[spiritpanda]

I'm a coward. there's this girl my heart skips for however, she is so far out of reach, even for me, someone who doesn't have a heart to love is hurting. Its been 8 years. in those times, I've only dated people to use them because I felt lonely. I know its low. I even drew in another victim to my web of loneliness and in the end, this person is only going to get hurt. we aren't dating nor physical, however it doesn't matter. my only wish is to forget completely but that can't be. i'll just keep finding replacements to fill that void until eventually the hole disappears.

[TishaBuv]

You are so hard on yourself.

Why does anybody date anybody? What makes you different and scum?

[MickeyCheeky]

What do you mean when you said you "used" them?

I know how it is man, you are just trying to survive like most of us who have been hurt.

Believe me, I've done the same thing. I've never had a stable long term relationship in my life because all I've done throughout most of my adult life is use people who cared about me to sate my need for human connection without putting myself at risk of "getting hurt". The closest thing I've ever had to a "normal" relationship with a woman is unstable short term flings with a couple of women that were just as messed up as me that ended with me feeling more hurt than before because I don't think a "normal" person could possibly understand or love somebody like me. Now I don't give a damn about emotional intimacy, just give me sex and leave me the hell alone afterwards.

Now, I hide in online video game worlds and I have pretty much ran out of people to use so I'm now obsessed with this idea of becoming a famous twitch streamer and YouTuber or even competing in a tournament or two for cash and sponsorships so I can seem more appealing to people and be respected for the only thing that I think I'm good at; playing video games. Not to mention, twitch streamers and YouTubers make a killing and some of the game tournaments have hundreds of thousands or millions of dollars of cash prizes and between the raving fangirls that would fawn over me and the money that I would have to hire prostitutes, I would never be short of female contact.

So yeah, I understand what you're going through. You're not a bad person; you're merely a hardened survivor.

[spiritpanda]

the lies we tell ourselves to make us feel better, the untruthful emotions we feel just to connect, and the pain we cause by breaking our own hearts. a simple wish just to feel loved but yet, in truth we only end up hurt on the end. why let ourselves feel such misery. its better just to leave once feelings are caught because in the end, neither of us would feel anything.