Friendships and feeling trapped

I’m really sorry for posting when this sounds like a lot of teenage angst, but this site was helpful last time and I wasn’t really sure where else to go. Around three years ago I moved from HK, so I lost all of my friends then although I was able to make friends at my new school.

I just feel so trapped at the moment. I’m 15, and at the start of the year my friend who I had been in love with for three years left me for a larger group (I had always been part of the same group but over that year it became more exclusive and I do not think I would have liked to be a part of it since I’m a particularly introverted person). This left me and another friends really upset since the start of the school year, since we have to see them being happy every day while there were always problems with our friendship.

We’ve not exactly been good about moving on since we keep making dirty jokes and pulling pranks on them. I know this is bad and has to stop but it is the only thing that makes both of us laugh and I don’t want any of the alternatives. If I started talking to other girls in my year I’d feel guilty because I’d be seeing them as replacements. My friends called me uncaring and the fact that I am unable to hold a conversation helped end the friendship. I’m afraid of talking to new people, lots of whom and feel like the only place I belonged at that school was with the group. They are also the nicest people in the school and I feel bad about not meeting the criteria.

There are also some other issues surrounding the pranks at school, and I have always been disorganized with homework, which I am still struggling with this year. I know that if I used social media to talk to people who weren’t at my school I could slowly re-build my self-esteem but I haven’t even been able to start accounts because of the work involved. It feels as if I am just procrastinating my life away in this bad situation, which is also preventing me from achieving my long-term goals. Is this normal? I’m feeling really trapped and honestly want to drop out of school even though I know I can’t. Some days I try to be productive but for most I’m just wallowing in my own misery. I’ve tried counseling but it hasn’t helped me, although this is my first time going and I’m not sure if I’m saying the right stuff. Any advice there? Thanks if you took the time to read this, I’d really appreciate an answer.

Hello ThinkOfANameQuick: I read your post a couple of times. But I have to admit I don't really quite understand what this is all about. So I probably can't be of much help.

You wrote you "tried" counseling. But this is your first time going. I don't know what type of counselor you're seeing. Some counselors only deal in more-or-less factual information. They don't really get into personal stuff the way a mental health therapist would. And not every counselor, or therapist, works well with every client. So perhaps the person you're seeing is not the best person for you?

But the other consideration is that counseling (or therapy) is a process that takes time to evolve. One doesn't simply go in, sit down, & something great happens. It takes time & work to develop an understanding of what's causing you to feel & act the way you do. Also, there really aren't any right things to say. You simply have to be honest with your counselor about what you're thinking & feeling... & allow the relationship to develop over time. And it can take some time to feel comfortable talking about some of those things that are of most significance to you personally.

I don't know what to tell you about the situation at school. This does just all sound to me like the kinds of things that go on in school. I think the only thing I could say is try to avoid getting caught up in all of this social stuff that's going on between you & your current in former friend(s). You have a long life ahead of you. And it won't be long at all before all of this stuff you're currently involved with will be just a (hopefully) amusing memory.

On the other hand, it does sound as though perhaps you're struggling with a bit of sadness that is affecting your ability to complete your studies. This may also be part of what is driving what you are involved with at school... the dirty jokes, pranks, etc. So I do think there may be value in your sticking with your counseling (or trying to find someone else to see if the person you're seeing now isn't working for you.) The type of "dynamic" you're into at the moment (not getting your school work done, expending your time & energy on jokes & pranks, & feeling bad about yourself as a person) can become a habit that will not serve you well as you get older. Better to nip it in the bud, as we used to say. I wish you well...

Hello, ThinkOfANameQuick, and welcome to Psych Central--again! You might consider joining our teenage groups here. There's a forum and a social group: http://forums.psychcentral.com/teens-lounge/ and
http://forums.psychcentral.com/group...-problems.html.

Don't give up on therapy. As the Skeezyks says, it takes the right counselor and a good bit of time. But it's worth it.

I'm sorry you lost your friend and the friend group. I had that happen when I was around your age, and I also went through a brief phase where I just didn't feel like doing homework. So, just to answer your question about whether or not it is normal, I do think that a lot of us have these sorts of temporary situations. The fact that you recognize you don't really want to be pulling pranks and that you want to do well with school are good first steps towards achieving those goals, so I think you will come out of this phase soon!

What would your ideal outcome be regarding your friendship situation?

I'm 18.. so I understand how you're feeling I'm really sorry.. I can relate a lot.

Hope your therapy will be helpful for you