[JacksonWest]

Hello,
I never thought I would be doing this at my age (34), but I am trying to get advice on this female (27). I have been interacting with this girl since June. She is very shy and socially awkward. It is like she is afraid of me, but tries to be around me or in my social setting if that makes sense. I am trying to get advice from girls that relate to being socially awkward. I am shy as well and do not have the history of dating that the average person my age probably has, but I am beyond confused with this girl and how to approach her/maker her feel comfortable. I have never seen anything like this. I am not only getting mixed messages. I am getting extremely mixed messages. I apologize in advance at the length of the post!

She and I both work at the same large institution (in different locations, so we very rarely see each other at our jobs). We are both big sports fans, which is how we kind of met and started talking. I have known her since June 2016. When we were first talking, she didn't appear to be nervous or anything. We talked about sports, so she was comfortable. June is pretty much the only time I see her at work and it definitely seemed like she was watching me. I was trying to make an attempt to get to know her a little more and tried to get a group of people together for dinner. She showed, along with me and another coworker. This time, she was much quieter. She was nervous and I could see how shy she was. Once my coworker left, she asked for a ride back to her car (she had walked). I gave her a ride and noticed that she was extremely nervous to the point that she randomly stopped at a car thinking it was mine (she had never seen my car) and blushed like she was mortified. The next day, one of her married coworkers saw my coworker at a city concert and I asked if I was there as well. I had talked to this coworker once and never went to one of these city concerts before, so it is odd that she would be asking about me, but she was with her, so I think that had something to do with it. We both had summer vacations, so we were both out of the area for a few weeks. I had invited her to different things, but she seemed to be busy whenever I asked or gave weird answers. One time, I was with another coworker of hers at a weekly trivia outing. I had mentioned something about going with a group of people to a game in another state and she had suggested I invite this girl. I mentioned that I am not sure I am not annoying her, but the coworker said no and said that she just takes a long time to get comfortable around people and proceeded to give me tips to talk to her (I.e. talk sports).

I started to notice she was entering my social circle more. She had only gone to trivia once, but after I mentioned I go, she started to go. If I asked her, she would be “busy”, but would show up to things like this. One day, she asked my male coworker (married) to watch a game. I was out of town that weekend. That seemed odd to me, as my coworker was married and it was difficult to get her to go to events. Well, my coworker informed me that she asked about my dating life. She asked if I date a lot and if I am in a good place to date. She apparently asked “several” questions about me. This was on a Saturday. The following Thursday, I had a party at my house. She was the last one to leave and was cuddled in one of my blankets on my couch. Once people left, she seemed to be flustered again and nervous. I tried talking to her and she would barely say a word. I wanted to ask her out, but just didn't as she was so nervous. The following Saturday, I got it in my mind to ask her out. Since she was so shy, I thought I would message her. She responded with: I am in the middle of getting back with my ex, so it would not be fair to him to accept your offer. Three days later, I went to trivia and she was there. I was expecting it to be awkward, but she was very talkative and seemed to be more in my space than normal. Her coworker just kind of stayed back and let us talk. The next Saturday (1 week after I asked her), she texted my coworker again to check about watching a game. He was out of town though, so he did not. If he were in town, I would likely be watching the game with him. I did send her a message telling her that I hoped I did not make her uncomfortable and that I still enjoyed doing the group outings. I invited her to a couple of events again and she always seemed to act like she was busy or told me to remind her of the games in a few weeks. When that time came, I told her that I was having trouble understanding if she wanted to be invited to these. When I did, she responded with she is free Thursday and could go to the game with me and my coworkers that week. I told her that we were going out to eat first and would let her know if people stayed at the bar to watch the game, but she almost invited herself to go. She knows those coworkers, but has only talked to them once or a couple of times, so I am sure it was hard for her to go with her nerves. The next week, we were going to watch a game. My coworker got sick, so he could not go. She brought one of her coworkers and stayed late that night. She was definitely comfortable that time. The next time, other people bailed, so it was just the two of us. She seemed nervous, but she stayed for 3 hours. She was starting to mimic (admittedly awkwardly) things I had said and seemed like whatever I disliked, she started to dislike and whatever I liked, she started to like. I had an unusual discussion about my career plans. Something was brought up about me leaving the job and she recommended a place close to where I live and was giving the impression that she wanted me close.

We hung out 5 of the next 6 weeks (the only week being the week of Thanksgiving), usually with other people around. She also asked about watching a game the one night. Up until that point, I had to initiate the contact and invites. Yet, during that time she bumped into a couple of my coworkers and she invited them to hang out with her at a class. During our trips to the bar, she started to eat my fries. She just kind of helped herself to those, but only with mine. I would get a pack of gum out and she would just grab a piece. It seemed like she was getting more comfortable with me and was not acting like a friend. But, when she would get close, it seemed like she would pull away. I saw her on campus at an institution wide meeting and she got nervous when she saw me. We had another one a couple of weeks later and it was like she was trying not to acknowledge me. The one time we were together I had to go back to the parking lot (a few blocks away) at night. She wanted my coworker to go with me and seemed to be worried about me. After she left, my coworker was talking about how nervous she was when I was gone and that she was over the top worried about my safety.

When I was having a group of people around, it seemed like she needed somebody around, but at the same time would be trying to get into my inner circle. She would ask if anybody else was going, but when they would go, her attention would be on me. She wanted my opinion on things like she was trying to get my approval. The holiday season came, so we were both gone for a couple of weeks. I sent her a couple of messages, but never got a lengthy response. She was with friends during Thanksgiving. She was with friends/family during Christmas and we messaged New Years Eve, so I am assuming she was just with friends then.

There is no indication at all that she really was with the ex anymore or ever was and she is not treating me like a friend. Last week, I sent her a message inviting her again and got another unusual answer. I asked her if she still wanted to be invited to these and that I was struggling to tell if she wanted to be invited. This takes me to yesterday. A few of us were going to the bar again. The others bailed, so it was just her and I. She asked if others were going and I said I doubted. She ended up still going and seemed fine with that. She seemed much more comfortable and had an easier time talking. She seemed to be having fun. Well, one of her coworkers ended up being there and came over to say hi. She got really nervous that she saw us together there. She did seem to come out of it, but she was nervous enough that she could not even remember her coworker's husband”s name. I mentioned something to her that she can invite other people to these, but she said she did not want to because she has trust issues. She has lived in this city for a long time and knows quite a few people, but hardly ever takes her friends. I thought I was making progress with her being able to go with it just being the two of us. She mentioned the trust issues, so I assumed that she is starting to trust me if she is willing to share this. However, today it was just the two of us going and she said she could not make it today after she found that out.

So....this girl is asking about my dating life....wanting to hang out with my friends...wants input in where I look for jobs.... eats my food...worries about me... asks about me whenever she is with my coworkers.....her friends are asking about me....

But, she always gives me weird answers when I invite her to things, even though she is able to contact my coworkers... I have given my phone number to her a couple of times, but she uses facebook messenger to contact me and I don't have her phone number.....She has asked four of my coworkers to hang out.

My coworker that keeps getting thrust into this is lost as she is showing signs of interest toward me, but as he put it “it is like she is not giving me a chance”. I am not treated like a friend. I am not treated like a colleague. I am not treated like a boyfriend. I am just being and have been treated differently.

I just need some advice. It almost comes across as her playing me, but then I know how shy she is and it doesn't seem like she could do that. I thought that maybe I was the “just in case guy”, but again, she is so awkward that I just don't think it fits. She is just so introverted, so I am having a hard time figuring out why she avoids me.

[JacksonWest]

Any experience with attempting to date somebody that has a lot of anxiety. I feel like I am being kept close, but not too close. One minute she acts couple-ish, but then the next she seems afraid.

Have you thought about being very direct and asking her something along the lines of "Hey, I really like you and you seem to like me, but I'm a little confused in what way you are interested in me - as a friend or something more?"

It'll take bravery on your part but hopefully she should give you a definite answer.

[JacksonWest]

I have tried to have that conversation a couple of times, but she gets very nervous and starts to stutter when she knows I am starting to ask her about this. I honestly have never seen somebody as nervous as she is with this.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

It could be anxiety..and maybe I'm a bit cynical atm..but this confusing behavior. Fine in groups..awkward alone..awkwardwkward when a coworker of hers shows up unexpectedly when you are alone..no phone number only contact thru messenger???....I'm getting redflags here..I think she is hiding something maybe...maybe it's just that she's still kinda back and forth with the ex?
Or it could be there are broken up but he still has a bit of a hold on her?..idk...whatever the case..if you are feeling confused...like prefab said...I would ask directly, but not aggressively. If her response is vague or she is uncomfortable with responding...just give yourself some space..wait for her to contact you. Hopefully she will be honest about whatever her deal is...but even if she is just shy with trust issues..you gotta let her know that her confusing behavior is messing with you too. It's not all about her comfortability, you shouldn't need to be confused and uncomfortable either. It's a two way street.

It sounds like she is being obstructive. You have come forward it really is up to her to meet you half way, like said above it's a two way street.

[JacksonWest]

I have a hard time trusting people, so that thought popped up in mind. But, as shy and introverted as she is around me, that is not the typical personality of somebody that is cheating. Now, the ex could still have a hold on her... That could definitely be it and she could be torn on what to do. This girl is just so shy and nervous. the first time I gave her a ride back to her car, she was literally shaking and was blushing.

It's possible that she has such profound anxiety issues that she's not ready to be in a relationship. If she's not in therapy now, I honestly think she could benefit from seeing a counselor as it seems to me she is functionally impaired in the relationship department.

[JacksonWest]

I have definitely thought about that.....That she is not ready for a relationship, but wants to keep me close. That is what it sort of feels like.... Wants to, but not ready to. Which, is okay as long as I know I am moving in the right direction. Right now, I don't know what to really expect. I am going to approach her about the trust issues, so she knows that she can open up to me if she needs to talk. Since she mentioned to me that she has trust issues, I am just going to tell her that if she needs to talk, I can listen..

[MickeyCheeky]

That sounds like the best choice Tell her that you'll always be available when she needs it.. mayce she will slowly open up after you tell her

[JacksonWest]

Thanks. I will see how it goes. I notice myself choosing my words very carefully with her though. I know it takes a long time for her to get comfortable, but she is getting more and more comfortable around me. Some of the things I would typically say while dating are not the same things I would say around her though. The approach is different as well. I will give this a go though, to see if she starts to open up to me.

[Talthybius]

Now you never really state that you like her or what you want. So I am assuming you do like her and want something to happen.

I don't know how it would help to plainly say you think she can trust you.

Maybe you need to ask some yes-no question, force her to say no to you. If that works, you shouldn't definitely give up, even if for somet reason it is obvious she isn't truthful.

Another thing you might be able to do is convey to her that you don't mind she is awkward and nervous. You have to do this in a way not to brand her as akward or nervous. I guess it is hard to do, as it both has to be obvious to her, but you don't want to label her.

All shy people who got into relationships always told me they were really nervous at some point, until they realized the other person also was nervous, and that helped lower the nerves. Assuming two people already like each other, I guess it never matters if you are awkward or nervous together, as then it is considered cute. On the other hand, I can see that if you have doubts about the other person and you see nervousness, that can be offputting.

You seem to be measuring yourself using her as a measuring stick. And she might be really odd and thus bad for your ego. If it is all that difficult, maybe it isn't worth it.

[JacksonWest]

Well, that did not work that well. I told her I am here to talk if she needs it.... She said she thinks I over thought what she said and was a little defensive... I am not sure how I overthought it. She said she has trust issues, which is why she does not invite her friends.

I actually sent her a message and asked her to talk sometime. I am beyond confused by her. I am starting to have my doubts anything can happen.

[JacksonWest]

Well, I talked to her... The ex is not in the picture anymore. She is single. She does not date people from the same institution, so it is not going to happen. She tried it once, but it did not go well. I quite possibly have the worst wingman ever. Back when she asked about my dating life, apparently my coworker was trying to get information about her. It came off of as creepy, so she changed the topic to my dating life. It still does not explain why she gets nervous when she sees me on campus. It still does not explain why she wants input on where I work, if I do leave. I don't get why she eats off of my plate or any of that. I do now have the phone number though. But, yeah....pretty humiliating.

Hey don't be hard on yourself, you put yourself out there and asked her straight - you did yourself a big favour, now you know and can move on.