[brooke34]

Ok, so there's A LOT to this and I'm going to attempt to shorten it the best way that I can and hope that it still makes some sort of sense.

I've been married for 8 years. It's always been an awful marriage but I always felt that I both loved my husband too much to give up, and that I said vows that stated for better or worse so I couldn't give up. It's an abusive marriage in every sense of the word. He has also had numerous affairs throughout the marriage, (way too many to count the ones I know about so no way of knowing how many I don't know about.) He justifies his affairs by telling me that I'm the one he comes home to every night and that sex is just sex, not love.

Anyways, we moved into a new home and I was instantly attracted to our new landlord. I felt drawn to him in a way that I can't explain and had never experienced with anyone before. As wrong as it is, I immediately tried to establish a friendship between us so that I could get to know him better. Things escalated pretty quickly between us. The first week that I knew him, we were constantly talking to each other about just about everything. We both tried backing off because we both started to feel that maybe we were getting feelings for eachother, or "ings" as we call them because even though we were so open with one another, neither one of could actually bring ourselves to use the full term. We are both Aquarius so for the most part we are both considered to be emotionally detached, but we were very quickly getting emotionally attached to each other. The attempt at backing away from another lasted for 2 days and we gave in to our "ings." It was incredibly mind blowing for each of us. We began spending all of our free time together, staying out until 3 - 4 in the morning just talking, or going places, or just anything that involved us spending time together. It got to a point that we began using the 3 words that we were both most afraid of and started planning out a future together.

Keep in mind, I was still with my husband at this time. However, I had begun filling out divorce papers and getting them ready to file. He started to suspect the things that were going on between me and our landlord so the abuse began escalating to more than once a day everyday. Our landlord told me that if I wanted a future with him like we had started planning, than I needed to leave my husband right then and worry about the repercussions later and if I didn't than I would lose him instead. So I left that day.

I felt pure unexplainable bliss. This man was absolutely wonderful to me. He treated me with the upmost respect, love, and care. He was attentive, funny, great looking, smart, just everything that I never had in man. Even if he was upset with me, he wouldn't even raise his voice to me. The differences between him and my husband were unbelievable.

But than I began trying to analyze the connection too deeply with the whole saying, "too good to be true." Which as a result started to make feel a little insecure.

After I left my husband, he was trying to get me to come back to him. He was admitting his faults to me and admitting that he put me through more hell than any person should have to go through. He was laying the whole "things will be different" deal on pretty thick and started putting even more doubts in my mind about our landlord. Saying things like, do you think you're the first tenant he's had a relationship with? Do you think he really gives a **** about you, you're just another piece of *** that rented from him, when the new wears off he'll move on to the next tenant, etc...... All while trying to convince how much he regretted all his mistakes during our marriage and how his eyes had finally opened up to how much he loves me and how much he has hurt me and blah blah blah.

The doubts worked and I went back to my husband. Not only because I had begun having doubts and feared that they might turn out to be true, but because I was naive enough to believe my husband that things would be different and I felt that I owed it to my son to try things with his daddy again.

So of course some Jerry Springer type crap happened between my husband and landlord. But after all the drama settled down between them them, he and I began communicating again. No matter how hard I try, I can't get him out of my head and can't resist talking to him. He says it's the same with him when it comes to me and we feel that we're only making life more difficult by talking to each other but neither one of us can stop.

I need to stop talking to him. I don't know what to do. Any advice?

[Bill3]

How long ago did you return and how have things been with your husband since you returned?

[brooke34]

5 months ago. Better in some ways, but has reverted back to the same issues as before in most other ways after the first week, but he now has my affair to constantly throw in my face and make it sound like what I did was far worse than any affair he's ever had because he was just looking for sex, and I was out to give another person my heart so he still tries to justify his affairs.

[MickeyCheeky]

It's a complicated issue I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this stuff... love is hard

How are things with your husband right now? What did the landlord say when you decided to come back to your husband?

You have all my support.. I wish you the best of luck

[MickeyCheeky]

Originally Posted by brooke34

5 months ago. Better in some ways, but has reverted back to the same issues as before in most other ways after the first week, but he now has my affair to constantly throw in my face and make it sound like what I did was far worse than any affair he's ever had because he was just looking for sex, and I was out to give another person my heart so he still tries to justify his affairs.

I'm not sure you're doing the right thing by staying with him.. he looks just as abusive as he was before (and people like this rarely change in a short time).

I'm not sure if you should come back to the other guy though Did he do something that you found a little unsettling? Something that could make you doubt his love?
This is my opinion, but that whole "leave your husband or you'll lose me" sounded a little... idk. Out of place.

I'm sorry I can't help you more than this

[brooke34]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

It's a complicated issue I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this stuff... love is hard

How are things with your husband right now? What did the landlord say when you decided to come back to your husband?

You have all my support.. I wish you the best of luck

Thank you.......Truth be told, I don't want to be with my husband, I want to be with the landlord. That's where I felt happiness. But due to a lot of different factors surrounding my husband, it's impractical to think that I could have a relationship with our landlord again, unless I were to leave the state. Which I'm not willing to do.

But I hate wanting him so badly and knowing that he feels the same way, while also knowing that it's not an option for him and I. I need better coping skills.

[brooke34]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I'm not sure you're doing the right thing by staying with him.. he looks just as abusive as he was before (and people like this rarely change in a short time).

I'm not sure if you should come back to the other guy though Did he do something that you found a little unsettling? Something that could make you doubt his love?
This is my opinion, but that whole "leave your husband or you'll lose me" sounded a little... idk. Out of place.

I'm sorry I can't help you more than this

That statement sounded out of place to me at first with him as well. Which I told him that it was unsettling to me because it sounded like he was trying to control me like my husband, but then he explained to me why he said it that way and what he meant by it which eased my mind.

According to him, he could no longer stand to see me being physically hurt and figured it would be easier on himself to just back off away from me entirely if I chose to continue being abused.

[Bill3]

So he continues to physically and emotionally abuse you, plus he has the new ammunition of the landlord to use on you.

In what ways is he better now than before?

[brooke34]

Originally Posted by Bill3

So he continues to physically and emotionally abuse you, plus he has the new ammunition of the landlord to use on you.

In what ways is he better now than before?

Some of his improvements are that he helps me pay the bills now. (He rarely worked throughout our 8 years and wouldn't help out financially whenever he was working) He spends more time with our son now (He used to rarely spend any time with him and complain about "family time") He's maintaining a job. Abuse is mostly mental and emotional now. He's only gotten physical 4 times in the 5 months that we've been back together. He quit publicly humiliating me (he used to try to make me look bad and constantly put me down in front of other people.)

[Bill3]

It sounds like he has made quite a few changes. How often (if at all) does he go out for sex now?

[brooke34]

Originally Posted by Bill3

It sounds like he has made quite a few changes. How often (if at all) does he go out for sex now?

I'm not sure. I've only snooped into his phone twice since we've been back together. Both times finding personal ads on Craigslist that he's posted and posts that he's replied to. Didn't mention them to him though or ever snoop to see if he met with anyone. I have suspicions about certain things because of the timing of certain things and lies that I've caught him in but I don't really ask questions or care to find out more. I could care less at this point... I know that I'm still talking to the landlord which I shouldn't be doing so in a way, who am I to inquire about what he does?

Sounds as if you have a decision to make...

[brooke34]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Sounds as if you have a decision to make...

The decision is to count the landlord as awesome memories, as proof that there are better men in the world, a good time in my life and nothing more. My husband has already made me aware of what he would do if I were ever to enter a relationship with our landlord again. I'm playing with fire. It's a dangerous game. My main thing is trying to figure out how to make myself quit talking to the landlord. I think if I can break all communication with him, then I can eventually get over my feelings and it's safer for everyone that I do that. I'm just struggling with the "how"

[Trippin2.0]

So you're staying with your husband because you're scared shytless of what he'll do if you leave him for landlord...
What does this teach your son about relationships?

[Bill3]

Have you considered speaking to someone at a women's resource center, and/or an attorney, about ways to both be safe and have the relationship that you want to have?

[brooke34]

It's not really just him that I have to worry about. He's smart and never gets his own hands dirty when retaliating against others. He charms people into doing things for him. He could be in jail and still get to me in this town. I've seen him do it to others. For some reason people always feel some sort of loyalty to him and will go to jail themselves before implicating him in any way.