[chipanda1976]

Hello, everyone.

First-time poster.

Let me start out by saying that I am not looking for any sort of compassion in regards to my situation, I've made mistakes and I'm living up to them and part of that is trying to overcome some relationship issue that I seem to be experiencing. I fully expect all sorts of responses here but I'm open to whatever perspective anyone can provide.

Here we go. I'm a 40 year old male originally from America but now living overseas. Married twice. I've known my wife for over 5 years, married almost 2. We just recently had our first child, a beautiful baby girl. I adore my daughter and my wife but I've now made the same mistake twice which has led my wife to call for a separation. The mistake is this, shortly after our marriage, I started to sext local sex workers (I live in Bangkok, Thailand). I obtained their contact from craigslist. I contact them and their typical response is to sext in order to attract you as a customer. While I did participate in the banter, I never made a point to meet up in person, that was never my desire or intent. These conversations only gave me mild sexual arousal mostly because you could talk whatever fantasies you wanted but the bulk of the excitement of doing something that I wasn't supposed to do gave me a rush that I quickly became addicted to. I would message a different person every couple of days for a minute or two and then be done. After doing this 5 times my wife saw a notification pop-up on my phone when one of the women messaged me in the night. She was devastated and told me that our marriage was over. I left that night.

When I came back the next day to get some of my things she was there waiting and chose to sit down with me and talk about the situation. We came to an agreement that we would work on it and spent the next 12 months with a lot of ups and downs but I eventually regained her trust. Things were good for a while so we decided to try to have a baby.

Everything was amazing during her pregnancy. We reconnected but on a whole new level.

After the baby was born, things changed as things do when you have a baby. Hormones, lack of sleep on both sides, and being focused on taking care of the baby created a barrier between us. I continued to take care of both her and the baby and was extra loving and understanding of her needs but she expressed a lot of anger towards me. In hindsight, it was probably the hormones, ppd, etc. but when you're part of this overly loving relationship, and your partner suddenly and frequently lashes out at you for no apparent reason it creates some doubts. I'm not ashamed to admit that I was feeling neglected emotionally. It was at that time that I started to do the sexting again through the same channels. It was less frequent this time, the payoff was less intense but I couldn't stop doing it. My wife found, feeling something was up, searched my messaging app and saw a couple of the messages. I didn't even bother to delete them or password protect my phone.

She had said before that if I ever did this again that it was over and it appears that's the case. She still wants me to be in our baby's life so I can't complain but I also don't want it to end our marriage. I'm a bit selfish I guess.

A few bits of info that may be pertinent to this.
1. I'm introverted. I struggle being in social situations involving more than 4 people.

2. I suffer from what I call Mr. Negativity. I imagine the worst possible scenario will happen when pretty much trying anything new or meeting new people. I'm also a deep thinker and often times get lost in my thoughts.

3. I struggle with sharing my thoughts verbally with anyone except my wife. We are also physically affectionate lovers but sex is practically nil (she's more aggressive than I am but I'm just not in the mood most of the time.

4. I'm a B personality type. She's an A. I was raised by a single mom and a grandmother who were also A type personalities. Bi-polar disorder runs in the family. We also have high IQs but lower EQs. Physical affection (non-sexual) was how we expressed love and also through the giving of material things. Not very verbal and I wasn't allowed to hang out with friends outside of our immediate neighborhood until basically rebelled at 17.

5. I rarely make the decisions and generally go along with what my wife or anyone else wants but this is mostly because it makes me happy to see others happy. I also have a bit of history of making impulsive decisions that have generally led to negative results.

Shortly before our wedding, I went through a bit of an identity crisis. I believe this was brought on by an increase in the level of dominance my wife was showing. During our relationship she had rapidly moved up the corporate ladder into a position of high authority. I noticed a change in her at home around this time and felt like she was treating me more and more like an employee. I chalked it up to the stress of the job. I eventually became tired of being a B personality but struggled to become more assertive, mostly due to a lack of confidence and a major fear of failure complex.

Things really started to get to me though at the time of our wedding. It is customary in Thailand, for the wedding to be arranged mostly by the family of the groom. My wife wanted to have a more modern (chic) wedding but my parents wanted a more traditional style (tacky). We had my parents put something together for the venue and when we went to check it out my wife was appalled. She said she would be embarrassed to invite her family and friends to this wedding. Not wanting her to be upset, I told my parents that we would keep looking. This created a rift between her and my parents that didn't subside until our baby was born. For the record, my wife decided on Vegas for our wedding. No family, just a couple of friends.

Now, I'm not bemoaning my wife for this. I could have been more assertive and I wasn't but this led to this sort of self-loathing from then on out.

I adore my wife, always have and probably always will. She is my best friend, and to this day we generally enjoy each others company more than anyone else. She has accepted all of these other characteristics that I bring except the sexting.

So all of this brings me to my inquiry. I plan on trying to work things out but only if I'm able to resolve this responsive issue I have. I've hurt her quite sharply twice and I don't want to do it again. For the record I've never done anything like this before, it was just these two incidents but I see a pattern emerging and I want to break it so it doesn't happen again.

So do you think this is just garden variety cheating? Do any of the other markers I mentioned lead anyone to think that this is something more?

Thank you for reading this extremely long account and I look forward to your responses.

[TishaBuv]

Hello and welcome to pc! I'm surprised after your well put backstory that your question is if it is garden variety cheating. Yes, I suppose it is only sexting with strangers. It gives you more of a jolly because you are doing something naughty and not even really a sexual thrill.

Plus your wife threatened to end your marriage, but she just had a baby with you, so she will probably put up with this behavior until your daughter gets a little older.

You are sexting because of deeper resentment issues.

I am sorry you are struggling with this. Of course your wife is hurt and I'm sure you understand this. Often times bad behaviors escalate, so just because you were not meeting them now, doesn't mean you won't get increasingly more brave. Or perhaps you won't but it's not healthy for your wife or your child.

Netflix has some good documentaries on the Thailand sex trade. Perhaps if you watched what these girls actually go through and how they are abused and manipulated and given intentional drug addictions, you will feel different about the whole thing? Especially now since you have a daughter? Also, look up the statistics of STD's in the Thailand sex trade. Keep yourself safe.

I worked for a large US company that also has ties in Thailand. The owner would throw big mandatory meetings and brag about sending his son to Thailand to taste the ladies in the sex trade. I felt abused just listening to him. It's a sad, sad thing and these poor girls live such a sad and abusive life. Many are kidnapoed and put in the trade while they are still young children.

Please get some counseling for your sake, your wife and especially your daughter. You sound like a reasonable person and you need help right now. You deserve help and so does your family. (((Hugs to you, your family and all those poor Thai girls)))

Just wanted to echo Elsa, I hope you will seek counselling because your post indicates many unhappiness issues in your life as well as the sexting incidents. It sounds like you've been bottling a lot of stuff up for a long time.

I agree you deserve help.

[MickeyCheeky]

Yeah, I think counselling is the best option for both you and your wife.. wish you good luck!

Originally Posted by chipanda1976

Bi-polar disorder runs in the family.

If you have inherited a predisposition towards bipolar disorder (it can be slow and subtle in development, or may not yet have initiated), or if you were raised by parents that struggled with it, your behavior and your understanding of and reactions to others' behavior could be affected by it in ways which you might not be able to recognize. I would talk to a psychiatrist, just to be sure. Craigslist in Bangkok sounds like a flume ride that ends in divorce and/or an aggressive STD, and you're buying tickets.

[Erebos]

I just wondered, if you say you get a thrill out of it because your doing something your not meant too. Would it lose its appeal if your wife knew and didn't care.

I just wonder if your trying to receive some aknowledge ment that she still feels deeply for you by provoking jealousy/hurt?

[Hairball]

I think u need to show her that u are willing to get some help, which may or may not go a long ways with her.