[Jedda2016]

I love my partner and do not want anyone else. The problem is that I am not able to be affectionate. In actuality, I suppose that you could say that I am often distant with my partner.

This is more likely to happen when I am stressed, because then I want to be alone and so, will withdraw.

I see now that this is a life long pattern. I was the same with my children.

The point is that my partner tells me that he is literally starving for affection, and the fact that I continue do not do the things I know I should, seems to me to be verging on cruelty.

The more he wants me to be affectionate, the more stoic I become. It does feel as though I am both saying, 'I don't need you, and I can manage without you.

But this is not true really . I have had to learn to be very strong in my life, and in someways, I am. But my partner says that I need to face my demons - but I don't know how.

I am aware of the psychological theories around ambivalent parents and the influence this can have on the adult. But knowing this doesn't help be be the warm person I wish to be .

What to do?

[Bill3]

Have you tried seeing a therapist? If so, how did that go?

[Crazy Hitch]

Your partner's needs are not being met. Him asking for affection is not an unrealistic expectation in this relationship; given that you haven't painted him out to be some kind of monster.

Relationships are give and take. And sometimes we need to set out of our comfort zones. If this is truly something he wants, can you not meet him halfway, not for you, but for him.

[Jedda2016]

Yes: I agree. I am going to see a therapist next week.

I have also realised that there is a bit of a dynamic happening between us for many reasons. He was in a bad motor cycle accident early last year, and then, just as he was getting back on his bike, was diagnosed, and treated for successfully ,prostate cancer.

This of course has contributed to the situation I think.

Mortality and all that jazz. I wasn't ready to be confronted so soon I think. And I wasn't ready to lose all that followed.

I am also trying meditation as a means to calm my reactions . Early days but I'm hopeful.