I am who I am and he hates me for it

I wish you good luck with everything

Try to be more gentle with yourself....

(easy for me to say and I don't follow my own advice...so your post is helping me, too...)

Anyone that ever puts an entire situation of a relationship on the other person is either severely self-centered and possibly narcissistic or in very clear denial of their own responsibility in the bad situation.

Frankly most times when someone is blaming everything on the other person it is a way to deflect any responsibility. It matters very little if they do it consciously or unconsciously. Never accept that everything wrong in your relationships is your fault. This is true for the most part, in every relationship, even when in the extreme, one may be more responsible, no one is ever entirely at fault and one innocent.

Besides just the standard general statement in every relationship, in your post you make clear points showing his contribution to the situation. he is arrogant, fault finding and very self centered. He is also clearly manipulative, because he says what suits him at the time. At one point you stated he mentioned how he was with his ex wife and how he realized he was an ***** hole. Well, it seems to me he wants to pretend he's all "good" now that he knows he's an ahole but he clearly exhibits some of what I would guess his wife dealt with.

later he states that he's been loving to you all the time, yet in the same post you mention how you "made him this way" which implies something less than a loving husband. So... what is it, does he think he is doing all right by you or does he know he fails you in some ways too? I mean no wonder you're confused, he's changing the rules every other time you talk.

Also I see a situation where you probably feel you can't win. Here's an example. For your depression you tried to take Prozac for awhile. had an emotional affair which he, wrongly blamed the drug for since I know of no meds that can cause anyone to have an emotional affair or any kind of affair for that matter. So clearly he has a problem with you taking meds or at least that one to get help. You try counseling, and didn't stay long enough to know if it would help (or so it seems) he uses that against you to show you how he feels you can't be helped or something by pointing out how it "didn't work" He uses this also as an excuse for not wanting to get counseling together. how can you win? Even trying to do for yourself the things that might help, he seems to frown on.

He refuses to get help IMHO, because it means he'd have to face what failures he has had too and that would mean admitting he's not innocent in the whole situation.

I'm sorry but you are not going to be able to fix this yourself. Because frankly it's not you entirely causing the problems in the marriage. he has to come to a place where reconciliation is possible and that means being honest with himself first, which he is not.

I dont' have suggestions here only the analysis that you are truly dealing with a man that refuses to let any part of this be his responsibility and therefore I don't think anything will change at the moment.

I agree with what you have said. Sorry it took so long to reply, my grandfather has been in the hospital and I've been running.

He does have an extremely difficult time taking any responsibility. He feels that since he has given me the answers, that have worked for him and that made him not an ahole any longer, this should work for me.

I am in the process of finding another therapist. I need to work at finding my voice and being assertive vs. passive or aggressive. I think he does view himself as a failure but if he would learn a little more about mental health and how trauma effects the brain at such a young age, he would see that it's not so cut and dry.

Thank you for your analysis, it's a pretty accurate one