Friendship issue

I have a problem in that I continuously seem to make friends with people that are wrong for me. I am super down to earth and usually am very kind and open. Perhaps the issue is that generally, I am open to all. But not everyone is open to me.

So people that I welcome in, and want to come in... come in... and turn out to be not like me at all. I suspect that most people like me are highly selective about who they let into their lives and sort of do it the opposite. They are highly selective and stand offish but once they let someone in, then they are open and kind and friendly.

I don't want to be standoffish and selective. But being open and down to earth continues to send the wrong people my way.

Also, I recently made yet another "friend" that is wrong for me. We have be talking for 6 months about generalities. But I have recently realized she as a person is in a completely different space from me and frankly, I don't want to deal with her disastrous life which, is just about to explode. I feel guilty about wanting to leave her in a lurch but I also know in my heart that I owe her no obligation. And frankly I feel like not telling her off is doing her a disservice. Perhaps she needs someone to be rude to her and light a fire under her but... not that I think I will do that.

Anyone else?

Yeah, I try and manage that by being slow to upgrade candidates from aquaintance-status to friend-status. Trouble is they upgrade thenselves. Meanwhile, I'm thinking, "I need to break it to you that you aren't that special to me."

Yeh... very much that. At work I have friends that I don't even know why we are friends other than... there is no way to really nip them in the bud without being, in their mind, rude. I never even upgraded them... they just kind of kept insinuating themselves. Work is particularly hard because you cannot alienate people that you have to work with. But in my personal life... something has to change.

Last spring the same thing happened except that the person was super pushy. I did get rid of her by just cutting off conversation.

Also, anyone else... is everyone pretty much a mess these days? Is that why they are looking for friends? Because they are a mess and looking for assistance?

Is she putting her disastrous life on you?

It IS indeed possible to stay friends with people who aren't perfect by setting strong boundaries. I think that you should practice setting boundaries instead of looking for friends that are always in the right space for you.....please hear me out. :-) What I mean to say is that life is forever changing. Nobody will always be in a great place, not even you. If you're constantly letting go of people because they are struggling, you will always find yourself alone. And on the flip side, at some point you'll be the friend who needs support and you'll see how people do indeed "disappear" when you need them most. (It happened to me in spades.)

I can't tell you what you should do with this particular friend as I don't know enough details, but I don't think its always wise to just cut and run when someone is struggling.

If you don't know how to set boundaries in relationships, I highly suggest that you learn how to do that. It will keep people from walking all over you simply because you are "open".

I say all of this as someone who is INCREDIBLY open toward others. People misinterpret my actions. I have had to learn how to set boundaries in order to keep myself from being taken advantage of. And of course, some people are indeed "users" and its important to learn how to spot these people and be able to say "goodbye". In the end friendship is a two way street of give and take. Its important to be able to both give support and get support. If a friendship isn't working out for you and you've tried your best to set boundaries and keep things balanced, then there's no harm in moving on. You'll know you did everything you could to keep the friendship healthy but it just wasn't meant to be. Hugs.

I am she may never specifically ask but she is in a space right now that is so dangerous, so different from me, that I can't help but feel that this will not be an equal give and take relationship and thus I feel like i am barking down the wrong tree. She has a lot of growing up to do.

She is 5 years younger than me and
- lives with her mother.
- lives in a home where she has rats (and won't do anything)
- is so poor that she has her wages garnished for her student debt
- has never had sex or any sort of sexual activity
- she cannot drive
- the kicker, she admits freely that she is afraid of doing things and will never change any of this.
- When her elderly mother dies, which is obviously going to happen, she will be in dire straights because social security supports them all.

My heart does does go out to her but even if I would be willing to assist her I can't because she MUST learn to do these things for herself. But you wonder exactly why is she talking to me. It doesn't take a genius to think she wants help of one kind or another. So why am I talking to her. Boredom... a sense of obligation.. perhaps at first I hoped I could influence her but the more she speaks the more I realize it is hopeless. Being there for her will only keep her from taking on her very real problems and perhaps... she will want me to help.

Last year I broke of a similar situation. That person had, by the time she stared talking to me, been basically drummed out of her employment (she was in a union) and was living on borrowed time before being evicted from her apartment. But instead of focusing on that... she took what money she had left and went to Florida for a vacation. After that happened like 4 times and she continued to rage and the injustice of being called out on her poor behavior and not addressing the fact that she needed a job and need to do something... I broke it off because her complaining to me was actually enabling her to continue to ignore her situation.

I'm highly selective when it comes to people to the point I prefer to be alone than to be around the wrong people. I think many if not most people aren't compatible with me, and I'm not willing to compromise for the sake of not being alone (I have high tolerance to loneliness, although at times it strikes me). That's why I have hard times forming friendships. Yet I have the openness problem in the sense that I say things to people whom I barely know that I shouldn't say by mentioning unnecessary details. It's naive. But it happens a lot.

It sounds like you are able to see when a situation is indeed unhealthy, and remove yourself from the situation.

If I had a friend like yours, I would probably exit the friendship myself. I know that people have all sorts of struggles in life, but I don't want to be around people who aren't trying to better themselves when things go wrong. I mean why should I give them "support" when they won't even "support" themselves?

I think you're right in wanting to end things with your current friend. There's only so much you can do for another person.

I think that you'll be much happier when you have friendships that are more balanced. It can be hard to find these sorts of friendships, but they are indeed out there. I think its good to take things slow when getting to know a good friend, that way you can evaluate things as you go and not end up in over your head so to speak.

Just remember, friendship is always a two way street. Of course there will be times when one person needs more support and cannot give as much support, so that's why its important to look at the overall picture----and I think you have done just that. Its not so much that your friend is in a bad spot and needs support while she works things out....she's freely admitted that she's in a bad place and has told you that she won't ever get out of this bad place. I think that does indeed put a lot of strain on a friendship, as it makes it an unbalanced relationship. Hugs.

I think it's about priorities. I don't have the time for people who are too much work. Not like I am selfish but if i have extra time and energy it will be spent on my family, which is a priority, not random people who need saving.

I have a life long friend who is nervy and pushy, wanting from me. I tell her to get in line behind my family.

You don't owe these friends anything.

Friends are people you enjoy being with and doing things together. It's that simple.

I think, as people get older, they naturally have their attention more absorbed by the growth of their family, especially the arrival of grandchildren. In my case, I have neither kids, or grandchildren. But caring for my sig. other, who has, increasing health issues is taking up more and more of my time.

The aquaintences who have gotten needy, I notice, are the ones who either don't have kids and, especially, grandkids to focus on . . . . or the ones whose families don't really want to be too bothered with them. My neighbor has grandkids, but she doesn't take that much interest in them, or vice versa. Adult kids often are doing their own thing and don't require a lot of parental attention. I've noticed there are grandmothers whose kids won't leave them with the grandchildren - like they're incompetent to even babysit. These women seem to have big holes in their lives.

Then there are women who sow discord in their families, and, after a while, they get ignored as troublemakers. I've known some like that who are looking to glom on to someone outside their family who'll put up with them.

I'm even starring to figure that, married or single, people whose relatives shun them are very apt to have darn good reason that they do so. I used to feel so sorry for a few whose families neglected them on holidays. One person like that I know who thinks she's my bosom buddy has just gotton herself demoted permanently in my mind down to "acquaintence to be avoided." I almost feel like telling her, "You like to needle people and play headgames of one upsmanship. No wonder your family invites you to nothing. I don't need that in my life either."

As I get older, I find myself coveting the rare "alone" time I can have just for me. Being a primary caregiver to an ill man, I'm not so interested in hearing from needy people.

I am starting to feel the same way. Like Mr. Stranger I am starting to have a really hard time wanting to be around people.

Recently I have been winding down a lot of my friends, getting rid of Facebook. At first i was scared it was a bad thing for me but what I am finding is that I feel better than ever. First, just the time that used to be expended talking to them is returned to me. Interestingly, that is a lot of time. Then I don't feel, I don't know, trapped in messes of their own choosing. I can't help but feel that what they really want is assistance from me, in talk or otherwise and I am tried of providing it.

So when a new person latches on to me, a person who clearly will not be able to ever assist me in any manner, I am happy that I am starting to recognize and take active steps to change it. Now I just have to figure out how to get rid of her. I am thinking about just not responding.. rip the band aid off.