Forgive and.....

I live with a family member for financial reasons so I can't move out right now. Yesterday I was in a back bedroom when everyone thought I was in my room.

The phone rang and the answering machine kicked in. I heard this family member and her fiancé talking and joking about me.

The sad thing is I wasn't entirely surprised. I can forgive but this has fundamentally changed my relationship with this person who is a narcissist and very manipulative on top of that.

I'm afraid I wasn't very professional or grown up. I told her she was a 2 faced *****. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

She was being two-faced. What was wrong with you telling her off for it? Did she at least apologize?

I guess you can say you appreciate her taking you in when you are in need, but since she feels so negatively about you, you'll be leaving asap.

No she didn't. She does this to everybody. I don't know why I thought being her daughter would make it any different for me. I will be leaving ASAP.

I'm sorry you have to go throught this. It was brave of you of telling him/her what you think of him/her right in his/her face (and don't worry about being "professional" or not; HE/SHE surely wasn't. )

My mother bad-mouths everybody, too. We're all used to it. We don't even get mad about that. It took me a long time to learn, she's just a contrarian. She will say one thing then turn around and say another. Learning that blew apart everything I ever knew. Here she told me life is one way, then I learn she says it's totally the other. Crazy-making!

I think both our mothers just really have a PD. That's the sad truth. We could just feel sorry for them.

You called her on something that she is. nothing wrong with confronting people and I wouldn't say it was rude or "unprofessional". Thing is their they're talking about you behind your back now just emphasizes the point that you weren't wrong in confronting her in the first place. ease up on yourself.

I hope you can get out soon.

You showed courage!

I appreciate everyone's support. I'm so disgusted about the whole thing that I can't bring myself to talk to her.

My grandmother used to do this about my mother, in front of me as a child.
I had running battles with her over the years as I watched my mother put herself through hell trying to get some recognition that what she had been put through was wrong.
My grandma never conceded,not even on her death bed.

My mother's mental health rapidly deteriorated after that.
She thought she would get the truth one day.

So I say call it like you see it, and protect yourself as soon as possible.

Haven't you known her to talk about others behind their backs, too?

People who do that, surely talk about you, too.

There's some kind of pathology to it. I don't understand it. Someone who's loving to your face, but mean behind your back.

I had heard her talk about her friends and fiancé but not her children. I guess that's why I wasn't entirely surprised. I don't particularly care for that personality trait of hers.

Ok so I decided to forgive but I can't forget. We talked it out and she apologized but I still feel anger towards her and it will take a long time to get back on an even keel if ever. Just have to work on getting out of here.

That's good. It's disappointing, but now you know what she's made of.

Lots of us say lots of things, when we feel we are not being overheard by the person we are dishing. Often it's not meant as strongly as it might sound. Your mother may feel quite embarrassed that you heard her.

So your relationship with her has fundamentally changed, even though you already knew she was narcissistic and manipulative? What was the basis for the relationship having been as good as it formerly was?

This incident might set the stage for the two of you to have an honest conversation. But no conversation will take place, if you feel this ends any possibility of there being affection between you two. Narcissistic is one adjective. Rarely does one adjective define a person. If your mom has some positive qualities, remind yourself of those before you cut her off. Then you might say somethink like, "I was disappointed to learn what you thought of me, if that is pretty much what you do think of mine.?" She might want to take it back.

Thank you Rose76. You made some excellent points. That has given me food for thought.

This is being two faced. What that person is dishing, IS what they really think of you. They are saying it behind your back. When it comes from your own mother, it is so much more hurtful than coming from some back-stabbing so-called friend.

I suppose you could have an honest conversation with her, "This is really what you think of me, Mom?"

Then when she denies it, you say "Then stop bad mouthing me behind my back."