[Andraste]

I'm writing this mainly to vent, but would love to read your words and insight if you have any you wish to share...

I find myself annoyed by most people at the moment, particularly most of those physically around me. I've experienced a similar feeling many times before, with different people, in different countries and places, but this time is a bit different... writing it out will surely help me make better sense of it, to you and myself.

I stopped having social contact with a lot of people, deactivated accounts everywhere, even went to the extend to get a new phone number to avoid most. I needed this the past year to be with myself and understand what was/is "wrong"... and just to function really, dealing with people was overwhelming at the time. So I ghosted almost everyone. It was in my plans to eventually kill myself, but thankfully I've been getting better and that is out of the table now—I did kill my old self metaphorically, I've just kept the seeds that I liked the most and I'm planting them now, nurturing them so I can be who I truly have the desire and potential to be... not to waste the Life and Gifts that the God(desse)s have given me. Etc.

So... in a sense I'm becoming renewed and a different person. I feel stronger. I know my path is changing.

In the phase I'm in at the moment, I'm trying to slowly reconnect... just to have a healthy lifestyle, not to push people away like I did before, to tear down walls and (re)build bridges (depending on the person).

I'm not yet ready to have a full social life again, in part because I'm still healing, and in part because I'm trying to start my Masters Thesis and finish my program.

I've had opportunities to talk again with old and not-so-old friends, small gatherings including acquaintances. I've taken all of them even if it mean anxiety of going out (which is not as bad as it was before, it's definitely manageable now even if it still happens in occasions).

I've been silent for so long, I've made several discoveries an affirmations about myself and my vision of the world. I'm excited, I want to tell this to someone and have a good conversation, listen to what others have to say, perhaps share their own stories face to face.

I try to connect with others gathering the courage to talk of my "mental illness", or parts of it anyway, or just my renewed and healthier interest in Life & Death, just to try and see if it sparks any interest and conversation.

Most people just seem awkward or even a bit fearful, or other forms/expressions of discomfort (forced smiles, crossed limbs, nervous laughter). I know their reactions might be partly because I was silencing myself more before, and now I'm speaking my thoughts more freely. And maybe because of the way I disappeared, maybe I hurt some of their egos? I don't know, or maybe now that they know I've been unstable they don't want any of that in their lives, maybe I'm too passionate? etc.

Sigh... I understand my interests (e.g., Romanticism, Occult, Esoteric, etc.) aren't shared by most people, just as well as I know I can be a little too macabre and melancholic for some, or not everyone feels like having deeper/complex discussions, particularly with other around. Etc. But it bores me to no end to just be scratching the surface, I want more, I need more. I want to tickle my brain, philosophize, fantasize, think of impossibles, talk about art, love, have my vision of beauty shared, etc. I don't mind talking of other more mundane topics as well, but when they are all that there is for hours, it bores me, it makes me annoyed... I feel like bowing and taking my leave, I feel I'm losing precious time and breath.

So that you get a better idea... It all can be sparked from a simple "How are you?" If I choose to answer honestly (even if I don't extend myself too much), I see the first sings of discomfort in some people, almost as if telling me "no, just say you're fine/good/well like everyone else, I don't want to listen to a story or something not-joyful, I don't want to know, I wasn't ready, the question it's a mere formality, etc." I also understand it's not easy to hear about "negative" emotions, or anything considered "negative," or "weird" really... but some of these people call themselves my 'friends'. I'm putting that title in question at the moment, but I'm fine with it, I'm fine if I have to move on.

I know it may be time to look for new friendships, groups of interest, people who 'naturally' will connect more and flow with me, people that I can grow more with instead of feeling stagnated and uninspired. Maybe as I flow in that directions, some of these people will come with me, or just remain an acquaintance. And that is alright too... but I will miss some of them, as I do now, as I've done since I had to leave.

It just bothers me so much, on days like today, I don't even feel like going back to edit the post, so forgive me if there's anything particularly confusing or badly written.

Yet, this too shall pass, and hope works as a warm light coming from within, helping me see better some of the dark corners in my mind, I'll give more weight to this hope today.

Anyway, I believe that's it for now... Thank you for staying with me up until this point, I truly appreciate it. ♥

[Skeezyks]

Best wishes for great success on your journey of discovery, Andraste.

Hey, I remember you since you once posted on one of my threads. I remember your deeply and positively supportive message.
I have to say I find you a deep person with a great inner world inside. You have my curiosity, I have to say. If you want to talk about life and death, I'd love to.

As for your situation, it generally seems to me like a natural path of self-growth people go through. As for people, what I found out in life is hobbies are short-term connectors. Long-term connectors however, are universal values such as expressing feelings, talking about what is painful, supportive each other as human beings, walking a path together...

That's all I have to say for now