Lost in translation

I'm not really sure where to start with this, but I'm really in need of perspective at the moment, some honest advice is welcome..

I met John two years ago. It was a whirlwind, and I felt instantly attracted to his intelligence and depth and we would talk for hours about everything and anything.. things moved very quickly, which is not really my style but within three months we had moved in together. As it progressed I became aware of his financial instability and quickly he began relying on me to help with guiding him out of the financial mess of his past relationship. He has a son who was 2, and we cared for him almost 50% of the time. This was a big change for me. I tried to maintain the stability I needed to manage my life: work and study, but began feeling overwhelmed with the way he managed (or didn't) manage his. He started drinking, and I discovered this had been a theme for most of his life, however when we met he wasn't drinking, and told me how he was moving ahead and had such strong passions about creating a healthy life. The drinking brought instability too, and continues to, in that normal routine goes out the window and when I'm trying to wind down for the night, he is winding up and intensely talking about anything and everything. It spins in circles, I've lost my calm centred approach. Fast forward to now, and we are arguing a lot. His ways of communicating can come across very hard and harsh, and I struggle to feel there is space for me and my needs to be heard. If I voice my boundaries, or raise a concern, he is extremely defensive and raises his voice and talks to me with a nasty tone.. I've dropped back on my study, my anxiety has increased considerably and my ability to cope with everyday stresses is wavering. I've always been independent and managed myself in a sensible and stable way. I need security and stability, it's how I roll.

I feel claustrophobic, and have lost my passion for the things that spark me, and in ways it feels there is no space for those things anymore. He says he gives me space and freedom, which he does, but at the same time little things are said and twisted that result in me not feeling free at all. I've become relative, and now seem to blow up in similar ways to him, which I'm trying to own, but I can't seem to move forward, or feel supported in trying to improve methods of communication.. he will rant about how it is, which is really how he perceives it, and when I try and express how I feel, he denies me my feelings and tells me how it is. I'm acting a bit crazy, and he is shining light on that, and I feel so overwhelmed trying to figure it out. It spins in circles and arguments last for hours until I'm baffled, exhausted and over it. It isn't constructive.

I know it takes two, and I am trying to somehow keep a clean house, study, work and help raise a child. He expresses love, and maintains it - says the right words often, but somehow I feel like he is playing a part, or that the real was of it is lacking.. it's so hard to explain.. it's become so complex and complicated, but he seems not to desire or act in ways that promote stability.. and the load is so heavy for me to carry.. I feel he is gaining a lot here, and I am spinning and feeling depleted. I've maintained my financial independence, and haven't allowed him to borrow from me.. we have been talking about buying a house, which require me to put my life savings as a deposit, and him nothing (we would have to rely more heavily on his income once we had moved in though).. but I have tried to express I'd like him to repay a debt to his exes mother before hand, and he says it shouldn't be a problem and that I'm trying to blackmail him.

This is probably a big rambling mess, I feel quite confused and can't find my feet. I was thriving in my life prior to meeting him, and now I'm not.. maybe it's me, maybe he is right, love should be enough and all my little gripes aren't coming from a place of love.. I just don't know anymore. I'm 34, he is 36. Any help, or advice, is welcome..

News flash.

Love is NEVER enough. Never, ever, ever.

Love doesn't somehow conquer all of the wrongs and make them right. (If it did, people should just stay with abusers because the abuse doesn't matter when love is in the picture, according to the love conquers all logic.)

I am honestly leaning toward undiagnosed mental illness exacerbated by substance abuse.

Is he willing to change? I mean REALLY change? If not, can you live like this for the rest of your life?

And don't buy into being the only one to make a down payment on the house. As soon as he's on the title, half is his. Why put yourself up for such financial risk? Especially when someone has shown you in every possible way that they can that they are not financially responsible and will most likely ruin you?

If the lack of stability hasn't made you crazy by now, it soon will.

Why would you blame yourself for going from thriving to struggling when you've been bombarded by an incredibly destabilizing force? Are you trying to make excuses for him?

If I were you, which I am not, I would seriously let this guy go. I couldn't see living the rest of my live in chaos. (And I don't see him changing----chaotic people tend to stay chaotic----its like its in their blood, they crave the chaos and randomness and have no real desire for stability.)