[LeavesNoTrace]

Last month, I turned 28. I always spend some time reflecting around my birthday and 2016 was a tough year in many ways. With the exception of my significant other, I feel completely unmoored from those around me and totally alienated from my friends and family.

To some people, I seem to have it all. A loving and affectionate relationship. A comfortable, rent-stabilized apartment in Manhattan. An adorable cat. A successful side-career as a commercial print model. A social media feed full of photos smiling in beautiful clothes and hanging out in nice looking places. People often describe me as “happy,” “glamorous” and “smart” although I feel anything but lately.

I’ve had some struggles. I’ve been seeking in-house employment in my field all year and making it into round two and three of my interviews only to be rejected. My partner’s family law firm is struggling to make ends meet, and he may have to take a substantial pay cut to keep the business running. His sister is also trying her best to sabotage him at every turn. We’re worried about finances and may have to put off getting engaged until things firm up.

My mom died four years ago, and I cut ties with my abusive father. I still have diagnosed PTSD and anxiety from that experience, as well as the rape and abuse I suffered from an ex I was seeing at the time. (Not to mention having my life threatened at gunpoint, but that’s another story.) Life hasn’t always been easy, but I’ve counted on my childhood friends just as they’ve counted on me.

Lately, some of my oldest/closest friends have turned against me and resent that I’m trying to be happy. Without rehashing the story ad nauseam, I recently tried to make amends with a dear childhood friend with whom I had a falling out earlier this year. She drunkenly lashed out at me after I told her that my partner and I were looking at engagement rings and we went very low contact for several months.

Apparently, it’s all my fault, and she won’t see her role in how things went down. Her last email was very negative, and I haven’t been able to respond. Not to mention, another one of our friends who has also expressed jealousy and competitiveness toward me seems to have taken her side—telling me that I “deserved” it, even though she wasn’t even there.

A third friend, a strict vegan who lives halfway across the country, called me a “vapid *****” after she found out I had taken a job modeling fur (I’ve never represented myself as anti-fur so not sure why that surprised her, but anyway….) and hasn’t texted me since. So I guess that friendship is over too.

I’m not sure what I did to deserve this. All of these people seemed to like me better when I was fat. When I couldn’t get a boyfriend. When I lived at home with my parents 10 years ago and had no aspirations other than smoking pot and being their funny friend. Now that things are finally going my way—I feel like I’ve lost everything.

I’m not sure where to go from here. Do I try to repair these friendships or just let things fall where they may? I have no idea how to make new friends, and whenever I try, people get busy or totally flake-out, making me feel completely rejected. A lot of highs and lows I guess…

I don’t want to be one of those people whose only friend is their boyfriend. That’s never been my style, but it looks like that’s the direction in which I’m heading.

[Steiner of Thule]

People like when they have someone to look down on.

[JoeS21]

First of all, congratulations on making it through so much and still having a good job and what sounds like a solid relationship. I can see how it would be nice to have more people in your life, including supportive long term friends and family. It can be difficult to figure out what's going on in other people's relationships. As general advice, I would try not to mention things that could make someone else jealous unless they directly ask about it.

If someone's full of bad energy, sometimes a break is what's needed. Keep in mind when you can or can't steer a discussion in a better direction from where the other person is taking it. If they are getting negative, try to redirect to something more positive.

Remember to give old friends the benefit of the doubt whenever possible. Sometimes people are unaware about when they are acting out in jealousy, etc. Listen carefully. Figure out what their issue truly is and address it. Seek to understand the other person's perspective no matter how different it is from your own, and for them to understand you.

If time permits, put yourself in a position to meet new people and see them on a regular basis. It's nice to have a mixture of old and new friends.

Good luck!

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by LeavesNoTrace

I’m not sure what I did to deserve this. All of these people seemed to like me better when I was fat. When I couldn’t get a boyfriend. When I lived at home with my parents 10 years ago and had no aspirations other than smoking pot and being their funny friend. Now that things are finally going my way—I feel like I’ve lost everything.

First I'd like to say that I don't think you did anything to deserve any of it. You are living your life, and doing your thing. Rest assured nothing in what you've described shows evidence of anything except that they are jealous women which, I know... many women can be. Not stating all women are but it's also not an uncommon theme between friends that grow different directions in their lives some of them more prosperous and fortunate than others.

what I see is that you're trying to reconnect with a past that no longer exists, friends that have grown in different directions than you or... maybe haven't grown, and you have... therefore yet another source of jealousy. This entire post even in as little as you've said, seems to me that you're all different people now and that's pretty common in life growing up. It's not inherently a bad thing even if their treatment and attitudes toward you are.

What I am trying to say is there is nothing for you to feel bad about at least not directed at yourself. If anything I would be angry that they treated you as they did but even then you have to acknowledge that maybe they are stuck in their lives and unhappy and anyone contrasting that and moving on is going to bring this out of them. also. They are obviously quite immature and maybe you've grown up a bit and they just haven't.

I’m not sure where to go from here. Do I try to repair these friendships or just let things fall where they may? I have no idea how to make new friends, and whenever I try, people get busy or totally flake-out, making me feel completely rejected. A lot of highs and lows I guess…

Well it is harder in adult life to figure out how to find friends as we are all busier people and do have other things on our mind. In youth we are forced into a certain social circle (school) day in and day out for 12 yrs of our life. we made friends then because it was not difficult to see the same people everyday and we were forced to interact. In adult life we all go our different directions and we have jobs, pretty much all in different places. There is not the same bond in our coworkers we found in school so that's a hard place to make friends and finding a consistent place to meet people regularly facilitating frienships is difficult too. People here typically mention meet ups and although I haven't been to one, I know that more than a few people here have tried that so perhaps that's an idea.

With your old friends, well the ball is in their court, you really have not done anything to them for you to be the one to reconcile so maybe letting things be is the thing to do.

I don’t want to be one of those people whose only friend is their boyfriend. That’s never been my style, but it looks like that’s the direction in which I’m heading.

You have a lot of stuff on your mind and it's hard facing the challenges you have with your bf right now let alone finding the energy to meet new people. don't be too pessimistic about your future. You'll eventually meet people but if not, try what I suggested above.