[Marielle]

Background: My ex and I broke up a few months ago after many years together. It was sudden and painful. After that, we had lunch once, and other than that, we exchanged keys, slept together once that night, and then just sent a text here and there, or had a call once a week or so.

He has since entered into what looks like a rebound relationship. It started two weeks after he dropped off my keys. After seeing a photo of them together, it's pretty obvious she's more into him than he is into her. The body language in the photo says it all. Last time he and I spoke, he admitted that he still had feelings for me, and loves me. But also, I got it out of him that he and his GF had only recently slept together. (I guess they waited a couple of weeks.)

I'm disappointed in him. When he began dating me he was a good 7 months out of a 2.5-year relationship, and whole. This rebound started only 2.5 months after nearly 7 years with me. I did tell him (for the sisterhood) that it's actually a pretty lousy thing to start up with someone new and have sex with them while you still have feelings for someone else. Someone did that to me once a long time ago, and I remember how it felt, and I couldn't do that to someone else now. It's basically using the new person to hide from your own pain. She knows he is fresh out of a long relationship, and she chooses to get involved, so if she gets hurt, it's her fault as much as his, and, yes, that's their own mess that they are creating and none of my business. Only reason I pressed him to know is because I was wondering if he had slept with her before he dropped off my keys and if I needed to go get tested. Also, if they are sleeping together, in his way of doing things, that makes them BF/GF, and I would know there would be no way we'd get back together.

Issue: My issue is that I am, quite literally, physically nauseated by the mere thought of him. But here is the catch: I'm not sickened by the thought of him with her. A lot of people torture themselves with images of their exes with the new person, and go a little bit off the deep end like Tom Cruise in Eyes Wide Shut.

This isn't that. I'm sickened by my memories of what I did with him. Once he said he slept with her, it was like flipping a switch. It was like he became contaminated to me. I used to greatly enjoy sex with him. I loved his body, loved touching him, loved our chemistry, knew every inch of his skin and topography. And now? Any thought of touching him, kissing him, looking at his body, or doing anything with him gives me that drooling feeling you get right before you puke, and I have to get up and drink some Diet Dr. Pepper to settle my stomach.

I've never experienced this before. I've fallen out of love with people, lost my attraction to people, and lost interest in having sex with them, but I've never left a relationship feeling grossed out. Heck, when my ex-husband met someone, I was happy for him! I've never gone from finding someone attractive to being repulsed by him in such a complete 180. Maybe it's because I lost so much respect for him with the way he is using this girl that my physical feelings for him mirror my emotional ones?

I know the pat answer is "just don't think of him," but that's not exactly practical or realistic when I'm doing things like clearing out his old messages, getting rid of things he has given me, or just out and about and see something that reminds me of him.

Has anyone ever been through something like that? If so, how did you stop it?

As much as I don't mind dropping a few pounds (I'm trying to lose 15), I'd rather do it a better way!

Thanks for any gentle, nonjudgmental insights you can provide. This is really befuddling to me.

[Rose3]

Maybe time will help, along with your reflections and moving on?
As for your feeling nauseated - this in a way reminds me of some of my reactions to an acquaintance (I've never mentioned this to anyone, and not to my friend either) - but for quite a while - when we would go out for a meal to the nicest spots in town, then towards the end of our meal I would feel nauseated (unexpectedly) - so I would excuse myself - head to the ladies washroom - and throw up. This has happened too many times (only when I've been with this person) - and I am thinking it's got something to do with the tension that I must have felt when with this person (or maybe there has been something about the person that was bothering me, or else maybe I found myself feeling uncomfortable/awkward in a peculiar situation?). Not sure. Things have improved somewhat when I'm around this friend, thankfully. It might be my thoughts that contributed to my physical nausea?
Hope that you find a way to get beyond this.

[PeachCream22]

I'm not sure HOW to get rid of these nauseated thoughts, but if it makes you feel any better, I also felt somewhat the same with my ex. We went to the same school together, and I since the break up it was all awkward passing by around the hallways and avoidance, and during the millions of unsuccessful "trying to make up" sessions we always touched each other, like a handshake, or a hand holding, leaning on each others shoulders, nothing more. I often got nauseated thinking about it, I felt "contaminated" too, not just touching, but even BEING in the same class with him, BEING in the same school with him, and there was this room in school I always hung out myself alone to cry it out during my free periods, and when he started hanging out there, I literally felt like sanitizing the room and a part of me was taken away. Do you feel something similar?

Anyway, from my experience (from what I understand myself), what I have attributed to this "nausea" is what they call association. For example, the room in which I associate my crying, my "let it go" sessions, my emotions, a safe haven, and suddenly my ex hangs out in that room, it just somehow breaches an unspoken boundary. Whenever he touches me, it felt like "get off me, I don't want you here." It is the pain and grief of him being there that made me sick to the stomach, basically emotional pain (or trauma, whatever you'd like to call it) that he is not aware of, and yet hurts me without realising it. (the hurting = the nausea) The more he does what he does, the more sickened I feel. I have puked before because of this as well. I'm also clearing out his stuff.

How to stop it? Well, I don't have any surefire methods, BUT I DID stop. I basically deleted everything about him and cut off all contact. Perhaps only time can heal this feeling. That was my way of doing it, basically how you'd get over an ex. I'd be lying if I say I still don't think about him, and that it's like a broken bone that has healed, but sometimes the healed part throbs, and hurts.

Hope this has helped. I apologize if it wasn't and that I didn't seem to have fully understood what you meant.

[Marielle]

Thank you Rose, Peach. It probably is some kind of an association thing.

I noticed that a lot of it depends on how much sleep I get the night before, and if it was quality sleep. Doc has me on Ativan, 1 mg at night. Five nights to start, with a scrip for 15 if I need it. I hope I don't need it, but it's nice to know it will be there in case I do. Not for nothing, but I'd been complaining to her about my sleep issues for years, and the best she could come up with was Sonata, as Ambien scares me, or melatonin, which makes me dizzy and light-headed. So I've been getting by with Benadryl, but that was not enough.

Finally I just told her what my old internist had me do with some leftover Ativan from major back spasms: One per night, three nights in a row, see how you feel after you are rested.

The nausea isn't so bad if I'm rested, so I'm glad my doctor finally heard me.

Maybe some of this nausea is me turning it on myself for not having seen the kind of man he really is. He always seemed stronger and smarter, and maybe he thinks he is being strong and smart. But hiding from pain and trying to distract yourself from it pretty much always comes back to bite you in the butt later.

Ah, well, no sense thinking about it right now. Too much work to do, and it's a nice day to take a walk on my break.

Thanks again.

[Taratarzan]

I'm currently going through the exact same thing and I don't know what to do.

Me and my ex broke up 7 months ago. It was a sudden thing, he left me after 3 years. We didn't speak at all afterwards. I heard rumours he went round and told people I cheated on him which is why we broke up but that wasn't true. He left me because he said he didn't feel a spark anymore. I though he left me because he didn't want a girlfriend anymore. Anyway we didn't talk, I removed him on social media because he was being tagged in posts by a girl and it made me feel uncomfortable. My ex is a shy boy. He doesn't talk to girls, he is happy to sit behind a computer and play games all day by himself and I didn't mind that. I loved him for who he was.
7 months later I find out he has a new girlfriend and they have gone on holiday together - to the same place he took me on our first holiday. We were officially together in April and we went in October. Now how long have they been together for him to take her on holiday so soon. He got with her so soon after me. He told me he wouldn't be with anyone for a year because he was going to find it hard to get over me but here we are. I haven't been with anyone since. I can't do it. I cringe or feel sick. Anyway I thought I would do the mature thing and text him telling him I was happy for him even though I wasn't because I want to move on. He gave the shortest reply ever but it doesn't matter because he obviously didn't care that much about me to move on so fast.
It's been 4 days since I've found out. I haven't eaten. I keep throwing up. I'm nausea, I'm tired, stressed and it is because I can't stop thinking about how quickly he replaced me. I just feel like I didn't mean anything to him and he meant the world to me.
I want to move on. I want to stop feeling ill and get on with my life.

Please help.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you are having a tough time. It just seems like the new relationship plays into it somehow. Get rid of his stuff, messages, etc as quickly as you can. Do you have to cross paths with him? Time does heal a lot. I know that doesn't sound good right now but it does. Keep yourself busy and distracted from thoughts of him. When thoughts come...let them. They will eventually dissipate. You know how they say don't think of a pink elephant. Same here. Best wishes on healing.

[Sunflower123]

It's been 4 days since I've found out. I haven't eaten. I keep throwing up. I'm nausea, I'm tired, stressed and it is because I can't stop thinking about how quickly he replaced me. I just feel like I didn't mean anything to him and he meant the world to me.
I want to move on. I want to stop feeling ill and get on with my life.

It's going to take more than four days to get back on your feet after what you just found out. Please be gentle and compassionate with yourself as you go through this healing process. I know it hurts...it will take time. Stay busy if you can and when thoughts come let them. You need to process this...not hold it in. I hope you heal quickly and get back on your feet soon.