[Littlemeinsweden]

Hi everyone, I'm new here.

So I've been together with my boyfriend for about six months and we now live together. I'm in my late twenties he's in his 30's. We're both master students at a university in Sweden, he's from Southern Europe and I myself is Swedish. He loves the country and the town we're living in, I don't like the city but I'm fine being here until we both find jobs after our studies. (He had lived in Sweden since 3 years before we met).

My problem is that I feel so insecure and like I'm standing in his way when he expresses he needs space. He expresses his need of space by becoming silent, annoyed, grumpy and by saying "I feel weird" or "I feel strange".

He's a guy that needs his own time and I know that, but he's not taking his own space as in (going to the gym, meeting friends frequently etc.). We're both at home quite a lot as we seldom have classes instead mostly home studies.

I recently declined two jobs in another city to stay here with him, I'm not really happy with my studies here and our economy is strained. Anyway, we felt it was more important to prioritize our relationship and making the relocation later together.

Our relationship started out a bit tricky, I was depressed when we met and I first decided to end our dating for that reason. Then he reached out and said he didn't care I struggled with depression and we gave us another chance. Another thing that made me doubt that we were going to work was that he was bff with his ex when we met, I tried to meet her and be open to this arrangement but it felt too difficult to me as my previous boyfriend cheated on me with his ex. He ended the friendship with his ex and then it has gone well despite from his frequent "blurry" expressions of needing space. He says he's happy with us, I've met his family and I'm now friend with his friends.

Is his way of expressing need for space "normal"/common and just about space?

Don't know if I was clear enough here. Any input or questions you could give me about this situation would be very helpful.

Hugs to you all
Littleme

[MickeyCheeky]

Are you sure that's what he means when he behaves like that? He has never actually said anything about it, right? So perhaps you're just assuming?

Also, what do you think he means when he needs space? Perhaps you should talk about this with him..

[Littlemeinsweden]

Thanks for the quick reply MickeyCheeky❤.

When we talked about it he explained how this "grumpy and inward" behaviour is his way of expressing a need for space. But I don't quite understand why he sometimes in these moments of his says "I feel weird" or "I don't know what's wrong". Maybe I should ask him specifically about this...

When he requests space, I'm thinking he wants to be alone in our shared home. I've offered to study and write elsewhere, be more away from home etc. But then he says "you shouldn't have to". My suggestions are completely sincere, If I can help him by giving more space I'll be glad to.

[metalchick]

It sounds like you are the one wjo needs space...you are unhappy with living in the city and money is tight. Were you interested in taking the job offers? Sound like you are resenting the relationship for these reasons...

[Bill3]

It sounds like a nub of the problem is that while he says he needs more space, he does not act that way. Because of that, one might wonder whether what he needs is space from you.

What do you think? How attentive, affectionate, sexually interested, do you find him as compared to, say, three months ago?

[Littlemeinsweden]

Thank you all for your time. Means a lot to me❤.
You don't even know me, still you provide support. #thereshopeforthisplanet.

He acts like he needs space and says it's not that he's doubting us.

I think the first hormone filled months are behind us. As compared to three months ago I'd say he's more stressed. But the intimacy is still there.

I need space from ambivalent expressions. Had enough of that in previous relationships. Talked to him and asked him to be more specific when he's feeling low/in need of space, instead of just saying "I feel weird" or "I don't know what's wrong". He knew this time as often. He says he feels stressed about his professional life and that he's not having so much fun because university takes all his time (and money).

I would've taken one of those jobs for the money, sure. But I wasn't exited about them. I feel bad as I worry he want his old life back, the life he had before me. Less planning and pressure being single. No one you gotta ask before making plans.

The first thing that came in my mind is depression.
Needing space yet leaving that "space" void of activities sounds like depression.

[Littlemeinsweden]

You're really right Vibrating Obsidian. I believe he's depressed.

I'm just thinking he might be happier without me. Being able to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. Just getting this total freedom feeling back.

Originally Posted by Littlemeinsweden

You're really right Vibrating Obsidian. I believe he's depressed.

I'm just thinking he might be happier without me. Being able to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. Just getting this total freedom feeling back.

Not quite true. Depression can have an effect on feelings towards others. He's withdrawing from people because he's depressed. You did the right thing being there for him.
I would try to understand what happened that causes him to need space. It also sounds like he's kinda talking to himself, he's clearly saying that he's unwell, as you said. I'd also primarily encourage therapy so he can sort out his feelings better, to help his possible depression

[Littlemeinsweden]

He doesn't reach out to people as much as when I met him six months ago. Says he doesn't really have any close friends left in this town. One of his close classmates left Sweden four months ago, he broke contact with the bf and ex girlfriend three months ago. And he ended a childhood friendship that made him suffer (the friend might well function within the autistic spectrum and can be very cold and non-reciprocal. Therefore my boyfriend diminished the contact. He had no energy left for the friendship.) Now he has many other friends. Just not as close as the ones mentioned.

He doesn't want to see a psychologist.

Originally Posted by Littlemeinsweden

He doesn't reach out to people as much as when I met him six months ago. Says he doesn't really have any close friends left in this town. One of his close classmates left Sweden four months ago, he broke contact with the bf and ex girlfriend three months ago. And he ended a childhood friendship that made him suffer (the friend might well function within the autistic spectrum and can be very cold and non-reciprocal. Therefore my boyfriend diminished the contact. He had no energy left for the friendship.) Now he has many other friends. Just not as close as the ones mentioned.

He doesn't want to see a psychologist.

The "no energy left" is much clearly a sign of depressing brain activity. It sounds like he's been through some great burdens.
Sometimes when we make decisions we're not fully in touch enough with our feelings to know how such actions will impact us.

Why does he not want to see a psychologist? There are many reasons people choose not to go to a psychologist

[Littlemeinsweden]

"No energy left" was specifically related to the demanding friendship with his friend, a friend that is not capable of apreciation among other things.

You're right Vibrating Obsidian, depression might make us take decisions we're not fully equipped for. Been there.

He doesn't want to see a psychologist because of the drug lobby, waiting lines and due to the perspectives commonly applied. He needs friends, not shrinks I think.

[Rose76]

The two of you made a mistake. He now realizes it, but you don't. It is a mistake for two people to start living together when they've not known each other more than six months.

The two of you met and became enamoured. So far, so good. The normal, healthy, sensible thing to do would have been to continue seeing each other and see what happens. Then over the course of about another year you would have had some fun, gotten in some fights and - possibly - begun to fall in love. Then after another 6 months, or so, you could have talked about committing to each other.

But you guys jumped the gun. You were each lonely and decided to latch on to a quick fix. Sadly you robbed yourselves of the very important experience of falling in love naturally and at an unrushed pace . . . of making a committment when it was clear you both wanted to be stuck with each other for the long haul, despite having gotten to really know each other - faults, virtues and all.

He now, very sensibly, realizes he jumped into something prematurely. You're so thrilled to be nesting with a man that you see nothing amiss in how all this came down. "I need a man. He turns me on. I'll grab him now and get to know him later." Bad plan. Of course you feel insecure. Nothing about this 6 month whirlwind affair can produce security. Falling in love securely takes time. That's why they invented "courtship." The word may sound old-fashioned, but it's a darn good way to do things.

You cheated yourself, and I'm sorry. With all the care you're taking to educate yourself and prepare for a good life, you had a right to expect to find a good person, fall in love and make plans together.

It's not all on you, though you are the person responsible for securing your happiness. Your boyfriend is far from home and family, and that gets pretty dreary when a guy is past age 30. Where the two of you live, was that your apartment and he moved in . . . or vice versa?

The idea that you can fix this by exiting the house or apartment for a few hours, or a day, or more, to give him space is - quite frankly - nuts. The space he needs is not square footage with you out of it. He realizes now that he more or less got married without hardly intending to. You could leave town for a week, but he is still living with you.

This is hard to retro-actively fix. But maybe you can. You have to let go of him. Encourage him to move out (if this was originally your apartment.) (Or you move out, if this was originally his place.) Yes, you risk losing him, but you're losing him now anyway. You have him, but not in the way you want. So rewind the tape and go back to each of you living in your own space. Then date. Do things right how you should have done in the first place. Maybe you two will actually fall in love. Give yourselves the gift of letting that happen, by taking the chance that it may not.

[mugwort2]

If he truly cares for you if both of you go your separate ways he'll come back to you and same for if you really cares for him If its meant to be it's going to be.

Originally Posted by Littlemeinsweden

"No energy left" was specifically related to the demanding friendship with his friend, a friend that is not capable of apreciation among other things.

You're right Vibrating Obsidian, depression might make us take decisions we're not fully equipped for. Been there.

He doesn't want to see a psychologist because of the drug lobby, waiting lines and due to the perspectives commonly applied. He needs friends, not shrinks I think.

Shrinks is a slang name specifically for psychiatrists, not psychologists.
Having depression does not necessarily mean anti-depressants. I'm all up for green psychiatry, where AD's are a last resort.
Friends and loved ones are important for support through difficult times. But as it seems many of his close people have gone, and it's quite a burden which can cause withdrawal from life.

It's good that you've been through depression, since you can use your experience as reflection to his condition. You are there for him and you are the one who can help him most because you love him

Besides therapy I can recommend natural remedies. One is Stabillium 200. Those are fish-based tablets, with the intent to ease mental struggles, mostly stress. But it's worth a try, and it's completely harmless.
Another remedy is St. John's Wort. It's great for mild-moderate AD and it's also natural (made from St. John's Wort, an Australian flower). It's been used as an AD for hundreds of years.
I'm using both of them right now.

Not that it matters, but whenever a guy I'm dating has told me "I need space," that's usually his passive-aggressive, indirect way of breaking up with me. It feels manipulative to me whenever I hear that phrase, because my response always has been, "if you want to break up with me, just do it already. Say you want to end the relationship."

Have you asked your boyfriend if he wants to end the relationship? Just be direct. See how he reacts. He's not being honest with you either, by telling you that he needs space. You don't need space from someone you are in love with, if you two already have healthy, established boundaries (your own friends, your own hobbies, your own nights out without each other). So, that's why I call "b.s." on his "I need space" excuse.