Relationship Status: "It's Complicated"

After being together almost twenty years my wife and I seperated 13 months ago. I put in a lot of work in therapy trying to figure out how to make the marriage work, then trying to figure out how to accept that it was over.

My wife and I do not plan to get divorced for a number of reasons, we have kids, significant joint assets and still care very much for each other.

Friday I hooked up with a friend who I had shared a mutual crush with for years. We never discussed it, and were more Facebook friends and acquaintences than anything more. Partly because neither of us wanted the temptations of screwing up my marriage. My wife for years had joked that she was the woman I should have been with all along.

My wife knows we are dating, or at least that we have been on a date together. We have done significantly more than that...

Now the grief of our marriage really being over is hitting my wife and she is trying to cling to me harder. She is accusing me of not trying to change, not fighting for our marriage, and not trying to reconcile. I checked in with my T yesterday for validation that I had spent years trying to make it work.

The new woman is an Aspie, I have BP. We are both comfortable with sharing DX and treatment history.

Just a complicated situation, but it feels good and right that we are together. I did not leave my wife for her. I made sure I was comfortable that my marriage was over before I even thought about asking anyone out.

Just needed to be able to say all of this in public.

Best wishes to you all, LifeInProgress...

Thanks. I really apreciate all support.

You don't plan on getting divorced for the "number" of reasons you have stated ...

Yet you've started dating and having sex with other women?

I'm not sure I understand.

I am with crazy hitch on this. Not sure what's going on. So you do not plan to divorce your wife. So it means you are married. Yet you say your marriage is over. You don't even want to divorce your wife so how is it over?

Also does your new gf know that you are married and don't want to divorce your wife?

@CH and Divine: He's married on paper only, while the marital relationship has been dissolved...

My (now deceased) brother had a marriage like that, OP please feel free to correct me if I got the wrong end of the stick though.

OP, idk what to say, maybe it took something drastic, like you actually moving on, for your wife to realize she still wants this marriage. Maybe sit down with her and ask her to explain her accusation, maybe she'll be able to acknowledge that you have tried.

Then the stamp of marriage is not worth the paper it's written on

Personally I'd make a bonfire or shred it.

Ok I understand to a point what you're saying about not getting a divorce even with you dating others, dunno if I could do it but at the same time I am not going to judge on that, to each their own.

One point that I have been compelled to make is this though. Your wife is now wanting you "back". Well one thing, she is your wife still technically and really if she wanted to be difficult about it, having no divorce papers in hand, she can make things a mess. With a divorce filed, she will no longer have any hold over you at all anyway, legally or in any other way. Just something to think about. You've done everything else by way of really divorcing her anyway why keep property rights and other thing as shared, that makes no sense to me. I mean if I don't want to be with the person I married physically I sure as he** don't want to share my stuff or rights to anything with them.

If you have children and your wife knows you sleep with someone, she can make a big mess in divorce and custody disputes

I agree with what has been said before. It seems a bigger mess to stay legally married to her than to divorce her and be free of her.

Physically move out and file for divorce. Marriages end all the time sadly enough.

Joint things can be split and child arrangements can be put into place legally.

Kids often see how there parents relationship is and it can and will effect them for life.

I wish you luck

I may in part, understand the issue here, & it's not as uncommon as most people think. The economy is really bad, & many people can't afford to support two households. I am married to a man who is a chronic liar, thief, & thought to be a sociopath. The first 7 years of our relationship, I had no idea he had this "other personality". He was the master of deceit & manipulation, & according to my therapist, being fooled by one of these people for a long time isn't that uncommon. The first years we were together, he was almost clingy, he refused to go anywhere without me, but he had so many fine qualities, that it was a minor issue, to me. After having a child with this person, then being permanently injured in a near-fatal car accident, his behavior & personality began to change rapidly, over a several year period. He became distant, rude, emotionally abusive, & eventually he snapped, when I found out & confronted him, after seeing that he had been stealing the medcations I needed, just to function well enough to care for our baby & myself. He was both taking them, & sharing them with his friends! I'd run out a week or 10 days early every month, despite never even taking the amount RX'd by my pain specialist. My trust in him was so complete, it took my actually catching him ripping me off, before it became clear what had been happening. We had a heated arguement, & he beat me up, in front of our 2 year old daughter, ironically, the same morning that we were to start therapy, that evening. He refused to go, & I had to beg the therapist NOT to report him to the police, since we'd have no income at all. I was, & still am, financially dependent on him, I had no money, or place to go, & a young child to support. As much as it killed me, I was stuck. I lived in a constant state of rage, frustration & fear fir years after, but realized that I had to let it go. It was virtually eating me up alive, but he seemed to revel in it, & I knew it wasn't healthy for our child. I finally quit therapy after 2 years, since my therapist continually insisted that I had to leave, despite having no income, no place to go, & the fear that he might even be awarded custody of our young child, as I couldn't support her, & he could, (even though he'd just be doing it for spite). I tried for years to get him to go to counseling, I even resorting to begging, tears, demands, whatever might work, for a chance to try to repair what had once, (or so I'd thought), been a very good relationship, but he had no interest in reconcilling, even for our child's sake. Even though he isn't physically or overtly emotionally abusive towards her, he's always paid her little to no real attention, he hasnt gone anywhere with her, or us as a family, since she was very small, which has led to some serious emotional issues for her as well. Of course I blame myself, since I couldn't get her out of this situation years ago.The one time I got him to go to therapy with me, he was very rude to the Dr., & refused to participate in any of the things he recommended we do, so he made it obvious that he had no plans to try & change anything, which struck me as so bazaar, since I couldn't imagine anyone wanting to live that way, but sociopathy & it's behavior, does fit him to a "T". I continued to go to therapy alone. I'd never been the "passive" type, who suffers in silence, & will put up with being mentally or physically abused. I had been hit twice, in different relationships in the past, & both men who'd hit me wound up in the hospital, & I left them both right away, so I think he chose to attack me when I was vunerable, walking on two canes, in constant pain, in need of several surgeries, knowing that having a toddler to provide for was my priority. Both the therapist & I think he is a sociopath, who was attracted to the fact that I was a very strong, passionate, self-reliant woman, who didn't put up with any crap. A passive, easily manipulated woman wouldn't have provided the challange for power that he seemed to crave. He then forced a confrontation when he knew he could win.
I did take a sledge hammer & smashed out the entire windshield of his beloved new truck, when I was physically able to do so. He's never hit me again, now that he knows that if he does, he will pay for it, (maybe physically, next time), at some near-future point, when I'm able. He is also a huge sissy, who puts up with other people's crap, he sucks up to everyone, (including people he doesn't even like), that he considered as "more powerful, having more money", etc., & will do whatever he can, to get everyone to like him, even though he knows there's nothing in it for him, which I find really confusing.
He once took a creep in, (all at our risk, & against my many protests), as a business partner, in our jount business. The guy had a reputation as a lying, thieving con artist, that he had previously said many times, he really disliked. The guy wound up stealing $10,000.00 from us, (prior to the accident's having become disabling, when he & I still worked together). He never said or did anything about it. This guy actually started talking crap about him, to my face, after ripping us off, & we almost got into a fight about it. I was really the only person in his life who had ever been completely loyal & devoted to him, & I'd always had his back. I've had no choice but to continue to live with him, but we now split the house, my daughter, (now age 17, & I), live upstairs, & he lives downstairs. We treat each other like distant roommates, only speaking when necessary, & we haven't been intimate for at least 12 years or more. I have dated other men in the past over the years, & I haven't denied it, I just don't bring it up, & I'm sure he knows, since he's seen me out with someone. He may be seeing other women, (or men, I do have questions his sexuality), but I really don't care, nor do I try to find out. I could never have imagined myself ever living in this situation, nor could anyone else who really knows me, but since I'm still disabled, & cannot work, have no income of my own, & no place to go, I've had to reconcile myself to being in this undesirable living arraignment. I'd always thought my living situation was very unique, but I have read a lot online, & even met several other people living in similar situations, so it's not as uncommon as most would think. Would I leave right now, if I could, (& still be able to decently support myself & my daughter)? Yes, in a heartbeat, but I don't still don't have that option, unfortunately. I'm not sure what I'll do when my daughter leaves home, my finances won't have changed any. My husband is also an extreme hoarder, & has filled our once very nice home with junk, which he never did before. He is also very sneaky in every way, making sure that I have access to only to an account with the amount of money I need for basics, & even though he is part of a wealthy family, they are all so paranoid, that, despite having spouses, they all have the bulk of their money from inheritance, income from property, or that they've stashed away, etc., set up in a "family trust", so even getting a decent amount of money to live on is impossible, just from his job income, & I'd lose my much needed medical benefits, in a divorce. I refuse to get into another relationship, just for a way out, as others have suggested. I have no interest in ever being involved in another serious relationship. (I guess I have major "trust issues", for what I think are obvious reasons). At least I know the devil I live with...

Married on paper, but still close friends. We talked more today. She actually seems happy for me. She wants this crazy situation too. We are all consenting adults and going into this with our eyes open. Actually we are all solidly into middle age.

I know other couples that have worked arrangements like this successfully, in some cases for decades.

I want to apologize if I came across as judgemental. I feel that remaining close friends with someone who was once your lover is a much more ideal situation than, say, a bitter wedge having been driven between you that can never be removed. Your child/children aren't thrown in the middle of a highly violent custody battle and are learning that there are several different levels of love a mother and father can have for one another, and are not limited exclusively to romantic love.

Maybe if you find a new partner you have fallen in love with, and want to marry, then it may be more feasible to end the previous marriage legally. I'm sure there are plenty of women who would be understanding of your arrangement in the meantime.

This is unfortunate, it's a shame you did not just follow through with a divorce, in the first place and given your wife that closure.
She may have assumed that your reluctance to divorce was because despite it all you really wanted to get your marriage back on track. It was her safety net, that despite what you were saying your actions told her something different. Only now your seeing someone else she has realised that's not the case and the rug is being pulled from underneath her.

It's not unusual for one partner to agree to things they aren't truely happy with if they think it will keep the significant other in their lives. I.e, trial separation, living apart, seeing other people.

It may have been kinder to just have made it official from the get go. Now, as others have stated you run the risk of this becoming a very painful and messy affair.

I am sorry things have turned out this way, I have been in a not so different situation myself and it's hard, I hope you find a peaceful resolution and that you and your current partner are happy in a less complicated future.

I am friends with my ex husband and we always got along.we also raised a successful child while being divorced. We are married, to other people. You can maintain friendship and you can raise children not being married to each other especially if you date other people. I still recommend that you officially end your marriage so everyone can have closure imho

My wife is is insisting that she doesn't want divorce, and has since I moved out. Moving out was a mutual decision, we just can't live together.

I can see how it looks like "have your cake and eat it too".

Thanks for letting me throw this out there.

I think you'll be perfect for each other, just what each of you need.

There's a saying, before you go up for seconds, finish what's on your plate. Get a divorce and THEN date or do whatever.

I hear you all, and thank you for your perspectives.

Although we are not in exactly the same situation, or for the same reasons, just remember that there are many reasons that people continue to stay married, even though one or both of the partners don't want to be in a traditional marriage anymore. My 1st husband began acting like a total jerk to me, as soon as we got married. I begged him to get counceling, to see if he & I could get along better, & for the saie of our two kids, he said, "There's nothing at all wrong with ME, so maybe you're just f----- crazy"!
When I got to the point where I couldn't stand to look at him another second, & moved out, I thought he'd have a big celebration, after 10 years of acting like I was a stupid, ugly, annoying, loser, who'd never get another "prize" like he was. When I got my new apartment & moved out, he acted like he was completely in shock, & totally caught off guard! Then he wanted to go to counceling, as long as he talked to the councelor 1st, & made himself sound like a completely different, (nice), person. I stormed out after listening to the (in my opinion, stupid counselor, telling me how much he really loved me! She followed me out, & I told her she was pretty naive, for a councelor! Like why would she believe I'd leave such a "great guy"? She had me come in alone, fir a few sessions, & after I'd told her all the reasons I'd left, she told him she could never suggest that I go back to him, (then she was the enemy)! I was totally shocked when he began stalking me, for close to 20 years! I had asked him why he'd treated me so badly for so long, if he really "loved me" & he couldn't even give me an answer! When I asked him "then how could I ever possibly trust that you wouldn't just start acting that way again"? He just said he knew he wouldn't. (Not even close to a "good enough reason" for me, & I didnt love him anymore, by then).
Some people just want to keep all of their old toys, I guess, lol. I feel for you, & I dont think you're a "wanna-be player", either. My ex told the shrink that he wanted to kill my new bf, (who happened to be a buffed, male model, 7 years younger than I was).
He also spent 4 days in a psych hospital, for making "terrorist threats". Everything will work out the way its supposed to, eventually! I'm sure I didn't go out with anyone I thought I'd want to keep around too long, since I wasnt ready for another real relationship, & I didnt get
a legal divorce for 7 years, so nobody would try to push me into one, either.
Do what you need to do, for now. Good luck!