I had a fight with my boyfriend over my insecurities surrounding the relationship and made him cry. I immediately began feeling very awful about doing this to him and realized I'm so, so far from perfect.

What went down: I accused him of not putting his all into the relationship and dragging me along, along with details of why I felt so. I did it in a hurt and cold way. He was very, very hurt by this, since he says this was all out of nowhere. I also angrily said that my insecurities were so bad that many other people would break up at this point. I also accused him of probably wishing to be with someone else.

(sigh) I just can't believe myself.

I did my best to console him and make up, especially after seeing how hurt he was, and to explain that I was in the wrong and had not been controlling my anxiety. Either way, I'm seeing my therapist again soon and will discuss it with him.

I've had similar "outbreaks" of anxiety and the need to "defend myself" from my boyfriend, but those are my own issues. I don't want him to be hurt by them, and instead want to work out my anxiety in a healthier way with him. He is willing to listen. I just have issues with anxiety and likely the fear of being abandoned (something my family has done quite a few times to me throughout my life). These bursts of fighting energy have actually gone down over time for me, since I feel "safer" more and more over the relationship, especially since my boyfriend has gone out of his way to make me feel more secure and not hide things from me as much.

Does anyone have any advice for overcoming this? I think we have a chance for a great relationship, but this issue seems to be getting in the way. It's hard on both of us. Especially him. He's a trooper for not judging me for it, especially since he always seems to know that it's my anxiety causing it and it's short-lived.

[Skeezyks]

Boy... I wish I knew what the answer is here. It seems like I put my foot in my mouth, as the saying goes, multiple times every day! As soon as I say something I know it was the wrong thing to say. Often I know it even before I say it. But do you think I can stop myself from saying it? No!

From what you wrote, it sounds like you're doing a good job of owning your problem & doing as much as possible to make amends. But I understand what you want is to not have these outbursts to begin with.

The Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön writes about learning to allow some space to occur between when someone says something to us & when we reply. Often, she writes, if one can just wait a few seconds before speaking, that brief interlude can create an opportunity of us to react in new ways & avoid simply popping off like we have typically done. This is what I try to do. But it can be devilishly difficult to do in real life.

[Bill3]

I'm a bad person...

You are not a bad person.

You are a hurt person.

Sometimes the pain expresses itself in ways that are very difficult to control and that you later regret.

[hobo2000]

Originally Posted by Breezy~Day

I had a fight with my boyfriend over my insecurities surrounding the relationship and made him cry. I immediately began feeling very awful about doing this to him and realized I'm so, so far from perfect.

What went down: I accused him of not putting his all into the relationship and dragging me along, along with details of why I felt so. I did it in a hurt and cold way. He was very, very hurt by this, since he says this was all out of nowhere. I also angrily said that my insecurities were so bad that many other people would break up at this point. I also accused him of probably wishing to be with someone else.

(sigh) I just can't believe myself.

I did my best to console him and make up, especially after seeing how hurt he was, and to explain that I was in the wrong and had not been controlling my anxiety. Either way, I'm seeing my therapist again soon and will discuss it with him.

I've had similar "outbreaks" of anxiety and the need to "defend myself" from my boyfriend, but those are my own issues. I don't want him to be hurt by them, and instead want to work out my anxiety in a healthier way with him. He is willing to listen. I just have issues with anxiety and likely the fear of being abandoned (something my family has done quite a few times to me throughout my life). These bursts of fighting energy have actually gone down over time for me, since I feel "safer" more and more over the relationship, especially since my boyfriend has gone out of his way to make me feel more secure and not hide things from me as much.

Does anyone have any advice for overcoming this? I think we have a chance for a great relationship, but this issue seems to be getting in the way. It's hard on both of us. Especially him. He's a trooper for not judging me for it, especially since he always seems to know that it's my anxiety causing it and it's short-lived.

You're lucky you're in the kind of relationship where your boyfriend will cry in front of you. I was in a relationship with a depressed shell of a person for four years and it was hard. There was no amount of feelings and communication that could save our relationship. Maybe if you and your boyfriend did couples therapy you could work on your long term goals together and feel more secure as well. I wish you luck.

[eskielover]

Time!!!! It just takes time to feel safe in a new environment. I lived around totslly dysfunctional people all me life from parents right into marriage & felt like I HAD to fight for everything I wanted or needed. Fast forward 54 years of that, I finally left that life for a life on my own. It took me years of having wonder new friends & support that was like norhing I ever experienced before even though in my case I am now living alone....but from continued positive experiences I have learned that I dont have to fight & REAL FUNCTIONAL people understand & listen & at times even anticipate my needs through only a conversation. It just takes time to get used to living in a functional environment. Be open & aware of it. It will grow on you.

Thanks everyone so much!

You know eskielover, I think you're right. I grew up in a very negative household. My boyfriend grew up in a loving and safe household. He has had no major worries about our relationship and seems way more confident about it then I, so I think it's a sign of the issue. I really am not used to being "safe" around other people, but I'll follow your advice and try to adjust to it. I know the relationship is starting to do me good like this.

Thanks, Skeezyks. I've actually found that doing that is helping me, so I've been practicing calmly analyzing a situation where'd I'd be upset before allowing myself to allow strong emotions to take any control. It is taking a while to get the hang of it, since it is hard.