[tiodlliwi]

My husband and my closest "couple friends" have recently divorced and I am having a difficult time with knowing how to be friends with both. They are definately NOT friends with each other, the male is my hubbie's best friend of 10+ years so his loyalty lies with him, naturally. I am trying to remain nuetral and stay friends with both but it's difficult.

My question is this: my friend (the woman) confided in me recently that she has been seeing the man that she messed around with while married- a situation that got the ball rolling on her leaving her husband. She asked me not to tell my husband or her ex. I told her I would not, as she has been there for me in the past and I would hate if she or others were to betray my trust. But it feels weird witholding this from my husband. But I also feel that he would judge, be angry, and possibly tell his friend and others and she would be "shunned" from the social connections she is working on rebuilding. I feel that it is not my place to tell anyone, nor is it necessarily anyone's business- they are divorced now afterall. It's just difficult to keep such a big secret from my husband. And, when it does come out in the future, they will know I knew and was lying to them.

Please, any suggestions- I'm really struggling with this!

Also, I will be in a social situation this Friday where I will be seeing both of them. I am very nervous on how to act, who to talk to, etc. I will not be able to be myself and will feel like every move I make is a "strategic decision" of some sort.

[Wants2Fly]

RE: I will not be able to be myself and will feel like every move I make is a "strategic decision" of some sort.

Well, it sounds like every move will involve a strategic decision of some sort. I wouldn't want to be in your place. This is a tough one.

I will share something that happened to me, and how it went down. I had had a friend for, I dunno, 7 years or so. She loved to have two men fight over her -- and I mean right down to fists flying. She started an affair with an old beau at her wedding.

Fast forward two years or so. I am a houseguest. She wants me to be her beard so that she can introduce me to her lover, claiming to her husband that she was showing me a night on the town. The whole thing made my stomach hurt so badly that I got cramps and diarrhea. She had zero sympathy for my pain, and said I had to go out with her to meet the bf on the side, otherwise her darling husband would know something was up if I stayed in and she went out alone.

In the car, she said that she was so glad that I lived in another city, because I could be her confidante about this new relationship, since there was no chance that I could drop any information by accident to mutual friends. I told her that I did not want to be her confidante, and she told me I was narrow-minded.

She was fine with her husband the next morning to all appearances, but I was completely weirded out. I also felt that if this was the way she treated the person she had pledged to love and treasure for her whole life, I could never expect her to show any greater respect for me, a mere friend living in another city.

She tried to keep in touch, but that was it for me. There are some notable differences between my story and yours -- she was cheating in her marriage; she was using me as a beard; she disregarded my physical pain in a callous way.

Would it help to tell your friend that being her confidante creates an uncomfortable barrier in your relationship with your husband -- and that you have to put those ties first? That you wish her all the best, and you will always be there for her when she is in need, but when it comes to this one thing, she cannot expect you to keep her secret???

[Cheri]

Since they are now divorced, it's really none of his business how she spends her time, or with whom. I would keep her confidence and not tell the ex. You already know telling him would create a negative situation and intensify bad feelings that no one really needs to endure. This is especially true if there are children involved.

If you're uncomfortable with the information she's giving you, ask her not to talk with you about it in the future.

[tiodlliwi]

Thanks to you both! That helps. I think it's a particularly sticky situation because she was MY confident years back when I personally (and unfortunately) had an affair. My husband now knows everything, but at the time she was there for me and didn't tell a soul. So, in a way, even though I am uncomfortable, I feel like I owe her one.

But you're right, the bigger picture is that they are no longer married so it isn't her ex's business. And, really, it isn't my husband's either. And, if I were to tell him, he would be equally uncomfortable with the information.

Anyways, thanks so much for the advice and for sharing your story wants2fly!

[Wants2Fly]

I like Cheri's perspective on this one. Wish I'd thought of that.