My friend a victim of Munchausen by proxy?

First of all, I'm not a specialist in clinical psychology. This topic won't be about me, I'm not even sure why I write this, perhaps I just want to share it with someone.

So, I have this female friend of mine who I met at an online forum when I was twelve. I'm 22 now, but we still sometimes get in touch. She lives almost 400 km away from me, but I was visiting her in the past. Last time I visited her was probably when I was around 17 or 18. We usually contact through Facebook etc. She has like three other friends apart from me that I know, including one guy who joined my circle of friends and it's a complicated story in general.

So, my female friend is around 28-29 now. When I met her, she was younger and introduced as someone who has a mental illness, depression and sociophobia and doesn't leave the house. There was a time in her life she wasn't leaving the house for five years, then when I was younger, I would visit her sometimes and we would take her to another city for a trip with her other friends. She was and still is throughout many psychiatric and psychological assessments, she uses this kind of help on a daily basic, was in a daytime psychiatric care. She had a disability status for a few years, who was then refused to her because she started working for this foundation and kept travelling and generally showed she is able to do all kinds of stuff with a little help and when everything is well organised and planned ahead. She has some autistic traits in general. She is extremely immature, both physically and mentally, but that maybe due to some of her hormonal issues, that I won't tell you. Generally, I got used to her lifestyle and didn't bother with it for many years, our contact was minimal, we watch movies sometimes etc, but today I had this conversation with her that just gave me this "aha" moment. And it brings another story about her.

The conversation:
Her: Interesting how it would be if we switched families.
Me: Well, I don't think I would stand your mother trying to control me and everything around her. Would she even let me go out outside to work?
Her: To work, surely. But I don't think you could go outside at night to go to the bars and clubs and end up laying somewhere drunk to death.
Me: I don't even go to bars and clubs anymore and don't drink heavily cause I'm too old for that, not a teenager anymore. But generally speaking, I'm 22, I earn my own money, I'm and adult and are able to fully decide where I wanna go and when.

Etc, etc, but that was just a small digression. I was visiting her as a teenager, like when I was 15 or 16 and was in a pretty rebellious state of mind back then, once I went to a party with her another friend, and it ended up with her mother and her throwing away all of my stuff before that friend's apartment and telling everyone I'm a wrecked alcoholic. Her mother would call my mother secretly in the past and tell her some things about me, I still don't know what, but maybe that's better. My female friend is 28 and never drunk a beer, went for a walk without her mother's knowledge, never talked to a boy who would not be her gay friend, never smoked a cigarette and never had this rebellious state in life.

So, her mother. Imagine a 28 year old whose mother has this blank account on Facebook to control her daughter, whose mother follows her every conversation with her friends on social media and insists she'd tell her news about what she has been talking about with who.

My friend's mother is a nurse at a huge, popular hospital. She has lost her mother due to suicide at a young age. Her husband is depressed and withdrawn, doesn't work and doesn't care about anything that happens in the family.

That mother also has a brother, who struggles with his mental health, but kind of manages to live on his own somehow. She constantly tries to make him live with her and thinks he is not able to be self-reliant and insists that has schizophrenia, even though the guy has been in few mental institutions and doctors always say that he is not schizophrenic, they don't see that schizophrenia in him and may have some less severe mental issues, if so. When he wanted to move out of the city she lives in, she started doing everything she could to keep him there and still bragged about him being schizo who needs to be under constant control and take meds. My friend told me that, believing in every word her mother says, still she couldn't tell me about anything that would make her mom's brother schizophrenic.

So, my female friend has always believed she is not capable of a normal life and she is completely dependent on her mother. She trusts her fully, never criticizes her and always speaks of her as the most caring and loving person in the world. But I never liked her mother, especially when I've heard she's been reading my conversation with her daughter just "out of interest". Yeah. I'm a pretty analitical and very suspicious creature, I just needed to try figure this out.

When I was speaking to this friend it turned out that her mother would often go to her psychologists and psychiatrists with her or, instead of her. Some doctors would be pretty shocked about why is a mother of a 28 year old girl coming and speaking for her, but my friend would always criticize the doctors and say that her mother just knows better what to say.

She is convinced of having this terrible mental issues that makes her incapable of living an independent life, yet her description of fears and social anxiety never actually matched what I know about it, being the sufferer of it. I don't say she doesn't have mental issues, but I personally think they are a bit different from the story she tells herself and her biggest problem is her dependence upon her mother. I think she could lead more independent living if her mother wasn't so controlling, if she didn't take her away from high school to have home schooling. The girl was pretty bright in some subjects and she could write finals at her home but never did because thought studying is not for disabled people like her. She constantly goes to psychologists, to therapy, but nothing comes out of it and the topic of her mother is the only one never brought up. She blames her father instead and thinks her mom is cool. When the committee for giving a disability status told my friend and her mother that they don't think she should have a disability anymore due to fact she did okay at this foundation job and travelled etc, her mother wanted to go to the court with her and do anything to make her an officially disabled person.

I just feel pretty upset about acknowledging the fact that someone's mother can be so emotionally disturbed to the point of keeping an adult person mentally a twelve year old. Personally, I suspect her mother might have Munchausen by proxy.

I also remember when I visited her once and was on these meds for my physical condition and her mother started bragging to her about how I should stop these meds because they're not right for me, and I was like, hello, you're just a nurse, not a doctor, stop doing this. I would never visit her again because of the idea of having to see her mother. Because then I would say something and I cannot be sure if she wouldn't start making something up about me. Actually I don't feel comfortable sharing any info's with her in case "her mother reads it", that's why I mostly don't. So there are just online conversations from time to time. What do you think about it? You think I should do something or not?

Frustrating as this situation is, your friend isn't in any direct harm.
She is blissfully ignorant and won't thank you one little bit for stirring things up.
Even though your trying to set her free. Or at least I think that's what your getting at.
The brother made a break for it, if the daughter was so inclined she probably could too.
Do not poke this hornets nest. It is only you who will get stung.
Besides what could you say?
"My 28year old friend let's her mother Control everything."

I totally agree with you that this is a weird weird situation, but I do not think any good can come of getting yourself involved.

Turn your focus inward, if you have the urge to help people,help those who want and need it.
Volunteer at a shelter.charity shop or something,.

Take care, all the best.

I'm not necessarily willing to do something about it, I know how it would go, but just wanted to know somebody else's opinion, thanks!

I've gone through something similar to your friend. My mother would basically lie about my "issues" to Doctors, had a bunch of pills shoved down my throat that I didn't need, and would use the mental health system to have me locked up against my will if I dared to defy her. I spent most of my childhood institutionalized and even spent some time in Juvie when I was 10 because of her antics. She also had me convinced that I was Autistic when I wasn't and told me that I would always need her to survive because I will never be able to do things on my own because of my "autism".

It took her death for me to finally be free of her and even now, I still struggle as an adult. I'm 25 and I still struggle to function in society. Doing simple things such as remembering to brush my teeth, doing housework, or cooking is a struggle for me let alone holding down a full time job or managing money. If it wasn't for a short term housing grant that is paying for my living expenses right now, I would be homeless.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know what your friend is going though and it will likely take something major like her mother dying or her being able to flee the state or something to free her and even then, she has a lifelong struggle ahead of her.

Sorry

Thanks for sharing your story! Well, she is very much worried about what will happen if her mother dies, she truly believes she won't survive without her mom. I guess she'll look for another person to cling to. I'm somehow mentally dependent on my parents too (even though I work full time, earn more than they do and can do many things for myself), but not to that point and it has different roots.And I'm very defensive and individualistic so I always fight back when someone is messing with my feeling of personal freedom and pushing me too hard. So lets say people like her mother are really creepy and off pulling for me.