[JP101]

I'm so hoping there's a psychiatrist in this thread. Let me start by sharing I'm 40 married female. I have 3 children by birth. The oldest 2 are 18 and 20. My mother has totally turned the tables on me convincing my children that I am the narcissistic one and I reacted poorly to say the least and let my emotion control my reactions. I've cried more than I can tell you. I feel like I've fought to keep custody of my children their whole lives. I figured out 3 years ago that it was another of her stems that she used to control me by threatening me with her power and to lie to my psychologist I had at the time and until 3 years ago I was terrified to defy her. When I finally figured out what was going on, OMG I felt guilt. My entire children's lives I had no idea that everyone didn't yell when they were angry. I seriously thought that was a normal reaction to anger. I got the rest of what they did to me was wrong, especially the physical abuse. And I happened to speak to an attorney about this who told me that my mother couldn't take my kids because they were old enough to decide for themselves where they wanted to live. Well I apologized to my children and told them I had been wrong to yell and didn't know it was abusive. So my mother has been buying them. I made the decision to let them see her because I didn't want them to resent me for keeping them from her. I found out behind my back she has been talking about me horribly to them their entire lives and asking them don't you want to come live with me. She turns every single thing I do no matter what it is and tells them how horrible that was and that was abusive even when it isn't even close. Nothing I've ever done was right or good enough. She's yelled at me, called me names, cursed me out and everything in between belittling me in front of them. Both of them moved in with her when they were 17. I fell in the trap and reacted crazily just like she told them I would. She told them before (I heard her and totally got the point) that any mother that cries in front of their kids is horrible. She's also told me when they've done something that she'd be upset too and she would help me and stand behind me but I need to put a stop to xyz and when I did she would say I'll go get the kids for a couple days to give you time to cool down and then she would be their hero. Comforting them and telling them I was crazy and needed anger management and that I was paranoid, etc. She even got them to lock their doors like I was going to loose it and actually hurt them. My 18 year old has probably been popped on her butt twice in her life. I wouldn't hurt them. I told her that. Now they won't even respond to my texts and I'm not even sure if they still have those phones or if my mom does. If I have no way to contact them other than going to her house, how do I heal? How do I cut her off? I'm a friggin wreck and have NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. But I'm feeling desperate, and I know that's emotional. I'm very very depressed. I don't even get dressed most days. I hide my thoughts in my work and it's everything I can do just to put one foot in front of the other most of the time. On top of this I'm dealing with my husband's 2 stepsons living with us. One is psycho and I hate him. I know that is bad but I literally hate him. That's a whole different story but they are on vacation at their mom's and I hope they stay there. I even hate their dogs. Ugh I think I just can't handle both things at once. It's too dang much.

[treevoice]

I'm not a psychiatrist, but I am a child who was raised by a difficult parent. I wish I could say that your mother is entirely in the wrong, but I doubt your children would be going along with her if they didn't have some direct experiences that would lead them to believe her. I think rather than attacking your mother and trying to seperate her from your children, maybe you should take advantage of this space to work on yourself. As a kid, I never questioned that my parent loved me very much, but when he was angry he truly frightened me (he never hit us, but he would yell/sulk/etc) and I felt like I needed to escape. Once I got out on my own for some time and started to get a better perspective on things, I learned that my father was only human and was doing the best he could in a very difficult situation to take care of me and my sibling. When I left his home, I thought I'd never be going back, but now we are closer than ever. It's hard for kids to give you that kind of human compassion when they are in the thick of things. Show them that you hear their concerns by respecting their wishes and working on yourself. That might mean addressing your depression, showing that you can take care of yourself, and becoming more compassionate toward your step children. Kids feel all your emotions whether they understand them or not and I'm sure that the hate your feeling toward your stepson is tangible and hurting your case. You don't need to listen to your mother's abuse, but also don't feed into it by going off the deep end, lashing out, and proving her right. Even if fixing that means checking yourself into a facility for treatment, I think that your children are worth the effort and they will see you trying. Based on how your mother is acting now, it sounds like you probably had a hard upbringing yourself and were only doing the best you knew how. Take a deep breath - you have time to work this out the right way that is healing for all of you.