[justxholdon]

I feel so guilty even typing this out but I'm about to lose my freakin' mind. It's a genuine fear of mine that my gf is going to look up this forum and even consider joining it because I'm a part of it.

Because anything I do that doesn't involve her - needs to, in her mind.

If I'm on my phone texting my family (or trying to participate in mental health chats), she'll rest her head on my shoulder and then drop down to rest on my chest/stomach literally getting between me and my phone so I either put it down or allow her to read everything me and they are saying.

She'll do the same if I'm on my laptop trying to pursue this forum. If I sit on the floor, she'll kick her legs out or come and join me. If I go to another room she'll follow. I could be doing literally anything and it's like - she can't let me be. And I'm seconds away from screaming.

I don't want to snap. I don't want to react. I want to do this in a way that doesn't make her feel attacked or pushed away but holy beep do I need some freakin' space.

I'm horrible at assertion. And this makes her sound borderline stalkerish and I don't know that I'm not saying that. It's gotten so intense lately.

I'm kind of tempted to change usernames so I'm less easy to find given this is a line from a song I love.

Is that too far? I don't even know anymore.

We live together and share a lease and that lease isn't up until the end of the year so leaving is not really an option. I had to sign a lease I can't comfortably afford because of well, reasons and I'm bleeding money rather than saving it.

So assertion and boundaries. Any advice/tips/tricks you got, lay 'em on me. Please.

[Bill3]

How would she react if you said in a civil manner that you need space to do X and you will be done in an hour?

[s4ndm4n2006]

To be honest, you shouldn't have to live that way and this is entirely intrusive. First, I do agree that one step could be what Bill said above but at the same time, I'm wondering what it is you actually see in her.

The wording of your post, is very negative and I am not saying anything bad about how you have done so but analyzing what it means and what it says about your feelings toward her. The only thing I see pointing to why you're still with her is that leaving "is not an option" due to the lease. That's really not a strong enough option to remain in a relationship. The fact that you even mention it is kind of alluding to the fact that you know that it's something to consider though. Which speaks volumes to the unmentioned problems in your relationship here.

On top of that you are at the point of feeling like you're gonna snap. You state you don't want to snap which tells me that you're at that point and trying to avoid it. That too speaks volumes to your relationship with her aside from just her intrusiveness here.

She sounds very controlling and manipulative and pretty much no one likes to live with someone like that, let alone be in a romantic relationship with them.

You won't like my advice but the only thing that may not be an option is "physically leaving". I admit I don't know all of what you're going through and this is all just my analysis of your words but I do feel that you're very unhappy in this relationship and if I'm right, either drastic relationship changes need to happen or you need to move on.

[justxholdon]

Thanks Bill, trying to formulate responses to your question have been rather enlightening.

And thank you s4ndm4n2006 - what you've taken the time to write was hard to read but ultimately very truthful.

It's a relationship I'm not happy in. That's the first time I've let myself even think it, much less discuss it.

But my fear is that my current mental state is distorting things.

That if I was not in such a deep dark place for lack of a better way of putting it that I wouldn't be so resentful and dissatisfied.

Maybe I would then feel what she does if I was capable?

My sibling suggested the same, and had even offered up examples of how he'd ended things but shared out a lease anyway.

It's def things to think about. Thank you all very much.

[Trippin2.0]

I would invade her space and block her view to her phone, laptop and books with my big head. Just for good measure, I'd even follow her into the bathroom!

Sure it sounds really childish and probably even passive aggressive, but at least I would get the message across without saying something that might be downright rude...

That's just me though, actions speak louder than words

And by the time we actually discuss her behavior, she'd already have a feel for what its like, albeit with extreme examples.

I agree with S4ndman though, you sound deathly unhappy and her refusal to give you any personal space is probably just the cherry on the cake...

[LookingforCalm]

From reading what you wrote and your responses, you're simply unhappy. I've been there. I think we all have. The worst thing feeling is to not only feel unhappy, but trapped.

Oh man - can I relate.

Ultimately, you will snap. That's simply what is going to happen if you guys don't discuss this. You'll probably snap anyway because you've been "holding the peace" too long.
You're going to get so fed up that this might be the only way to get things out.

Even the most non-confrontational person has a breaking point, and I can so relate to what you wrote. I dated a guy that got mad at me because he wasn't able to read my texts, check my email, and even got upset when I visited family. I put up with this for a year until I finally said I was leaving.

I did snap. It was ugly, but he wouldn't listen otherwise.

Most of us don't like living in a cage. Having to justify every single thing that doesn't involve the person we're supposed to care about for two seconds is exhausting.
"who's that" and "where are you going" is too much to explain all the time.
It's also invasive, manipulative, and possessive. There is a balance with relationships, but from what I've read you guys don't have one.

Listen to your gut. That's what I tell everyone I know. Listen to it. It's usually right. And then decide what you need to do.

We're talking about your happiness too. All of this sucks, but look at the big picture. Is there one with her?

There's your answer.

Good luck.

[justxholdon]

Thank you Trippin2.0 as much as it probably shouldn't have, your suggestions did make me laugh. And some small part of me is sorely tempted but mostly too exhausted.

I'm a little ashamed it took this thread to realize I'm unhappy. I think somewhere I knew that but every time I tried to express that to certain family members (and really you'd think I've learned by now) they'd tell me it's normal. Give it time. It'll pass. LOL you're so funny.

So I was resigning myself to it.

Thank you for the long post LookingforCalm. It definitely hit some tender areas very bluntly but I needed to hear it. Thank you and I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

I don't think my gut and I are on speaking terms. This isn't the first time I've suddenly found myself in a relationship like this and wondering how I got here. I should have known better. I should have seen it.

I have a therapy appointment this week. I'll bring it up there. See if they can offer any kind of structure or guidance for how to mitigate the fallout and then start forming a plan 'b' as far as co-habiting through our lease or figuring out somewhere else to go.

Again, thank you all very much for helping me face a truth I wasn't willing to see.

[lizardlady]

Originally Posted by justxholdon

But my fear is that my current mental state is distorting things.

That if I was not in such a deep dark place for lack of a better way of putting it that I wouldn't be so resentful and dissatisfied.

Could it be that your mental state (deep dark place) is caused by the situation you are in?

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by justxholdon

And thank you s4ndm4n2006 - what you've taken the time to write was hard to read but ultimately very truthful.

You're welcome. I believe that some of the hardest things to face are the most impacting and life changing truths in life. Again, though, not assuming that I know the entire truth here.

But my fear is that my current mental state is distorting things.

That if I was not in such a deep dark place for lack of a better way of putting it that I wouldn't be so resentful and dissatisfied.

Maybe I would then feel what she does if I was capable?

here's what I thought when I just read this part of your response. I do understand your considering your own state of mind and whether things are being skewed. What you've stated are things that are quite difficult to really put a spin on. If she blocks your view or intrudes upon you in certain instances, that's fact. Either she does the things you say or she doesn't. Your perceptions of why someone may do such things could be biased and skewed by mental state but I feel no matter how you look at it her behavior is very likely intrusive and manipulative. I don't see how this can be a skewing of reality unless you were to be making things up, which I don't feel you are.

Going out on a limb here, let's say that your perception of things is darkened by your mental state. considering the situation, it's understandable and for me, anyway, it's not a reason to consider sticking around, but another red flag as to why perhaps you should not be in this relationship. It underscores, not minimizes the reason to get out.

My sibling suggested the same, and had even offered up examples of how he'd ended things but shared out a lease anyway.

It's def things to think about. Thank you all very much.

Hope this helps

Has she perhaps had negative experience with say a previous partner for having such distrust? What are her own habits regarding electronic devices and social media? What kind of time are you spending? And how much of this is done in her presence?

Is there room in the relationship for a give and take regarding boundaries? Are you both able to make concessions to find a common ground?

My boyfriend and I have made some agreements regarding boundaries when it comes to texting and social media. Of course I still get uncomfortable but I need to trust. We have also agreed that neither of us will use our cell phones at all in the other's presence. This has come from hurt feelings on both sides that whatever has our attention on our phones has apparently taken priority over the other person.