[chris hurts]

I am curious as to how some of you may take this? Got this from my girlfriend.

Her child was having all their wisdom teeth removed. She called me at work to tell me when the appointment was the following week. "I'm gonna take Tuesday off and take her she said, should I take Wednesday off too?" I said yes, she will be in pain and if she needs someone there Thursday I will take off. As I said I was at work so I had to get off the phone kinda quick and said we will talk more tonight. A few minutes later I get a text that said,"no you don't have to worry about going with us Tuesday just go do something with your real family!!!!" I was at a loss. My real family? I had been living with her for 3 years and when she worked nights I was the one taking care of her child!!! How could she possibly even think that I didn't think of them as family?? This isn't the only text I have gotten like this over the relationship

[Trippin2.0]

I would take offense.

It is offensive, but if this is unusual from her, try to write if off to stress about her daughter.

[Rose76]

Sounds like she's looking for something to be mad about, and she's grasping at a straw. You very nicely offered to stay home with her daughter on Thursday. The daughter shouldn't require the both of you there on Tuesday. That would be making an overly big deal of this procedure. It is an ordeal, but this isn't brain surgery.

You could bring her dauhter a small gift on Tuesday eve - like, maybe, a small stuffed animal.

[TishaBuv]

Saying 'your real family' definitely shows she's passive/aggressive angry about you maybe acting like they are not your priority. It doesn't make sense, since you showed concern and even offered to stay with her daughter. I would just ask her what she meant and if she's angry.

[Cyclops5]

I would consider what HER situation was when she was sending the texts.

[Sunflower123]

I would communicate with her about it....it's so out in left field compared to what you actually offered to do. She said Tuesday....was she expecting you to go with them on the day she had the surgery?

[Rose76]

I don't believe this is really about the wisdom teeth, now that I think about it. That's a proxy complaint for something else that's bothering her.

Three years is a good solid amount of time to have been living together. The two of you now know each other about as good as you're going to. Is there a reason you haven't made a legally binding commitment to her (as in "marriage")? If she gives any indication of wanting to be married, and you are not responding with much enthusiasm, then that's the issue between you two right there. After 3 years, I would say it's time to formalise the commitment, or else realize that you're hanging back, and she has every right to resent that.

[~Christina]

I would be furious .... then very sad.

Yes have a talk with her.

[Bill3]

This isn't the only text I have gotten like this over the relationship

What do you think that she is getting at?

[Travelinglady]

Hello, chris hurts, and welcome to Psych Central! I'd certainly wonder what she is mad about. Has she ever indicated that you take your work too seriously, or you care about your work more than her? Could she be seeing your "work" as "your family"? I know in some countries work takes precedent and is seen as a family. Japan, historically, comes to mind.

[Artchic528]

I honestly feel that the stress from having her daughter undergo a surgical procedure, albeit a minor one, has her a bit on edge and dredging up some negative feelings about other things she's having trouble dealing with.

Another member in this thread brought up the idea that she may be harboring resentment toward complacency in the marriage and it not progressing to a place where she is happy with it, aka marriage. This might be a possibility, but there may be another reason that she's angry seemingly out of nowhere.

Ask her if she's okay and if there's anything you can do to make her feel better. Open and honest communication is key to managing a healthy relationship.

[Crazy Hitch]

Something triggered a nerve, and I think it has nothing to do with the wisdom tooth to be honest.

I think she has some much deeper feelings that she needs to get off her chest.

[Trippin2.0]

After reading your other thread about her generally shytti behavior and her cheating on you more than once, I stand by my original statement.

I would take it with offence.

Even if she has issues (some of us have more issues than GQ magazine) doesn't give us a free pass at treating other badly and intentionally making other people feel like shyt.

I think an honest talk and a plan for the way forward (whether that be committing to better more open and honest communication or professional intervention is long overdue.

[Bill3]

Based on your other thread, I would see this comment as another in a long line of comments/behaviours strongly indicating that she has a mental illness such as BPD and that professional intervention (individual counseling, perhaps Dialectical Behavior Therapy) is in order.

To what extent might she be willing to seek help?

I think you need to sit down & talk about how her attitude has hurt you. Tell her that you are not a mind reader & do not possess a crystal ball. She's clearly projecting her anger on to you, so something is bothering her! I feel your text was both supportive & in no way dismissive. She is behaving in a passive aggressive way & you don't deserve to be hurt in such a way. Good luck. xXx

I wouldn't take offence. It sounds to me like she was trying to lighten her situation.

Something to keep in mind. Texting is cold and impersonal. It lacks the context that a real discussion would have. It lacks the tone and inflection of voice that a phone call would have. This tone of voice would have better communicated her meaning. Had this conversation occurred in a setting where you would have heard her voice you might have found no reason to take offence.

[s4ndm4n2006]

I dont' know what she was specifically referring to here with regards to your real family as she put it. And without knowing if something else has been going on long term it's hard to say. Clearly it was off the cuff and she was reacting to something but only you can know what that possibly could be.

Do you have an ex, other children, etc that you have to remain in contact with? The only thing I can see this as referring to is that she feels as though you're playing at being a family and she feels in competition with that. It may be something that she feels a lot of the time and in this emotional moment (thinking about the well being of her child) she may have just blurted that out without thinking.

all conjecture of course as I don't know the real details, I'm only assuming what it seems to mean.

Whether people take this as an offensive statement or not, the reality is that it's a sign that something that you were unaware of here is going on.

[healingme4me]

I'd feel like it was baiting for an argument. You offered Thursday, where she was taking Tuesday and Wednesday. Common sense dictates that last minute time off from work needs to be reasonable, as it can affect employment.

Maybe she's not feeling connected as a family/couple, at the same time, it's not for you to read minds nor for you to cure inner turmoil.

[note: I haven't read your other thread that I see mentioned on this thread]

Originally Posted by chris hurts

I am curious as to how some of you may take this? Got this from my girlfriend.

Her child was having all their wisdom teeth removed. She called me at work to tell me when the appointment was the following week. "I'm gonna take Tuesday off and take her she said, should I take Wednesday off too?" I said yes, she will be in pain and if she needs someone there Thursday I will take off. As I said I was at work so I had to get off the phone kinda quick and said we will talk more tonight. A few minutes later I get a text that said,"no you don't have to worry about going with us Tuesday just go do something with your real family!!!!" I was at a loss. My real family? I had been living with her for 3 years and when she worked nights I was the one taking care of her child!!! How could she possibly even think that I didn't think of them as family?? This isn't the only text I have gotten like this over the relationship

Hmm... if you're working completely opposing hours then there's probably been a problem in maintaining your relationship well, hence she feels distant by thinking you're not that close. It's no wonder, though at no one's fault. It's just the situation. I would try and find more time to spend together and work on your emotional bond better.

[wolfgaze]

Psychologically speaking, sometimes when individuals are experiencing a disturbed mental/emotional state they will lash out and say things that they don't truly (deep down) believe and feel... I guess an appropriate analogy would be instances of toddlers having temper tantrums and telling their parents that they don't love them or that they 'hate' them... I'm not likening your girlfriend to a toddler here (lol), but just illustrating a point. It's possible that your girlfriend in that moment/instance acted in a manner that is not in alignment with her true feelings. It's also possible that she felt hurt (right or wrong and for whatever reason) and unconsciously reacted in a manner that would serve to 'get back you' in some regard. Maybe should even could have direct misplaced anger/frustration at you but which is really rooted in other areas of her life that you are not responsible for.

I don't know your girlfriend personally so I cannot say she is experiencing... That being said, you should find a means to speak with her about this so you can become more aware of what she truly thinks & feels regarding this sensitive subject matter. A single text message comment is simply not enough for you to utilize as evidence of her longterm or ongoing mindset & feelings...