We tear each other apart in mornings and on weekends

I have borderline pd and have come a long way through some dbt and a lot of mindfulness practice and education. I still struggle with rages. I am highly vulnerable to hurt feelings for the first couple of hours after I wake up. I find it difficult to maintain emotional regulation for more than 10 minutes. My husband is unwilling to hold onto his thoughts/criticisms until later time in the day as he feels it is important to express your emotions as they arise. I agree with him AND I am unable to provide him with my authentic self/wisemnd/balance due to my bpd. I have made tremendous strides in learning to control my behaviours. I am frustrated that he is being so unwilling to make a compromise that would save us a lot of pain, trauma, and suffering. It's up to me to behave. I would love any thoughts or insight to this situation. Creative alternatives are also welcome. Thank you, I'm not a bad person.

Hello Imnotbad: I'm sorry you & your husband are at this impasse. I don't know as I have any useful suggestions for you either. This is the type of thing couples sometimes seek couples counseling for. Perhaps other members here on PC will have some more practical suggestions to offer.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

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Have you two tried couples counseling? I don't have much advice either, but I will say that it seems unreasonable that he can't let you be when he knows that, due to your disorder, that particular time of day is difficult for you. I don't know, it kind of seems like the equivalent of demanding sex when you're on your period.

seesaw

As much as I hear you say that this is all due to your BPD, remember, your husband needs boundaries too and it's quite acceptable for him to put them in place when your behaviour isn't appropriate.

I'm not sure that I quite understand the compromise from your post, but I've kind of interpreted the problem based on what seesaw has written.

Your husband is the one who's prone to have his feelings hurt during the first few hours of the day since he's the one that wakes up with you, but he doesn't have to put up with your rage.

You need to take the lead here. Being aware of the times when you're liable to fly into a rage is a good thing. Walk away when you feel it! No, you don't have to act out the moment you feel something like your husband suggests. So if you set the path, and he notices that you're not going off the handle as much, it may dawn on him that this is perhaps a good strategy.

Then I'd recommend waiting until dinner if there really is something worth mentioning that he did to hurt your feelings / something ticked you off. Because you've had hours pass and time to calm down and you're less likely to come out as hostile and more likely to have an open and honest conversation with him. And hopefully he'll join the party and start compromising with you.

Just a thought.