[Heather Unbalanced]

Ive posted a few times about recent issues with my boyfriend of two years and I am back again today to tell my story and hopefully...hopefully get some feedback. This will be a long one. He is 30 in December and I am 27 in January.

Right now, Im writing this out after I just got out of the shower-and ice cold one that I had to leave early for fear of fainting. I have just experienced my first panic attack in years.

I asked my boyfriend to come by at 10 tonight to talk. He said he should be able to and will let me know if he cant. Its 8:30 as I write this.

We are due to talk because, as the title says, we might be breaking up.

Flash Back: the past 4 months or so have been very rough on us. I made a friend at work who I developed a crush on and hid it from my partner while pursuing the friendship deeper with my coworker. When my partner found out, he was enraged. But he dealt with it as best he could until he has to break the silence. We spoke. We didnt just speak about that though, we also spoke about the other things he was unhappy with; the fact that I havnt returned to school. my bad sleeping habits, my smoking, not having a good job, etc. Thats was maybe 1.5 or 2 months ago. Since then, I have registered for another class, begun exploring options for my professional future, fixed my sleeping schedule, and have begun doing daily exercises to adress and heal my low self esteem which has caused jealousy in our relationship since the beginning.

Jealousy: the last time it reared its head was halloween. we had an amazing night and on the way home, I was drunk. So of course, my insecurities came out to play. I yelled and cried and cursed for all of 40 minutes about his new friend. his new "awesome" friend. She flirts with him a lot. He doesnt flirt back but I dont like the way she talks to him. Its possible im paranoid because of what I did to him with coworker.

The past week or so, he has become distant again (the first time was before the aforementioned conversation). He seems to be going through the motions of a happy boyfriend but there are times where his unhappiness shows itself. He used to cuddle with the blanket I crocheted him every night, he doesnt do that anymore. He thinks im always trying to argue, he seems to be looking for opportunities to get away from me, etc. Yesterday, I had enough. I broke down and my way of doing that was to be quiet and aloof the whole day (we we're together all day). He cuddled me last night. This morning he got mad about "complaining" about the noise he was making getting ready for work. I was mostly teasing him but I guess it didnt come out that way. When he dropped he off he wanted to kiss me but I said no and left the car. When I got inside, I texted him saying that I think its best if I give him space because he doesnt seem to be happy. He agreed. He said there are many things he loves about our relationship but twice as many that he doesnt like.

I told him that if that was the case, I think he simply doesnt want to be with me anymore and that thats okay. Later on, he asked if im okay and I asked him the same. He said the reality of the situation hasnt hit him yet. I said "the reality of the situation is that we're two people who love each other and want to make this work." I also asked is he came come by at 10 so we can sort this out. he said we do need to talk, that he needs time, and he doesnt know how he feels.

Its 845 now and I plan to ask him at 9 if he can make it at 10.

I wrote down in my phone memo all the things I want to say because I lose my train of thought easily. He knows that, reading from my phone wont be a big deal.

In what I have to say to him, I basically have: all the things listed that I corrected from the first time we talked about this (school, job, smoking, etc) and apparently thats still not good enough. I have planned to tell him that I think he might still love me but he doesnt enjoy my company in his life anymore. That I want to explore every avenue for healing before we end the relationship because 20+ months of happiness and a whole future is worth more than 4 months of hard times.

Its 10 minutes until 9 now. Im scared, im hopeful, im defeated, im tired, im sad, and im also a little bit okay.

Please give me some insight as a 3rd party who doesnt know us or give me some feedback, advice, anything.

Thank you.

[hvert]

I hope it went okay. It sounds like a not fun conversation to have.

[Trippin2.0]

Please check in and let us know how it went... Only saw your thread now.

[Heather Unbalanced]

I just got dumped.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm so sorry HU

Please stick around and keep posting so we can support you through this

[Bill3]

I'm sorry.

[Heather Unbalanced]

It was my jealousy again. This is about the 3rd or 4th time Ive lost a relationship due to it. For the whole first year he was trying, I would not go on a date with him for this reason. I knew it would happen again. I finally said yes, fell in love, and now im in this mess.

He told me he will always love me (I hate that), and that he will never forgive himself but this is what feels right to him right now.

I cant even say I blame him.

[Bill3]

(((((Heather Unbalanced)))))

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Heather Unbalanced

It was my jealousy again. This is about the 3rd or 4th time Ive lost a relationship due to it. For the whole first year he was trying, I would not go on a date with him for this reason. I knew it would happen again. I finally said yes, fell in love, and now im in this mess.

He told me he will always love me (I hate that), and that he will never forgive himself but this is what feels right to him right now.

I cant even say I blame him.

i'm sorry that your relationship has come to an end.

Do you know what has made you paranoid and jealous, to start? Perhaps if you worked on that aspect of yourself, you'd win him back in the process? It is very hard. Gentle hugs to you!

[Heather Unbalanced]

Originally Posted by shezbut

i'm sorry that your relationship has come to an end.

Do you know what has made you paranoid and jealous, to start? Perhaps if you worked on that aspect of yourself, you'd win him back in the process? It is very hard. Gentle hugs to you!

Thank you =/

I so dearly did not want this relationship to end. 2 years a wonderful future lost because he couldnt handle my jealousy for the passed 4 months. Like I said, though, I was very hard on him and cant really blame him.

My jealousy stems from my first real relationship where he cheated on me physically and emotionally. That was when I was 19. I also have some traits of Borderline Personality.

Im at a loss here because so so deeply, I want my relationship to grow stronger from this and to stay with him, I know that my jealousy will never fade. Its not fair to him. Its also not fair to me to torture myself with it all the time.

I have been taking steps to raise my self esteem but Im not sure if I will ever feel secure in a relationship. Its my cross to bear. Im okay, and I understand why it happened but I'm still terribly heart broken.

I am the jealous type, too. I can't trace it to anything except low self-esteem.

I don't, however, think it's so much of a bad thing as most people do.

This isn't necessarily the final chapter in your relationship with this particular barista. No one has died or married someone else or done anything irreversible or unforgivable. You're self-aware; you can work on your weaknesses and learn from your mistakes.

If you are borderline, I think you need to address that first. Or it will never work.

[Heather Unbalanced]

I started a new thread combining both of my thread into one to make it easier.
http://forums.psychcentral.com/relat...ml#post5366286
Please, if you want to comment, use this new thread *hugs