Unable to heal

Hi all,

I'm really struggling here. I need to give you the details in order to explain what's going on,...

I've been with my fiance for 8yrs. We were 18 when we got together.
At first, it was rough with my parents; they thought he was holding me back and the reason for my leaving flight school. They thought he was causing me to become depressed. None of these assumptions were true. I was just 18 and learning what I wanted out of life, trying to "figure life out" after high school.
-7 months into our relationship, he moved in with me at my parents house. Partially because his living situation was really poor at his grandmothers, partially because we were more than ready for that in our relationship.
It was there that my parents got to know him/love him. He got really close with my mom and my dad approved of him (even though still always believed he was holding me back from my full potential).

We both got so close to my mom that we formed a very unhealthy habit of separately confiding in her whenever we squabbled. My mom enjoyed this level of discretion and used it to her advantage. She'd hear him out and hear me out but would filter out details as she saw fit to push us apart. She did this because she felt protective over me (I'm assuming). Eventually, both my parents and my brother increasingly pushed thoughts into my head that my boyfriend was no good for me. (Side note: I honestly think I created this out of them and it bloomed into a monster. We should never have confided in my mom whenever we were unhappy/fighting. It gave her a terrible idea of the kind of person he was, no matter how trivial the issues were).

I knew he felt trapped living there. He had a low sense of self being there knowing we were on their dime, in their house, under their rules. I know it aggravated him. He worked overnights at a pharmaceutical lab and whenever he tried to sleep (6am-4pm) he had to endure my mothers Portuguese screaming throughout the house at 2 loud toddlers and a barking Chihuahua. Our only space together was our tiny room.

We eventually moved out into our own place and this issue was alleviated for a while. We got engaged after 2 years together and things were pretty smooth (no serious issues, just normal ****).

My sister was diagnosed with cancer shortly after our 2 year anniversary.
She passed away in her room surrounded by family and friends and after our lease was up, we decided we'd move in to her room to "clear the air" and try to heal the family.

The issues we had living at my parents returned with vigor and it quickly boiled over soon after (several months after moving back in). Family skeletons came out. I argued with my mom over how often she would leave my little brother and sister watching TV all day and playing violent video games. I disagreed with my parents on how they treated the kids. She'd let them play Call of Duty (they were 4-5yrs old) and my dad would come home and lock himself in the office because he was too tired to deal with them after work (this caused strain with my mom and dad). My dad would favor my little sister, call her his princess but lock my brother out of the office and laugh when he cried wanting to come in to join them.
My *fiancé saw all of this too and resented their behavior.
This caused more strain with our relationship because his feelings of claustrophobia grew living there; he didn't like the way my parents patented, he didn't like how often my mom screamed in the house, he could barely sleep because of how loud the house was. It strained our relationship and we still used my mom as our so-called therapist to talk things out with her.

My mom began using these talks to sabotage us (I don't think she saw it this way, she just thought we'd be better off separated) so she and brother spent a lot of energy on me that if I left him, she'd pay for the bills I could no longer afford without him to allow me to attend college full time. They'd be there for me emotionally and help me get back on my feet.
Eventually, my insecurities and my frustrations made me crack. I believed what they were saying and I went through with it and we cried for hours together before he left.

*Days later* I reached out to him and asked him a few clarifying questions about the reasons why we broke up. We found out that several of the biggest reasons we both chose to break up were completely fabricated lies by my mother. Literally stories she'd created and said we said about the other.
We got back together and kept that from my parents.
I moved out weeks later and literally became the happiest we've ever been.

After they found out that I was still with my boyfriend, they began saying cruel things about me like I was a liar and just wanted to use them for money to help with school despite having his income as well. They thought I was deceitful and came to a lot of terrible conclusions about me. I lost my job and after being unsuccessful in finding work for 4 weeks, took a job on as a cocktail waitress at a strip club that made my dad utterly lose all respect for me. Said I was disgusting. Low. I fought with my mom because I confronted her about how I disagreed with how she treated my little brother and sister and she said I was disrespectful and a low life disgrace. This type of verbal assault didn't let up for months.
It came to a head after I took a job at a 5 star steakhouse (because I couldn't handle the judgment anymore and was finally able to get hired elsewhere) and the manager on shift attacked me.
My brother woke my parents up at 12am to alert them about what happened and that I was being transported to the hospital for a rape kit and they ignored him and went back to sleep.
My brother got his bed ready for me (because my parents were the closest house to the hospital) and my parents continued sleeping through the night. My boyfriend spent 7hrs with me at the hospital without sleep/rest and never left my side. The next morning, my dad accused me of lying. Said I cheated on my boyfriend and just didn't want to admit the truth. He told my boyfriend he should knock me up to prevent me from continuing "down on this road."

When I found out these said these things about me, we left the house immediately and I stopped talking to them. My mom was offended by my silence and both of my parents verbally harassed me and said the lowest things about me via text for weeks.
We were in a car accident twice within 2months apart and virtually homeless as we lived with different friends throughout 6-7 months and my mom relished in my misery hoping it would make me "apologize" to her for disrespecting her and being a selfish person (wtf?!?!).

This broke our family for over a year. The only steady person in my life was my fiance for this whole time. Eventually, my dad reached out to me and said that he regretted not being there for me that night. That it was a decision he'll have to live with for the rest of his life. He worked on helping repair my relationship with my mom by advocating for me and fighting her when she spoke bad about me. He told her my respect was earned, not given (unlike her traditional Portuguese upbringing of respecting your elders no matter what).

I got to a point that I finally met up with my parents and we "reconciled". There was never an outright apology from my mom, but in her own way she said she was sorry. Eventually, we started seeing them more frequently and I took up a job at my dads company. This proved to be a wonderful move. He and I had some hiccups as we talked through a lot of our differences but I grew close with him. In turn, this helped mend my relationship with my mom.

My mom still prefers leaving the kids to their computers and their TVs. They're 8 now and they're spoiled with riches I never experienced as a kid because we were in a different financial situation. They're spoiled and slowly turning into young adults that are disconnected from reality (they balk at kids who don't have hoverboards and relish in having more material things then their friends. They get angry when they don't have instant gratification and are ungrateful when given thoughtful, simple gifts that don't cost a lot of money).
My dad still avoids coming home often. He faces a lot of stress running his company and prefers relaxing and removing himself form stress after work (meaning his kids sometimes too). Years ago, my boyfriend walked in on my mom crying because she was so stressed because my dad would stay at work afterhrs to drink beer with the guys and not come home to help her.

tldr; It has been 8 years now since my fiancé and I have gotten together.
He has seen my parents at their absolute abusive worst and is unable to let that part of our history with them or their history go. He is unable to forgive the way they treat my little brother and sister and resents them greatly for their actions. Despite the fact that I try to get along with them and be in their lives so I can be part of my brother and sisters lives and because I have a strong sense of family, he is unable to see them in any other way but toxic. This prevents him from wanting to come over, spend time with them or communicate with them nearly at all. My parents have caught on.

My family is far from perfect. To outsiders, we're great. We're functional and a little crazy but in a healthy way. To those who've seen us up close (my best friends family, my fiancé and his family) they have a very dark, verbally abusive side that can be switched on at the slightest inkling they feel disrespected or insulted. One minute we're the best people to them but as soon as anyone argues with them or they perceive a threat, they turn on you. Not just my mom or my dad. The whole family turn on you and will attack you verbally, publicly.

My fiancé posted an anti-trump status on my moms wall last week and she went off the handle. She drove to my work to curse me out about him and said I could do better off without him. My dad read his post and jumped on the bandwagon and texted me horrendous things about my boyfriend. I told him he was being unreasonably cruel without good reason.

These types of events just solidifies my boyfriends resentment toward my family. I work so hard to make things work with them because I have a really strong (probably illogically so at this rate) sense of family. I want a happy working family... probably a result of how often I've been let down by them. And I work really hard to convince my fiancé that things are better now. We're all "getting along now" for the most part and should get along for the sake of family/the bigger picture. He doesn't think he needs to be a part of their lives at all.

I'm worried that his inability to "play nice" is going to poison our relationship.
Writing all of this makes me realize that I might be being unfair to him to force him to "move on" from their past. I'm so eager to have a healthy sense of family that I think I'm forcing something that isn't meant to be...I work with my dad, his business pays for my health insurance and my school as part of the benefits. I go to crossfit with my parents after work (the gym is right by work) and I babysit the kids fairly regularly... my life is now so integrated with them, that I'm worried what'll happen. I understand that my relationship with them might not be very deep when push comes to shove because if something horrible happens to me, I don't know in my heart if they'll be there for me since they weren't there before... but people can change, right?

I want to marry my fiancé and I'm so happy with him/we're so happy together, but I'm worried how our future will integrate with my family when he wants nothing to do with them. How will that work with kids? Am I even being fair asking him to want to be "okay" with them after everything they've done? Am I broken for not being as angry as he is still?
I've asked him to just get to a point where he can tolerate them/play nice. He said he can try but if they ask him "what's wrong" he refused to filter anything and I know as a fact that it won't go well at all.... what parent would want to hear from their daughters fiancé that he thinks they're abusive, terrible parents? etc.

I'm at a loss. I'm sorry for the long read but I honestly didn't think I could explain without telling you as much backstory as I could reasonably fit.

-Nuada.

Sorry to hear you're struggling. Hope you find some comfort here

Welcome to PC!

You have a lot to soft out and some tough decisions to make.

Listen to your heart.

I guess that your fiance is not living with you now. How is he doing in his own life? When did he last see your family and what happened then?

I am sorry for your struggles.

But I probably have a different take on this. I believe if a couple want to play house, they need to become self supporting and have their own place. I wouldn't allow my daughter to move her boyfriend into my house.

I think if people aren't ready to fully support themselves they shouldn't bring their date to live with them and their parents. They could date and have boyfriend over for dinner but not play house.

Overall couples living with their parents smells trouble. It rarely ends well. By living with your parents you telling them you are still a child yet you want to be treated as an adult. It rarely works out.

The other concern I have is 8 year-engagement. Are you not ready for marriage? 8 years is long time.
I am sorry you have difficult parents, I can relate. But by continue living with them and bringing your partners thee doesn't help the situation

I'm afraid I don't have anything good to say, but I wanted to let you know that I read your entire post and I'm sorry to hear you're in such a difficult situation.

Welcome to PC and I hope you enjoy your time here!

I might have confused readers with my long winded post,...
I have been with my fiance for 8 years.
We were together for 2 before we became engaged, were engaged for 2 years (while saving money on a wedding/going to school) and after we broke up (due to my parents), we were together for an additional 4yrs.
We only lived with my parents on 2 occasions:
When we were still young in our relationship because I hadn't moved out yet (I was only 18) and he came under hard times with his family.
We moved out soon after.
We came back only after my sister passed away because we thought if we were all together, it would help mend the family and clear the "bad juju" in the room since she passed away in bed.

We've been living separate from my family in a beautiful town home for 4 years. The tension falls on family visits when we stop by the house for dinner, holidays, etc. It also arises over FB when they disagree on posts and my parents take it very irrationally.

Oh! I did not know that.

So I think I understand better now, please let me know!:

--you get along very well with your fiance, for 4 years living together
--you work very well with your father

But:

--your fiance is unwilling to play nice with your parents on the limited occasions you are with them as a family
--there is conflict over facebook

What are your fiance's views on marriage and children?

How mature is he?

Okay, your family sounds very toxic for one, and I understand why your fiance does not want to play nice. But there need to be some boundaries. It's okay for him to not like your family, they have treated him very poorly. But he should at least be able to get through very occasional visits with them without letting them get to him. And tell him just to unfriend them on Facebook. In a way, this comes down to self control. He needs to just not communicate with them on Facebook, and learn how to be polite and unemotional during occasional visits.

That's just how I see it if he really does want to marry you.

seesaw

I am sorry you are going through all this. It's a shame your 'family' don't have as strong sense of kinship as you do.
It sounds very very toxic, what worries me is if you guys have kids. You say you don't like your mothers parenting skills, but who will want to get involved when you two have your own kids? Your mother. How will your partner feel with the sudden influx of family interference that comes when you have their grandchildren?
I can't imagine much good coming from that scenario.
It's sounds like your partner is constantly under stress that at any moment something will set it all off again, and you'll be back at the butt end of the abuse. Also you don't mention if he has any family support of his own, so I am going to guess not. Does he have a good group of friends he can go to for support?
They say we can choose our friends but not our family, you need to look at the long term and what is realistic over the long term.

@Bill3
The trump thing might have been immature, but turning up at her work screaming at her is hardly the picture of maturity either.

All the best for your future, and I hope that everything works out for you.