[Tryingtosurvive1]

Hello.. I'm a new member in this forum (40, female). I'm struggling with self-esteem and relationship issues. I went through a divorce 2 years back, which itself led to some amount of self-doubt and loneliness; about 6 months back I got into a close friendship with a co-worker (single, about my age) and got very emotionally attached with him. We went out together, spent nights chatting in a platonic way, shared personal experiences and grievances, he claimed to really like me and care for me as a person. However a couple of months back he started drawing back somewhat - saying he had an 'image' of me which he now found I didn't quite match up to - and became snarky and rude towards me, no longer initiating meetings or conversations.

Unfortunately (and perhaps inevitably) by this time I was already in love with him. I ended up telling him of my feelings. He seemed to react in a neutral way, saying he can never think of a friend in a romantic way (so a relationship was automatically ruled out); but he assured me that our friendship was to continue. However things are even worse between us now - he talks curtly to me, seems to mostly avoid me or be uncomfortable when I'm around, cuts me off if I try to ask him anything. It's hell, emotionally, because (a) I miss our previous friendship, (b) I still have feelings for him, and (c) I can't even avoid him completely since we work in the same department, live in the same building and have the same social group.

All this is definitely not helping my existing personal and self-esteem issues; the mental pressure of it is beginning to make me feel suicidal at times.

Help! Has anyone gone through anything similar? Is there a solution, other than leaving this job and moving away (which I can't do)?

[Skeezyks]

Hello Tryingtosurvive1: I'm sorry I cannot address your concerns. However I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

Welcome!

I think it would be a good idea to back away from the friendship and keep things on an acquaintance sort of level. Be courteous and polite to him, but do not engage with him any further.

It sounds like he idolized you and what he didn't know about you, he filled in the blanks in his mind. And then when he got to know you, the truth set in that you weren't exactly how he envisioned you. As a result he's taken to being rude to you. Kind of like a little kid throwing a tantrum when they don't get their way. (It is a bit immature IMHO.)

I think you should take the high road and rise above his childish behavior. I think its good that you found out the truth about him now, how he acts when things don't go exactly as he planned. Honestly, this speaks VOLUMES about the person he really is. I think you may have dodged a bullet.

I mean think of how he would have reacted if you two got serious and then got married....but the relationship still didn't work out? He probably would act a whole lot worse, I'm guessing.

I think distancing yourself from him is best, and keep your relationship professional. If you can, branch out and try to find new friends outside of your circle. Hugs.

[TishaBuv]

Hi and welcome to PC!

What did he find out about you that gave him such disappointment and crushed his image of you? I'm guessing he is very old fashioned and chauvinistic, and this has something to do with that.

I agree with GoldenWaves, in the fact he has gotten nasty means he is deep down an abusive guy and you did dodge a bullet.

I would have an honest talk with him about this and find closure. Whatever it is you did shouldn't warrant his nastiness.

[Crazy Hitch]

I'm sorry to hear how everything worked out in the relationship.

Unfortunately, he was upfront with you and seemed to be right from the beginning when you confided in him that you had fallen in love with him. In some respects, he did you a favour, rather than carry out a pretentious relationship where he didn't reciprocate the feelings.

For your own sake, consider limiting your contact with him for a bit as he's unlikely to change his mind and is probably doing this as a defence mechanism to make you "back off" a bit ...

[toolman65]

I see in your profile you are in India...

Could his behaviour have anything to do with religion or the Caste system?

Maybe he met someone and lacks the courtesy to tell you.

One thing i do know, you will always have friends on this site

Namaste

[Rose76]

I nrever went through a situation like this, but maybe I have some insight.

Though you find him lovable, this is not a nice guy. He knew you were attracted to and cared for him before you told him. You don't strike me as someone who's hard to read. This guy led you on. He's into head games. Has he always been single? Of course, he's had relationships. But a 40 year old guy who's never fully committed is into himself. Or he's into his mother. Or he's cheap as heck. Or he's a skirt hound. Or he's just a weirdo.

Stay civil, but drop all pretenses that you two are buddies. You are lonely. He saw that and exploited it to kill some time.

You don't conform to his image of you that he had. What a snot. Who says stuff like that? Nobody decent. Nevermind "close friendships" with single guys your age. A guy either wants to date you, or he doesn't. This guy has played you.

He cared for you "as a person." He wasted your time is what he did. Cultivate female buddies. Straight single guys your age are not candidates for deep talking-half-the-night platonic friendships.

He got bored with you, and that's lucky for you. Don't tell him anything else personal about yourself. He's a bit of a voyeur. He got you to, psychologically, take your clothes off, so he could scan you. The guy's a creep. No wonder he's 40ish and single.

You are lonely and ready to accept a quick fix for that. Slow down. You have not learned to keep appropriate personal boundaries. Not your fault, just a blind spot you have.

40 is still young. Work isn't the best place to seek out intimate relations. Find other venues. You'll miss him and feel hurt for awhile. In time, that will abate. He's bad for you. Keep a distance away from him.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry about your situation. Like other suggested, I think the best solution is to slowly cut contacts with him.. trying to re-build anything would probably just hurt you more in the long run.

[seesaw]

I agree it seems the best route is to be civil but keep contact to the barest minimum and try to move on. He is not going to be what you need him to be, and he has shown his true colors in how he is treating you after you confessed your feelings to him.

Sorry you got hurt.

seesaw

[Tryingtosurvive1]

Thanks a lot to all of you for your inputs! You gave me some food for thought and fresh perspectives, as well as confirming a few things that were already in my mind but I was skirting around having to admit.

Yes, it's probably true as GoldenWaves and others said, that he has some personality issues of his own, because of which he created this 'image' of me and then reacted so strongly to my not matching up to it. From what I know of him, it's not really chauvinism, but rather some form of narcissism - during his 'getting disillusioned' phase he kept getting irritated that I forget some of the things he tells me (trivial things like what he cooked last night etc), or misinterpret him sometimes, because he apparently expected me to understand him perfectly. I actually pointed out to him once that no-one can understand anyone perfectly.

Tbh, I wouldn't have been surprised if he started acting awkward around me AFTER knowing I have feelings for him, given that he doesn't reciprocate them - that's kind of natural - but his backing off happened before that, and apparently for more complicated reasons.

Possibly we both are lonely in our own ways - he's been single from years, with one failed relationship long back - and he needed a companion to vent his thoughts and frustrations. At some point he realized that I wasn't the perfect candidate for this purpose; but as some of you said, behaving badly with me at that point reeks of too much self-absorption and too little consideration.

I'm glad to have my suspicion reinforced that a relationship with him would have been bad for me in the long run, anyway. At the moment I'm just trying to be civil around him to the extent that our circumstances enforce.. and trying to get over the nagging sense of missing him. I probably need to seriously consider that I might have a pattern, since I have a past history of marriage/divorce with a distant, borderline emotionally abusive partner.

(To someone who asked, no, this doesn't have anything to do with caste or religion - we would be a good fit on those counts, even by Indian standards).