[Erecura]

I know this might sound like a stupid issue, but I really am too nice to people. Even when someone offends me, makes fun of me or simply abuses me, I still treat them nicely and remain polite no matter what. I am not able to ever stand my own ground, I am not able to say "no" and I let people come too close to me even when I am uncomfortable with it.
I am unable to set the boundaries and stand up for myself, no wonder that I feel like people don't really value me or take me as their equal because I voluntarily lower my position.

I can't count how many times this caused me issues, mostly in a romantic way and I end up in a relationship with people I don't even like just because I am too scared to tell them the truth and hurt their feelings. Like the last time I was trapped in a relationship for over a year simply because I wasn't able to tell the guy that I don't really like him.

For me it's almost unimaginable that someone actually wouldn't like me. I don't know why but I am obsessed with fitting in and finding people who'd like me the way I am, but I usually end up as an outsider anyway.

How can I stop this nonsense? What might be causing this?

[Bill3]

I know this might sound like a stupid issue

It sounds like an important issue to me.

Here are some questions about your childhood that might be relevant:

How did adult caregivers relate to you when you were a child?

How often were they kind, attentive, and supportive--versus--how often were they absent, negligent, unkind, uninterested, or abusive?

What typically happened when you asked them for something?

What happened if you disagreed with them and said so?

How much could they be relied upon when you needed them?

To what extent (if at all) did they use alcohol to excess or use recreational drugs?

[Skeezyks]

Hello Erecura: I wish I knew the answer to this. I don't. Neither do I know what causes it... something in one's upbringing or one's genetics I suppose. I do think part of this comes down to not feeling comfortable within yourself... feeling like you're not worthy. You feel as though there is an emptiness inside. And so you try to fill it by constantly seeking the approval of others... often at your own expense.

I'm an older person now & I live a pretty-much entirely solitary lifestyle. But when I was young, fitting in was very important to me as well. I would have to say though, in my case, it didn't last. As I grew into adulthood I became, if anything, argumentative.

Anyway, I don't know how one goes about learning to be more assertive. There used to be assertiveness training programs one could take. Perhaps there still are... I don't know. Unfortunately, knowing how to be assertive, & feeling comfortable with it, can be two different things. So it is perfectly possible to know all of the assertiveness skills but to be dying inside when one attempts to practice them.

The positive thing here is that you know you have this problem. So being aware of your tendency is a step in the right direction. Perhaps one important thing to do is to simply try to be aware of situations you are approaching where needing to be more assertive than you feel comfortable with / setting boundaries may be necessary. Perhaps fostering this type of awareness will make it possible for you to navigate around at least some of these types of situations. And then, beyond that, perhaps working with a therapist regarding these issues will help you to become more comfortable asserting yourself.

At the end of the day, as the saying goes, I think what is most important is that a person learn to accept her or himself just as s/he is & not try to become something one is not. There is a danger in imagining what one would like to be like, & then constantly measuring one's actual day-to-day performance against that ideal. One seldom, if ever, measures up. So there is a tendency to repeatedly beat oneself up for not being as good as one believes one should be. And simply becoming more comfortable with yourself, just as you are, may go a long way towards filling in that internal emptiness & helping you to stop seeking the approval of others at your own expense.

You can stand up for yourself while still being nice. You can set up boundaries while still not closing yourself off.

I used to be as you are now. I doubt what helped me will help you but I will tell you in case it does. My biggest problem was I used to think I liked everyone. I tried hard to see things from the perspective of not just myself, but others also. This made me understand them a bit and ultimately like them. One day I woke up and realized I really DON'T like everyone and some traits people have are unacceptable to me. I began thinking about which traits I find unacceptable and recognizing when someone had them. I gave myself permission and acceptance when I didn't like someone. By allowing myself not to like others, I allowed them not to like me. I'm sure I have traits which others find unacceptable. Not all people dislike me but some obviously do and will and that's okay. Oftentimes the feeling is mutual.

I haven't let this change how to treat people however. The traits people have which I don't like are usually something caused by their upbringing so not entirely their fault. I only get strict with someone and behave less understanding if a person is intentionally being cruel to me or others. That I will not tollerate.

I hope you find what helps you. It gets messy always being a doormat. I hope you can dust yourself off and be more comfortable. Once you are more comfortable with yourself, others will be more comfortable with you. (((Hugs)))

Is it just with people or do you suppress anger and annoyance in general? I know some people who have difficulty expressing negative emotions or being assertive. There was a Simpsons episode where Flanders had this problem (sorry it just reminded me)...and in that case it stemmed from not being allowed to express negative emotions as a child. That's just one possibility though.

I can see this being a problem for you and I wish I had better answers. Good luck.

[Erecura]

Originally Posted by Anna72914

Is it just with people or do you suppress anger and annoyance in general? I know some people who have difficulty expressing negative emotions or being assertive. There was a Simpsons episode where Flanders had this problem (sorry it just reminded me)...and in that case it stemmed from not being allowed to express negative emotions as a child. That's just one possibility though.

I can see this being a problem for you and I wish I had better answers. Good luck.

I am generally incleaned to experience the negative emotion more than positive (not in a sad or a bad way it's simply I am nature, gens call it whatever) so I am definitely not the fluff of rainbows and sunshine. I don't actually express positive emotion that much either, like I don't say people that I like them, I never compliment anyone etc... I just remain generally very conflict avoidant, very polite in this a bit of distinct manner when I wear half smile and a sympathetic face whenever I talk to anyone.

I can express annoyence, but I am very...passive agressive. I express it via art though, like writing helps me a lot with this.

But I feel like it's more of a self confidence issue, I always seek the approval of other people, even when I don't like them.

[Onward2wards]

Thanks for bringing this up. I have the same problem, and it takes me some thought to be properly aware of it. People have been telling me for years that I need to work on being assertive. For me, it leads to the urge to be passive-aggressive, but I am often able to dismiss that (not always).

I'm never sure if it's blanket approval seeking, a fear of being judged negatively, or fear of accidentally becoming a jerk if I DO try to act assertively. Erecura, I am surprised to hear you never compliment anyone - I tend to be effusive with my praise of others, and attempt to understand their behavior, but rarely if ever do that for myself.