[Sweetone93]

Long story short. I have trust issues. Mostly from abusive alcoholic parents, some from prior relationship infidelity and abuse and some from current husbands womanizing behavior when we first met and dated. Then further exacerbated when I found some writing of his detailing that he wasn't attracted to me, thought the sex was boring, and wanted to sleep with everyone around him. We went through a period where I feel he was addicted to porn and stopped sleeping with me as well. Fast forward to today and two kids later and he and I have grown together by leaps and bounds both maturing and trying to get through these past issues. So far we've done really good IMHO and have learned to communicate and work very well together. Present issue at hand is a woman who my gut tells me is kind of a mess and looking for validation from anyone and anything that will give it to her. My husband and I are in recovery and it's important for both of us to maintain relations with our sponsors to ensure sobriety. We frequent a Friday night meeting that has childcare and this woman was sitting across from us in a skirt legs spread knees on the chair in front of her directly flashing my husband. I felt disrespected and wrote her off as someone to steer clear of. My husband had been going to a meeting with his sponsor on wed nights and spoke a couple weeks ago. We got a babysitter so I could go support him and ms flasher was the literature person at this meeting. Since then every time he goes I find myself having a panic attack around these trust issues and playing the what ifs over and over in my head. I'm scared I don't completely trust him. I'm scared this flasher can destroy the whole life I have built with my husband and then I feel guilty for feeling this way. I don't want to push him away because of my mental issues so have been careful to not get angry at him, accuse him of anything, or ask him to stop going to this meeting but I can't control these emotions. It's happened for a month straight now every wed night. I've shared with my husband after he's picked up something was off with me and I've made it clear I know this is my issue. We're now stuck trying to figure out a way for him to get his recovery and me to feel we'll simultaneously. I don't know what the right thing is to do here? Keep feeling this until it stops and I grow or it breaks me down? Ask him to not go to that meeting (although admittedly this doesn't feel right because there are always going to be

Possible trigger:

sluts

popping up). I have no idea how to deal with this and have no tools but really really want to be okay on wed nights. Please help!!!!

[gayleggg]

Have you spoken to your sponsor about it? That might be where I would start, as it could affect your sobriety. Otherwise, you might consider a counselor if you don't already have one. Because you are right there are women who are ready to step in if given the chance. But that doesn't mean that your husband would be open to the idea. You have a lot in common. Try not to blame him for what this female does. Work the fourth step on this subject. Lack of trust is a big issue, don't take it lightly, or it could harm your relationship.

[Sweetone93]

I'm meeting with my sponsor tomorrow and will talk to her then. We will inevitably see ms flasher tonight. I'm really trying to use this opportunity to force myself to trust my husband completely. I'm terrified on if this means that inevitable our marriage is doomed to fail or if there is hope. We've talked about seeing an Mft.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Sweetone93: I'm sorry you find yourself in this most difficult situation. I don't really know anything about this. So I can't be of any help. But I just thought I would say that, from my perspective, communication is very important in a marriage. You mentioned you & your hubby are thinking of seeing an MFT. From my perspective, that seems like an excellent idea. You really have two options here. You can either get out in front of this now & figure out how to handle it, or you can worry & ruminate over it & hope it turns out okay. Personally I think the former is the way to go. I wish you both well...

[shezbut]

Hello Sweetone93~ (((hugs))) to you!

Sounds like you are up against a major challenge, unfortunately in such a soft and vulnerable spot. You are correct. You developing some trust with your husband, despite a woman's beauty and/or "easiness", is a really important part of a strong commitment. I think that working with a MFT together would be HUGE for both you and your husband.

In the U.S., there are low-cost clinics in many, many cities to help those couldn't otherwise afford to seek out help. Don't know if cost is a worry for you or not, just thought I'd mention it, just in case. I hope that things went well for you both today. Take care!

[Bill3]

You are presenting this problem as your personal issue and not as a problem with him or in your relationship. Given that, my perspective is that individual counseling for you may be more useful than seeing an Mft jointly.

What is the actual evidence that you have about this woman and about your husband? Starting with the woman: what has she done besides sit across from your husband that one time? Does she approach your husband in an inviting manner? What does he say about his interactions with her (if any)?

With regard to your husband: what is the evidence that he is interested in her or in any other woman now? How long ago was his womanizing?

You have done really well to stay away from accusing him. Good job! .

You might want to learn more about this woman. The mind runs wild when it has few facts to moor it. What can your husband tell you about her background and recovery? Does she speak at meetings? Maybe she is actually serious about her recovery (she was doing the literature work) and should not be labeled so quickly. Or, alternatively, maybe she is in fact specifically targeting your husband. What is the actual evidence, one way or the other, about her recovery and her intentions? Maybe on Fridays it would be good to make a point of learning facts with an open mind about this woman and her recovery. Remember that the mind can run wild when unmoored by facts. An individual counselor can help you explore and address these issues.