[NEGuyfromBritain]

Hi,
This is my first time and first post on the forum after being referred here from the main website and looking through some of the posts already on here.

The problem I'm having is that well, I have pretty bad luck with picking partners I guess. I always appear to pick ones that are controlling, irate, emotionally abusive or actually relatively normal but self obsessed and then leave me.
So the last couple I think have been the worst for me. The first one I was engaged to but she was self obsessed and left me because she no longer could handle being with somebody that had a child and that she had to compete for attention over. I mean my child was pretty young at the time, potty training, couldn't wipe her own bum. It's not like she was a teenager and didn't need me fussing over her. Anyway it broke my heart but after almost a year I was in a better place and moved on to my last girlfriend. I felt happy with her and we only broke up when she demanded I either have a baby with her or leave (this was 9 months in). It's not even that I was averse to the idea it was more the ultimatum and the fact she would gamble our relationship on a demand to get her own way.
After we split up I talked to my friends about how it was obviously hard for her to be with me because of all the things she had said I had done wrong and that's when my eyes were opened. They pointed out that the things I done were normal and I wasn't in the wrong to be upset by some of the things she had been doing but she was convincing me that she was never in the wrong and I was wrong for ever feeling like she was. I was essentially in an emotionally abusive relationship and for months and even now still I struggle not to go back to it even though I know this fact. All my friends and family don't want me near her because of how she's treated me but she seemed to have a hold on me.

Anyway I kind of got passed it a bit after not seeing her for a while but now I feel a bit broken. I've tried talking to other women, dating them but I can't commit. I can't stand the idea of spending much time with them and it's progressively getting worse to the point I don't even want them talking to me unless it's platonic. I've just developed the intense fear of relationships and rather than time making it get better it seems to be getting worse. I've went from panicking about being alone to panicking about not being alone.
Has anyone ever experienced this before and is there a way out? How do you even begin to open up to anyone?

[Crazy Hitch]

I think you're building up a defence mechanism in order to prevent yourself from being hurt again due to some nasty experiences.

It's not healthy, which I think you gather since you're posting here.

Do you see a therapist?

[NEGuyfromBritain]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

I think you're building up a defence mechanism in order to prevent yourself from being hurt again due to some nasty experiences.

It's not healthy, which I think you gather since you're posting here.

Do you see a therapist?

I don't see a therapist, no. I've come close to it a few times in past with my depression and anxiety but I wimp out from going anymore after the first sessions. I'm not sure why but I just get even more anxious about going and talking about myself and I feel like my mind goes blank and I don't know what to even say so I think they must think I'm wasting their time.

Do you think this is something that will only go away through therapy?