[UCLAFan]

I am dealing with loneliness.But as lonely as i feel.I'd rather be alone.Than hang out with people i don't like,don't trust or one's who annoy the hell out of me.But i also feel like a bit of a loser.Since i don't have many close friends or anyone to really hang out wth.Ok there are some folks that want to do stuff with me.But these folks are really annoying and are full of drama. Hung out with them in the past and do be honest as lonely as i feel.I don't feel lonely or desperate enough to want to hang out with them any more.In the past i'd hang out with just about anyone.Just to have someone to be with. But the more drama i have dealt with.The less i want to be around annoying people.Why do i attract losers?Why do the drama filled,selfish type cling to me? It's my birthday next week on the 21st and i'm going to a baseball game alone.Yes i'd rather go alone to a basebal game on my birthday. Than go to a game with people i really don't like.Plus i have gotten use to going to games alone.Because i can come and go as i please.In the past when i went to games with people or meet up with folks at games.I did not feel like i had as much freedoom to come and go as i please.Plus i was not able to enjoy the games as much.Anyone else feel like me?

[InACorner]

i am exactly like you. Id rather be alone...or with my bf only...but it does get lonely...id like to have people i can relate to....where i live its all spanish or all phillipino....and they stay within their own clicks...mainly due to language barriers...but they also feel comfortable with just being with others like them...i am a minority...for once in my life...i am a minority...and have no friends or others like me (or different for that matter) who want to hang out with me...i am even a minority in my own house...it was hard enough to make friends back home (actually i only had one...) but now its nearly impossible...id like to make friends with people at work...but they dont seem to even want to relate to me....or even try...so i do things by myself....back home i went to movies and resturants by myself...some people cant believe i actually eat by myself in social places...but i cannot relate to many others...mainly because when i was young i was isolated majorly....except for going to school...so i never learned social manners or concepts ....im gradually learning...but i still seem ackward in groups...i k now how you feel...i hope this doesnt seem like a hijjack...im just letting you know your in the same boat as me.....its nice to be alone...but it does get lonely and you wish to have someone to enjoy these things with now...its very hard for my bf to understand ....but he tries for me....lol but sometimes he wants to be alone too....i understand....i give many hugs ....((((UCLA))) sorry i dont have any advice...but your not alone.

[UCLAFan]

It's ok no advice needed.

[MyBestKids2]

I enjoy loneliness. No one to judge except me. Put me in a room with thousands of people, and I am still alone.

[meander]

(((UCLA))

I feel like that sometimes too. Cherish your alone time, it's not bad...

[debbie_tabor]

I've done all that too - gone on holiday alone etc. I don't have a problem eating in restaurants on my own, except for talking to the waiters! I think I isolated myself at high school, thinking myself unworthy of other people's companionship, but then didn't learn all the social skills.

Things improved but I still need time-out from people. I figure it's a balance between pushing yourself to be with people and feeling the discomfort to greater or lesser degrees, and being on your own - sometimes good, sometimes distressing. I can see it would just be annoying going out with selfish people.

I do recommend group therapy for learning how to be with people. A year ago a guy in my group couldn't handle an extended social situation. This year the same thing went really well and he joined in everything. Most of the things we go over in the group are just letting people know they are socially acceptable and OK to be with, and trying to work out how to worry less about each and every social interaction. In our heads it's all going horribly wrong, but from the outside there often isn't anything wrong. You can actually ask people how you come across.

As to finding people you click with, I don't know. I was isolated at work until I found someone else who was fairly new in a different department, and until the nasty people I was working with left, and the really friendly new ones arrived. Everyone else was already settled in their lives.

Common interests is the thing that always comes up! Evening classes, sports, local support groups?

[UCLAFan]

I thought i was the only one that wants to be alone.I mostly want to be alone.Because i'm tired of drama and like i said earlier.Tired of being around folks i really don't like.At this moment in my threapy. I don't want nothing to do with group treaphy at the moment.Some of my reasons for depression has to deal with being the person always having to deal with other peoples problems and having my issues and needs being ignored.That's why i have called folks i have hung out in the past Selfish.I'd be there for them and they would not be there for me.So i pretty much refuse to be in group Threapy at the moment.

[debbie_tabor]

I can only talk from my own experience there. I could copy your sentence about "Some of your reasons for depression... " and apply it to me.

But looking back, early on it was safer for me to keep my problems to myself. The thing I did learn to do was how to take care of other people. Therefore it has been particularly hard to get my needs met, easier with therapists, MUCH harder with friends.

Which affects how I interact in group therapy. The easy thing is to help other people out with their problems. My protective mechanisms kick in in the instants when I have to decide whether or not to talk. Sometimes I think I've said something deserving further attention, but it gets ignored even by the therapist. The conclusion I've come to is that I haven't learnt HOW to get the attention I need. My five word comments aren't significant enough to get picked up on. I also feel as if other people come first so if someone else starts talking I can't hang on to the attention for long enough.

The thing with any good group is that all of this comes out. Last week the 3 people who find it easier to talk, just stopped at one point realising that the 2 of us who find it harder hadn't contributed. The therapist regularly talks to us about why it's so difficult and encourage us to give it a go. Our contributions towards other peoples' problems are recognised, but our problems are too.

Of course the whole decision is up to you, but it might be worth a try. You are encouraged to talk about how you feel about the group interactions, so if you feel mad about how things are going you can say so, and talk about how the situation feels to the other people. Reality checks. There aren't many opportunites in life like that! Maybe later in the process...

Sometimes if I need to be with people but don't want to talk to anyone taking a book or my computer to a cafe really helps.

Dogs are also great company. I borrow (look after) someone else's - the human interactions are a bit painful, but spending a week with Elvis the chocolate lab is great!!!

[debbie_tabor]

I didn't really say I appreciate you prefer to be on your own at the moment - but I'm also trying to help with the loneliness you said you feel.

[UCLAFan]

Maybe later i will try the group thing.But i just started getting help around April.I need more help on and one on one counseling.Even my T thinks one on one is best for me at the moment.

[debbie_tabor]

Fair enough, good luck with the therapy.
Debbie