Partners depression effecting out relationship.

This will be my first post on this forum, and even if no one responds i feel it will be helpful to get some of my thoughts out here;

I am 34 years old, and have been with my partner for nearly 9 years this fall. She is 28. Before Rachel i and met i had been dealing with my own bouts of depression, she came into my life as a bit of a light at the end of the tunnel. I was decreasing my anti depressant, and feeling as if i had a better grip on my emotions and the tools to handle them. I was seeing a counselor regularly and felt a good understanding of where i wanted to go. With help from Rachel as an excellent partner i really left my depression in the dust. I rarely feel the deep hopelessness i had in the past.

Today i felt that hopelessness creep in. It was during a somewhat heated conversation that my partner revealed to me about a time i had been stern with her about leftovers being thrown away. I can barely remember the time she is talking about, but i do have a pet peeve of being wasteful. She continued to tell me that her negative self talk regarding this interaction, and many interactions like it paralyze her into not being able to make decisions about many things in her life.

This would not be the first time Rachel has revealed to me that something i said a very long time ago has been bothering her since, and normally i listen and try to validate her, and even apologize, sometimes not even remembering the situation but trying to move forward from these times i have been stern. For some reason this this morning when she told me this i was overcome with hopelessness, like over the last 9 years as a presumptuous 20 year old im going to be punished by having to relive things i said. Many before i had any idea about effective communication, or any relationship counseling.

Rachels history is that she has been treating herself for depression since middle school age either through alcohol, marijuana, or about 5 years ago started taking sertraline. About a year ago during relationship counseling our therapist asked her about why she was on sertraline so long. He informed us that she shouldnt be on it. Right around the same time Rachel gave up alcohol. Fast forward to now and Rachel is still alcohol free, been seeing her counselor regularly learning CBT and through some slow reductions she is off of sertraline.

Now im noticing her struggling much with her depression. Rachel sometimes spends hours rocking her self on the couch, a self soothing technique she has used since child hood. She uses a very harsh tone with me, during many of these times, or has the crack in her voice like she may cry any second. She says things about herself, about how bad she is, or she shouldnt be around any people. I know this isnt true, she is a great person. I dont know why she talks to herself in such a negative way.

I want to know how to support her in these times, and beyond? Is there a better medicine? Should she be sticking with CBT? is there something better?

Its gotten to the point where i know if let that hopeless feeling in, it can swallow me up. It did today, hearing how hurt she was by her interpretation of what happened really filled me with dread. I know im not an angel, but i have also come a long ways in how to effectively communicate. I often have to remind Rachel to please be mindful of her tone, and today i may have over reacted but she began to pull out hairs in front of me. So i left the house, and asked her to please find a safe space to calm down. I could not watch her do that to herself. I fear a little for my own mental health while trying to be there for my partner.

Im willing to honestly answer any questions about myself, my partner, or our relationship to the best of my ability if anyone thinks they can help.

Thank you for taking the time to read this time.

I feel for you, I've been on both sides of that situation. Think back to your depressive times and see if you remember giving yourself similar negative self talk. I know my ex H was not able to understand my depressive times at all, it made him angry and frustrated...really not the best way to make me feel any better. More recently, I had a boyfriend who had lots of mental issues, inadequately treated in my opinion, however, it took a toll on me and caused my own issues to rear up despite adequate treatment.
It would be my suggestion that she needs to go back on some kind of antidepressant because her behaviors certainly indicate she is in a depressive state...and what ever methods of coping with your own issues would be a good idea to use as well for yourself.

I don't think she is bringing up the past incidents to make you feel bad, I think she feels bad and the memories that are coming up are the negative ones...I know I would end up not thinking about good times when I was depressed, the negative things were always up front. It's part of the package. I do realize that in the literature, men sometimes experience depression in a different way than women. Not always obviously, but sometimes.
Take care of yourself and encourage her to see her dr and be very honest with how she is feeling/thinking...esp with the self harm. that is a really difficult thing for a partner to witness I think you did right in leaving at that particular time.
I wish you the best

Well, I don't want to be slapped over the wrists for saying this because I'm not into sexism of feminism what so ever.

But in my general observation in teaching - female students really do tend to hold onto things for a lot longer and remember significant events and what was said; long after the event in the classroom has happened.

Boys, on the other hand, after a really tough lesson the day before where one of them has told me to Eff Off (school's got extreme behaviours) they'll say "Good morning Miss" with a huge smile on their face; almost forgetting nothing about what had transpired before.

As much as I am reading about the issues with your gf, my first thought that came to mind is - what support are you getting in terms of looking after yourself when she goes through bouts of depression?

Okay given that before you made this post there was a heated discussion over an event that happened a long time ago. This whole thing over a time when leftovers were thrown away sparked a major event and eventually landed up with you leaving the house. I think your issues are a lot more complicated than just her depression.

I absolutely agree that there are more issues at play.

Im going to think about it more before i reply with a comment, but i wanted to thank you both for sharing.

Wait, what? Since when is there some kind of time limit on sertraline? And why is a therapist giving medical advice? That seems kind of unethical, honestly.

From my therapy experiences, it seems common for counselors to have no understanding of the biological aspects of mood disorders. Like, the fact that depression is an actual medical problem is an idea that has never even been suggested to them. Somehow their training just doesn't include that. I'm not sure if they think SSRIs are euphoriants or what.

Therapy including CBT is still useful (potentially) because depression can really mess with you and give you weird ideas (cognitive distortions), especially if you're consistently depressed for a long time. Even if you fix the biological problem, that doesn't fix the weird ideas, but therapy can. You just have to keep in mind that your therapist probably has this huuuuge blind spot in their understanding of the situation.

There may be medicine that is better for her. There's no medicine across-the-board better than sertraline for everyone, so there's not much way for anyone to tell you which med she should try. (There's supposed to be some newfangled genetic testing available to help with that though.)

If the only problem with the sertraline is the fact that some ignorant therapist opined she shouldn't be taking it, then she could go back to that.