Is it abnormal if my 10 year old son wants to sleep in the same bed as me?

Is it abnormal if my 10 year old son wants to sleep in the same bed as me?

Yes, he needs his own room and bed.

Well, he could have slept on the twin bed in his room, but he wanted to sleep in my bed.

my son is 9 and its my own fault that from a young age, he either slept me with me or we slept in the same room.

now i tell him you need to sleep in your own room, the only time i do come to sleep in his room is when the hubby starts snoring like a freight train..LOL

Is he just visiting? He maybe misses you so he wants you close at night. Last time you posted dad had custody and you weren't allowed visits. Did you get visitations back? Congrats! If he moved in permanently I'd recommend he has his own bed.

this should be strongly discouraged. Insist he doesn't and don't back down.

If this is a one time thing or only happens occasionally, I wouldn't worry about it.

Normally the only time my boys would sleep with me is if they weren't feeling well...otherwise they slept in their own rooms. I don't think it is a big deal if its just a comfort thing every once in a while, or just some snuggle time before he goes to his own bed, but I wouldn't do a co sleeping thing with him on a regular basis.

Is he recovering from a trauma or suffering from an affliction? Has he slept with you in your bed earlier in his childhood, and wants to return? Do you already share your bed with a spouse or boyfriend? How do you feel about it? Questions...

There's nothing wrong at all with it and please don't let anyone tell you there is. Last time I lived there, my 15 year cousin still slept in the room with his parents on weekends, just because he likes to spend time with them and not have to worry about getting up and going to his own bed. Poorer families share rooms/beds all the time and no harm has ever come from it...

Unless of course you need privacy for any reason, then he should respect that.

May I ask why?

...I guess I see this differently than most because I support attachment parenting...possibly because of neglect in MY childhood, maybe...I don't feel that children should be forced to separate from their parents when they aren't ready.

Abnormal is the opposite of normal.


So if he doesn't or didn't normally sleep in your bed, then yes it is abnormal that he wants to do so now.

If this is something he usually does, then its normal.


Not recommended by the vast majority it seems (not sure why) but normal for him nonetheless.


If its abnormal there's probably a good reason for that, and I'm guessing divine's reply is closest to the truth.

I agree with lefty, lots of questions raised.

I can say that I went through a period in my early teens of going into my mother's bed for a snuggle early in the morning - I was going through some bad stuff at school that I told no one about. Looking back I was looking for comfort and reassurance.

Not to say that is the case with him but it's one of the many possibilities.

I actually disagree with "attachment parenting", as it lessens the child's ability to learn independent behaviors and gain the self confidence to do things on their own. I, myself, am a product of a child who was raised with "attachment parenting". I was pretty much completely dependent on my mother for the most basic of activities, such as writing reports and doing my own hair, until I was nearly in high school. Not only this, but up until I was nearly 9-10, I would ask if I could sleep in my parents' bed if it was stormy out at night. This resulted in me not being nearly as skilled or independent as I should have been later on in life.

I grew to be ashamed of my behaviors, especially around my peers, and this later manifested into isolation, self confidence issues, AND depression. Now, part of that was because I'm pretty much convinced I had MI from a very early age, but a huge part of it was my mother thinking she was helping me by literally not instilling a sense of independence and the ability to do things for myself from said early age.

Now, I'm not saying to be cold and indifferent to your son, but rather, find a way to teach him that he's a big boy now and can do things for himself, like sleeping in his own bed, in his own room. He probably needs a mother who can instill confidence through teaching him skills and abilities, rather than doing whatever for him.

To me, there's a difference between doing things for a child that he/she is physically capable of and not rejecting emotional needs...I don't exactly see cuddling before bed, I mean if she can hug/cuddle with her child before bed then there isn't much of a difference to falling asleep...I guess to me giving comfort when needed isn't equivalent to doing things for him, like your mother did with you.

Some people also are less emotionally mature than others...so she can say he's a big boy but he still might not be at the same stage as most 10 year olds.

I guess this is a sensitive topic for me because I always had my emotional needs rejected as a child, I guess the opposite of what you describe. There's both extremes.

Well...I raised four and I think he's too old for it.

I get that it's a sensitive topic for you Anna, but you need to be more objective when you parent....some issues from your childhood inevitably will reflect on how you parent, they do for all of us....I get that. But you do have to separate what YOU need from what they need.

I believe that we need to raise children to be independent. Because we won't be here forever.

Then I think perhaps you are overcompensating for your own issue. A 10-year-old boy shouldn't be sleeping with his mother.

Independent I agreed with. Teaching a child to clean their own room, do their own homework, set their own schedule, etc. But since we won't be here forever, it's important to spend as much time with our kids as possible, so long as they let us.

MOST teenagers will rebel and push away. I think that's how you know it's time to let go. Kids grow up way too fast anyway.

FYI, not to change the subject but I just lost my baby 2 weeks ago so perhaps that is affecting the way I am responding, so I apologize

May I ask if you would feel differently if he were a girl?

I ask because any children I have in the future will be raised gender neutral, so to some that doesn't apply.

(((((Anna72914)))))

I am so sorry for your loss.

Everyone can have opinions here. I am simply speaking from experience.
I am sorry for your struggles, Anna.

I read a book a long time ago and wish I could remember the name. It talked about how parents stop showing affection and effectively dealing with the emotional needs of boys around age 9.

I agree with Trippin's post and also with Anna's. The childhood development classes I took in college as well as my experience raising 2 boys confirms my belief system.

Unless something strange is happening, there is nothing wrong with it. Society often turns innocent needs into something weird and seedy.

I disagree. At ten a child should be showing signs of independence and self reliance. This is a common age for parents to start leaving a child alone for short periods of time. So too I believe a child should be introduced to tasks around the house and take on responsibility for their own needs. For example, a child could be learning how to do their own laundry and helping out with meal preparation. So too I think a child at this age should be developing their own skills at emotional regulation and emotional problem solving. Sleeping with mom doesn't fit in with this. In fact my view is that it delays emotional and experiential development.

Ask yourself if his peers would find this appropriate and how they would react should this behavior be known.

I think you are best to encourage skill development and independence. I think a ten year old should have a large degree of resilience.

It can be very hard for us moms to cut the apron strings. Yet, I took a great deal of pride in the growth my own children experienced as a result.

Another issue that must be raised is our ability to say 'No'. This is so very important in child rearing.

If it's something that he wants to turn into a habit them I'd discourage it.

But if it's a once in a blue moon kind of thing then why not? Chances are you would share a bed on vacation in a hotel, or share a tent if you went camping. If it's like a parent-kid sleepover then it's bonding.

Please don't teach your kid to be overly concerned by or change their opinion of themselves based upon the opinions of their peers.

Each child is different and should be treated according to his/her needs. Not some blanket statement age chart of averages.