[rukspc]

I met a wonderful guy through mutual friends over a year and a half ago. We began talking 5 months ago, but went on two dates together in the last couple of weeks. We've hung out together with friends and we just click so well. So far, everything has been so wonderful, it's so easy to open up to him, I'm not scared to be myself AND he actually calls (!). We can talk for hours on the phone and the times we are together in person are better. I believe we have strong compatibility, the same values and ways of thinking. He is sweet, witty, funny, kind and smart. He's also someone I did not expect to date at all because I was getting over someone else at the time we met.

Aside from all of this, I have one reservation.. I am not sure about how I feel about dating someone who is the same race as me. We are both Southeast Asian but different ethnicities (does that make sense?) I have only ever dated White, Latino/Hispanic or mixed-race men in the past because I always had a reason for never dating an Asian guy and never really had an attraction. Well, things have shifted.. and I have been thinking about us and how we got this far.

All my life, my mother scoffed at the idea of me dating or marrying someone Asian because of the horrible experiences she went through with my father (i.e. physically and verbally abusive). She doesn't want the same thing to happen to me and makes fun of me for it. I've thought about her comments a lot and it's kind of clouded my judgement that I'm coming off as prejudice for no reason other than him being from that specific ethnic group. I'm also easily influenced and I don't want that to get in the way if we end up becoming exclusive partners. There are preconceived notions about his ethnic group. For instance, they are dirty, loud and their culture is complicated (whatever that means?). For me, I see him as a person and someone who truly cares and makes an effort to be in my life. I haven't had that in a really long time. It almost seems unreal. I really like him, but I don't want to have these negative thoughts dictate my real feelings. What should I do?

I personally don't think race matters at all, but that is for you to decide. From what you've posted, it sounds like you don't care either and are just concerned about what your mother thinks and how her thinking has influenced you.

I am in a mixed race relationship at the moment and couldn't be happier. It doesn't matter the race, but rather how you feel about him as a person.

[TheDragon]

Originally Posted by rukspc

I met a wonderful guy through mutual friends over a year and a half ago. We began talking 5 months ago, but went on two dates together in the last couple of weeks. We've hung out together with friends and we just click so well. So far, everything has been so wonderful, it's so easy to open up to him, I'm not scared to be myself AND he actually calls (!). We can talk for hours on the phone and the times we are together in person are better. I believe we have strong compatibility, the same values and ways of thinking. He is sweet, witty, funny, kind and smart. He's also someone I did not expect to date at all because I was getting over someone else at the time we met.

Aside from all of this, I have one reservation.. I am not sure about how I feel about dating someone who is the same race as me. We are both Southeast Asian but different ethnicities (does that make sense?) I have only ever dated White, Latino/Hispanic or mixed-race men in the past because I always had a reason for never dating an Asian guy and never really had an attraction. Well, things have shifted.. and I have been thinking about us and how we got this far.

All my life, my mother scoffed at the idea of me dating or marrying someone Asian because of the horrible experiences she went through with my father (i.e. physically and verbally abusive). She doesn't want the same thing to happen to me and makes fun of me for it. I've thought about her comments a lot and it's kind of clouded my judgement that I'm coming off as prejudice for no reason other than him being from that specific ethnic group. I'm also easily influenced and I don't want that to get in the way if we end up becoming exclusive partners. There are preconceived notions about his ethnic group. For instance, they are dirty, loud and their culture is complicated (whatever that means?). For me, I see him as a person and someone who truly cares and makes an effort to be in my life. I haven't had that in a really long time. It almost seems unreal. I really like him, but I don't want to have these negative thoughts dictate my real feelings. What should I do?

Short answer? No, it shouldn't matter at all who you date regardless of ethnicity. However, as someone coming from an Asian background as well, I understand how much family can influence these matters and how much their opinion matters.

Can I ask which ethnicities you are?

It sounds like you're very attracted to this person, but your mother's biases are definitely coming off strong. Something I might do would be to make a list of things I thought about said partner, and then things that your mother (but not you) think about him and try to sort of what you think and what your mother thinks, so you have a clearer picture of the situation and your own thoughts and feelings.

[Sunflower123]

He sounds like a good, quality guy who cares for you and treats you well. You also care for him. Ethnicity doesn't matter. Go for it. Good luck with your new relationship.

[winter4me]

I think you answered your own question.

[Trippin2.0]

Best for whom? Is my question...

Your mother?.... Yes.

For you?

You know the answer to that one.

Trust yourself.

[rukspc]

Originally Posted by TheDragon

Short answer? No, it shouldn't matter at all who you date regardless of ethnicity. However, as someone coming from an Asian background as well, I understand how much family can influence these matters and how much their opinion matters.

Can I ask which ethnicities you are?

It sounds like you're very attracted to this person, but your mother's biases are definitely coming off strong. Something I might do would be to make a list of things I thought about said partner, and then things that your mother (but not you) think about him and try to sort of what you think and what your mother thinks, so you have a clearer picture of the situation and your own thoughts and feelings.

@thedragon I am Thai and Lao. Thanks for the advice. I'll give it a shot.

Frankly it ought not to matter.

[MariaTheFictionkin]

I don't believe ethnicity matters, date whoever you want. When it comes to dating people though, I prefer to date someone outside my race. Not that I personally hate my race just...it's more of an preference thing.

I'm Black/African-American if people were curious.

[eskielover]

Compatibility is the most important thing, common interests, common values & even if people don't agree, common religious beliefs are important maybe not at the moment but over the long run.

My mom really liked the guy I was dating & was thinking about getting married to. She said he's NICE. Only problem was the more I got to know him there were personality issues that came up as RED FLAGS to me....I allowed mom's opinion to override my red flags then I rationalized MY red flags away & went through with the marriage. BIG MISTAKE!!!!

The POINT here, though my example is the opposite of yours....It is important for YOU to hold onto your own feelings about the relationship & how YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM. Don't let mom convince you of something that isn't YOUR OWN FEELINGS or you will regret it in the long run

[rukspc]

Originally Posted by ComplexGirl99

I don't believe ethnicity matters, date whoever you want. When it comes to dating people though, I prefer to date someone outside my race. Not that I personally hate my race just...it's more of an preference thing.

I'm Black/African-American if people were curious.

Thanks!! I've always dated outside my race but he just.. He's awesome and I really like him. I'm thinking too much into it.

[Lolina]

Originally Posted by MariaTheFictionkin

I don't believe ethnicity matters, date whoever you want. When it comes to dating people though, I prefer to date someone outside my race. Not that I personally hate my race just...it's more of an preference thing.

I'm Black/African-American if people were curious.

Really? I do find black and mixed guys very sexy for most of them: tall with muscle and a tan skin. I am completely turn on by them above all when they are from the Caribbean or African American.

May I know why? Is it a question of attitude or physical appearance?

To go back to the subject: I would advise to follow your instinct and to observe well this man and learn to know him. Take your time to meet his family and see how he reacts in different circumstances. If you feel good it's the only thing that matter.