[Heather Unbalanced]

So, if you look at my post history you can see that I just recently had an issue with my boyfriends family still being involved with his ex (not him. his family). And that had been resolved for the most part. But now I am having trouble controlling my jealousy with my boyfriend. I am also going to be posting this in "Coping with emotions."

We have been together for 2 years.

Okay my boyfriend is am amazing man. He is 29 (30 in December) and I am 26 (27 in January). He is very against cheating because f numerous reasons and logically, I understand that he would never do that to me. But what about when it comes to emotional cheating? What if he doesn't even realize he's doing it? Is that possible?


Alright, so he is good friends with this woman. I'll call her B. I noticed that he talks to her through text quite often. So one day, in my panic, I checked his phone (I know, I know). What I saw was her being very flirty with him and my guy was ignoring it and continuing on the conversation. Their friendship isn't casual. It's apparently a good one and shes "an awesome person."


Well, the other day, boyfriend and I had a great day. We ended the night with me laying with him and he showed me his instagram feed of a bunch of baristas making latte art. He is a barista and is passionate about so I wanted to learn a little. It was around 9:30 at night. While we were doing this, B texted him. The banner at the top said," So I'm at 'our' store. . ." and for a while I tried to ignore it.


Eventually, I couldn't and he knew something was up. So I explained that it greatly bothered me that we were having bonding time and she texted "our store." Basically, he told me that the coffee shop he used to work in, she used to work in also. She quit before he started working there but she would go and visit a lot and thats how they met. I dropped it.


Because theyre such good friends, I decided to find her on instagram and introduce myself. I said, "Hey Im ***'s girlfriend. I know youre good friends so I wanted to reach out and say hello, lol."
Well, that was yesterday morning and I still havnt heard anything back from her. She can talk to my boyfriend all day but cant respond to me?
Is this something I should forget about? Bring it up if the situation calls for it? Tell him now that it seems like a red flair? Why can she talk to him and not me?

Please, someone help me here. I'm dying in my jealousy and I have no idea if my concerns are just paranoia or something more. I really need help.


P.S. A few months ago, I took a crush I had too far and developed a relationship with the person through texting. I ended that before anything really bad happened. Is it possible i'm transferring what I did onto my boyfriend? Or does it actually sound like there are some red flags here?

[Trippin2.0]

I don't see any red flags being waved by your bf.


B seems sketchy until (and how) she responds to you (IMO)...


And you're either projecting, super insecure, or have shytti self esteem.


Please don't let your own crap ruin a good thing. I've done it and was blessed enough to be granted a second chance.


Not everyone is that lucky.


Just my 00.02

[MickeyCheeky]

Maybe you can talk about this with him? I'm not sure At the moment, it doesn't look like there's anything serious going on... but if it bothers you that much, I think it's important you let him know.

[Heather Unbalanced]

Thank you! I dont exactly see any flags being waved by him either. It's her im worried about. I just dont understand how she can talk to him all day but not respond to me. Maybe I came off as a jealous girlfriend and thats why she hasnt responded but I dont think I came off that way.


"And you're either projecting, super insecure, or have shytti self esteem."
I think its all of those things.


"Please don't let your own crap ruin a good thing. I've done it and was blessed enough to be granted a second chance."

Ive ruined relationships with this before also. And I dont want to ruin another one; the best one. Thank you for your response. You're right.

[Heather Unbalanced]

I cant unfortunately. Ive already driven that ship home with him. It always seems to end up with me yelling at him and accusing him. Although the other night when I asked him what "our store" meant, I kept calm. Maybe Im on the right track. I just have to stay calm.

[mrvalancey]

I don’t like to say this, but if you don’t get a handle over your jealousy, you highly risk losing this relationship.

Firstly, you should really take the time to get to the root of your jealousy rather than just telling yourself not to be jealous. You very well may be right when you stated that your previous [wrongful] actions play a role in this. Did something happen in previous relationships that caused you to feel jealous? Are you jealous because he has something going on that you aren’t a part of? Would you feel this way if his actions were with a male friend over a female friend? Take some time to really mediate on this. Find the root and come to peace with things otherwise you will risk hurting your boyfriend, who is an innocent in all of this.

As to this girl not responding back, I’m not entirely surprised. If you really want to get to know this girl, you and your boyfriend should set up a time to meet with her, but I would do it in a setting where there is a group so that it’s not threatening to her or seems like you’re trying to single her out. When you do meet her, have the mindset that you would meeting your boyfriend’s male friends or family, then judge your thoughts after you see their interactions, but don’t read into anything too deeply.

One last thing. Do you have any hobbies or activities you do on your own? You mentioned your boyfriend does coffee art, and him and this girl have a connection through their profession. If you don’t, it’s really good to have something that is your deal. Doing something apart from your relationship is very healthy and could also help with your confidence, which could help with your jealousy. Just a thought.

I hope this helps!

The fact that she hasn't responded says loads to me, frankly...

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I don't see any red flags being waved by your bf.


B seems sketchy until (and how) she responds to you (IMO)...


And you're either projecting, super insecure, or have shytti self esteem.


Please don't let your own crap ruin a good thing. I've done it and was blessed enough to be granted a second chance.


Not everyone is that lucky.


Just my 00.02

agree with trippin here first. But I wanted to add a couple things here.

First, she was flirty with him and apparently he was ignoring her, and noticeably so since you made a point of saying this. This is a good sign on his end. Her being an "awesome person" doesn't necessarily mean anything. I can say that about my best friend that I have in SC and he's just another guy I've talked to for years.

The "our store" thing, would bother me also but there was a reasonable explanation. He probably never thought anything of it.

Now as for the lady friend, I am not so sure about and I dont' want to raise any unnecessary flags for you but she seems to be the only one flirting here. Many people, guys and gals, can deflect such thing easily and not act on them. To his credit there doesn't seem to be any instigation here on his part by way of flirting back.

I would say like Trippin says don't ruin a good thing. He may be on the up and up and you may just be feeling insecure, albeit understandably so.

I think many people would struggle if they were in the same situation as you are. This is not abnormal or rare. Jealousy is a common emotion but it can be destructive and you are smart enough to see the signs. I think it's brave and open-minded of you to work on your own issues and keep trying to be the best version of yourself that you can. You can't control other people but you can learn to control your reactions to them. I hope your boyfriend is understanding of your feelings at least. He doesn't have to agree but he should at least try to put himself in your shoes.

Based upon your own past experience with getting too close, it's understandable you would have some transference in this situation and it's a good sign that you recognize this and are working on controlling your own emotions and behaviors. I have a lot more I wish to say but I think I will leave it at that for now. Keep learning and growing. (((Hugs)))

[Heather Unbalanced]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I think many people would struggle if they were in the same situation as you are. This is not abnormal or rare. Jealousy is a common emotion but it can be destructive and you are smart enough to see the signs. I think it's brave and open-minded of you to work on your own issues and keep trying to be the best version of yourself that you can. You can't control other people but you can learn to control your reactions to them. I hope your boyfriend is understanding of your feelings at least. He doesn't have to agree but he should at least try to put himself in your shoes.

Based upon your own past experience with getting too close, it's understandable you would have some transference in this situation and it's a good sign that you recognize this and are working on controlling your own emotions and behaviors. I have a lot more I wish to say but I think I will leave it at that for now. Keep learning and growing. (((Hugs)))

Thank you for your kind words. I am still healing and doing exercises to boost my self esteem. Aside from that, things dont look good for him and me.

[Bill3]

I am evidently in the minority here but the "our store" thing does bother me. In my mind, to speak of "our store" implies that there is an "us" to be referred to. If it were me in that situation I would say "I was at Buzzy's again today".

Aside from that, things dont look good for him and me.

What makes you say that? Did something happen?

That she hasn't responded to you is completely understandable; she had been flirting with him, you communicated clearly and politely that you were with him, and she backed off. I wouldn't be expecting to hear back from her.

[Heather Unbalanced]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I am evidently in the minority here but the "our store" thing does bother me. In my mind, to speak of "our store" implies that there is an "us" to be referred to. If it were me in that situation I would say "I was at Buzzy's again today".

What makes you say that? Did something happen?

I have another post on here explaining what happened, but we just broke up.

[Heather Unbalanced]

I want to thank everyone for their kindness and understanding. Also, thank you, all, for helping me through a very rough time. Its not going to be an easy break up this time.

[Bill3]

I'm so sorry for your pain. Please keep posting and thereby allow us to continue to be helpful.

[Sad Mermaid]

I am of the belief that you did not process the guilt for taking that relationship (over text) too far. It is easier for you to accuse BF of something similar than to come to terms (entirely by yourself) with why you had that other relationship. I am not talking about forgiving self, but of analyzing the whys. Was something missing in this relationship that made you want to develop another? Are things not looking good now for that reason, or for another? Try to invest considerable time into analyzing that relationship which you cut short to take the lessons learned. Try to understand what was going on in your subconscious, because once things are transparent TO YOU, they are no longer frightening, or threatening.

Heather, consider this breakup to be more of a break...some time for you.

And yes, please keep posting. We can help during those times when you simply must text him or you're crying your eyes out.

I'm sure we've all been where you are. It will get better, and we can help get you through.

[Heather Unbalanced]

Originally Posted by Sad Mermaid

I am of the belief that you did not process the guilt for taking that relationship (over text) too far. It is easier for you to accuse BF of something similar than to come to terms (entirely by yourself) with why you had that other relationship. I am not talking about forgiving self, but of analyzing the whys. Was something missing in this relationship that made you want to develop another? Are things not looking good now for that reason, or for another? Try to invest considerable time into analyzing that relationship which you cut short to take the lessons learned. Try to understand what was going on in your subconscious, because once things are transparent TO YOU, they are no longer frightening, or threatening.

Things arent looking good because he broke up with me last night.
I forgot about it this morning for a little bit and thought we were still together. It was horrible when I realized.

No, I havnt forgiven myself for the pain I caused him with my old crush. I think I did all that because I was eager for something new

[Heather Unbalanced]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Heather, consider this breakup to be more of a break...some time for you.

And yes, please keep posting. We can help during those times when you simply must text him or you're crying your eyes out.

I'm sure we've all been where you are. It will get better, and we can help get you through.

details of what happened:

Im not sure if I wrote out exactly what happened. I have another thread on here called, "yep..back with more. Its been rough" where I detail more about the break up and how it came to happen.
But last night I told him I wasnt ready to throw in the towel because of 4 hard months as opposed to more than 20 great ones and a whole future.
He said to me that he was unhappy because it was always a struggle with me and argument when he wanted to do something or go somewhere and I didnt want to.

He told me that he cant deal with me being mad about him going out with his friends (the only time I got mad was when he was being distant the first time-with me and my coworker-and he went to the bar after work and didnt hear from him until 1 am. and when he took one of our designated wednesdays to go to a bday for someone he never even hung out with before). and that at this point he would never be able to hang out with any of his female friends because of how angry I would be. He said it was weird when I reached out to his "awesome" female friend.

I said to him...what I need to know is if we're done. Because I cant sit around until you figure it out.
He said, if you need an answer then for now I have to say yes. I just said okay and left.

Then on text about an hour later I said "Im sorry I couldnt make you happy"
He told me not to blame myself and he will always love me and never forgive himself for this but its what he feels is right for him at the moment.

He will come to pick up his stuff and drop mine off on Monday probably. Im just going to leave it outside my door for him.

I dont think this is just a break because he isnt the type to do those "games" and isnt the type to be friends with an ex.

I have a horrible headache and have bouts of crying fits, havnt eaten since wednesday (trying to have fries now). Most of the stuff I own, he bought me or gave me. Im 27 and I thought for sure this would be the last one...the one I spent my life with. I cant go through another break-up its killing me.

Straw man at it might be, he broke up with me because his friends are more important to him.

[Heather Unbalanced]

I started a new thread combining both of my thread into one to make it easier.
http://forums.psychcentral.com/relat...ml#post5366286
Please, if you want to comment, use this new thread *hugs