How to handle lies & morality issue from 'friend'?

I am perplexed how you think I am judging another man over what happened to me... I only revealed that very personal thing so you readers would understand WHY older men fancying very young women trigger me so much. If a woman is triggered, obviously she will act/feel a certain way wont she?

I think it's important to note that it's HIS house and you are living in his house and not as his wife or a partner.

So yes its his business who he sees or sleeps with. And he is correct that you need to bug off his personal life. He also isn't obligated to admit anything and has rights to deny seeing prostitutes or dating younger women. It's strictly personal private matter and no one needs to be admitting to this to other people.

You seem to continue insisting that he must provide full disclosure to you. But he absolutely doesn't.

There is a big difference between feeling and acting on ones feelings. Being triggered by something from the past doesn't justify violating privacy of people in your present or place unrealistic demands on them.

This man isn't your romantic partner so him seeing younger women has nothing to do with you. You might feel triggered and upset but you can't demand anything of him. If it Trigers you it's better to move out to a more peaceful environment

Divine1966,

No I would not be insistent on knowing what a female housemate was doing but would like her to tell me if she wanted to, as a sharing thing, females usually like to share/talk about their experiences with dating.

Why is it different because my housemate is male?
I'm not sure other than because I knew from all the signs (my intuition, late night texts/calls, him staying out late, seeing him at hotel then phone proof), that he was lying to me and as I keep saying, Lying - therefore disrespect- is unacceptable in my view.
But I do see his side as well due to all of you rushing to his defence... As we are not a couple, what he does is his business. I get that. Maybe deep down I am disappointed that he is 'getting some' and I'm not haha.

I do genuinely care about him and it is NOT because he is helping me out financially as some of you think. I sincerely hope him & I can stay in touch by text or email long after I move on, & I hope for him that one day he meets a woman (yes near his own age) that he will develop a relationship with and go do extensive travelling with, like he says he wants.

As far as me so called "taking advantage", not only have I outlined why this isn't the case (He offered, he always insisted on not letting me pay half) but also, as if a person in my situation wouldn't take up the offer from someone who they got along with really well! We used to get along like a house on fire, we would laugh alot together, travel together, cook together, yes just like a couple but with no mutual sexual attraction unfortunately. How is it that I am 'using' him now that we don't get along as well as we used to?

I do feel a bit attacked from all this to be honest. Opening up on a public forum is completely new to me, I guess I should have expected some people to be a bit harsh.
But I do appreciate all the feedback and it is certainly interesting to learn other people's viewpoints. Nobody is perfect and I, like I suspect most of you on this forum, have issues that skew our perceptions and ability to see things how they should (by who's standards anyway?) be seen.

Cheers.

Every time I have tried to tell him he gets uncomfortable, as I imagine most men would. He has the attitude If he cant do anything about it why discuss it. I have never felt understood or supported emotionally by him in regards to my past. Also he has come from a loving upbringing so doesn't understand what it is like to have abusive parents, leave home at 13 etc.

Yes I am working on accepting that.

One last thing I wanted to add re this situation.

This man I house share with has admitted to cheating on his (now ex) wife many times, she left him after 30 odd years of marriage, and he has nothing to do with his kids or grandkids either. He has alluded to seeing hookers right from the beginning as well.

Also I have had to put up with alot from him over the years, ie sexual harassment, him grabbing my private parts, sexual innuendo, sick jokes etc. So while I still maintain I am not using him I feel I have earned some of what he has provided for me.

So my point is he is no white knight!!

At the end of the day I agree we should part ways and that is what will happen in the near future, most likely in the next few months. I do not want to live around a dirty old man anymore. Interesting how out of the hundreds of views of my posts, not one person could say / admit they thought a man in his 60s was innappropiate/ dirty/ perverted to have sex with 18/19/20 yo females.

Probably because most people are fine with it so long it's consensual. I know I am.

Addendum: Aside from how you FEEL about it, can you justify why it's inappropriate for people of different ages to have a sexual relationship?

Zara18,

I don't know the 'tone' of your conversations when you worked for him or in general. However, people get a 'sense' of where you stand, from subtle bits & pieces of information within the 'nuances' of conversations, over a period of time. This information isn't necessarily 'verbal' - it may be tone, emotion, a reflex response, eye contact, facial twitch - all of which we are not always aware. At the end of the day, it determines 'comfort'. Comfort regarding disclosure of certain types of information.

As mentioned above, he sensed that his behaviour who meet with disapproval. So he lied - but then again you're not him "mom" Lying was the simplest thing to do

People are typically "honest" with open-minded people. We all want approval on some level - want to be liked, we need a sense of belonging. Open- minded people are typically non-judgemental.

I agree you should not snoop through his phone book, nor should you check his browser history. You are NOT his wife, he doesn't owe you anything. As long as there is consent - it doesn't matter.

There are so many attractive women out there in their 50s and 60s, both in this town and online (I have checked) so I don't see why he wouldn't seriously consider them ... except if he is only looking for sex, but he says he wants a woman to grow older with and to travel around with

Read your words, above again ...
(I have checked) > WHY have YOU checked? Check on matters for your own life & self improvement.

- I don't see why ... I, I ?!!? > It isn't for you to see why or why not! This really isn't YOUR business. There are monsters out there. He invited you in to room with, he sees women who give consent. Period.

- he is only looking for sex > ok - so he wants his needs met. Did he pressure you? As long as he leaves you alone, it doesn't matter. He's an adult. It is HIS life. Remember that.

- he says he wants a woman to grow older with and to travel around with > He doesn't owe you an explanation. He DOESN"T. With your attitude (from his point of view), he will always lie. It's SIMPLER & he just wants to live his life. Why should he provide an explanation? If this is how he feels, RESPECT it - whether you agree or not.

From your post, your issues are also factoring in to judge him. It is no wonder you feel 'disdain' re his actions. He didn't create your issues. He must live his life. You must live yours - with mutual respect. Leave him be, what he does should not concern you.

Don't check on the women he 'could go after' - check on what you can do to respect other people, even if you don't agree with their lifestyle.

It is to your credit that you have been honest enough to explore, and I do wish you the best. 'Do YOU'

[QUOTE=Zara18;5707840]One last thing I wanted to add re this situation.

ok - I'm sorry Zara18 that I missed this.

This man I house share with has admitted to cheating on his (now ex) wife many times, she left him after 30 odd years of marriage, and he has nothing to do with his kids or grandkids either. He has alluded to seeing hookers right from the beginning as well.

This doesn't concern you. They are better off if this is so - let them deal with it.

Also I have had to put up with alot from him over the years, ie sexual harassment, him grabbing my private parts, sexual innuendo, sick jokes etc. So while I still maintain I am not using him I feel I have earned some of what he has provided for me.

Then it is up to you to make boundaries clear & if not respected between the two of you, then it is YOUR business. all else is his


At the end of the day I agree we should part ways and that is what will happen in the near future, most likely in the next few months. I do not want to live around a dirty old man anymore. Interesting how out of the hundreds of views of my posts, not one person could say / admit they thought a man in his 60s was innappropiate/ dirty/ perverted to have sex with 18/19/20 yo females.
> perverted to have sex with 18/19/20 yo female
you need to take this up with the state, as in state laws. !8 IS legal. You also need to take this up with parents who don't parent - parents who don't inform their children about the 'world out there'l

I think it is good that you are moving out!

Just to play a little Devil's Advocate, and to add some more context to this interesting piece.

I think that it over-simplifies this guy's situation, and it makes these older attractive women objects to be counted.

Beyond that, I've had those strange discussions with my girlfriend, about what I would do if she were gone, as in if we split up or she died.

Intellectually speaking, one could probably pull up demographic data and find a list of women my own age in my area who are single, divorced, or widowed.

Fine, that's a list, but it says nothing about what's inside me, as a human being. I can't speak for the guy in this scenario, but I can speak for myself.

My g/f and I have been together way too long. I can't imagine us breaking up, and can only envision a difficult time when she dies.

First of all, there is no replacing her. There's something unique in her personality. Would I really be up for dating and starting a new relationship? Probably not. Would I want to go out to clubs? No. Find a one-nighter? No.

If needed, I might consider hiring a professional to take care of those physical needs, and maybe listen to me cry for a little bit, before I get back to my own life.

Yes, compared to what I had before, it would be hollow, lonely, and empty. And the last thing I would need is someone who believes that they are morally superior investigating me or moralizing about how I'm this sinner or horrible person because of what I'm doing.

I would be in so much pain as it were already, and adding this to the mix is not only the last thing that is needed, but it's not really necessary. It only adds more pain, and changes nothing else.

I've never hired a professional woman before, and sincerely hope that I'm never in that position. Remember that this is a hypothetical scenario.

So, if you cannot see why he would not seriously consider them, then it's because you are not capable of walking a mile in his shoes, either because you don't know him that well, or because you just can't. It's not always possible.

The world needs less pain, not more.

EDIT: I may have messed up the quote in the process; specifically, who wrote it. My goal is not to address the person who wrote it, so much as what was written.

Well you previously never said that he grabbed your private parts. That's a new information. Why are you allowing it? And for years???

Him cheating on his wife isn't nice but it's not something that concerns you

18 years olds are of legal age. Dating 18 year old isn't inappropriate. It might be not something you are in favor of but it certainly isn't illegal or perversive.

I think that issues that you mentioned are separate issues and aren't interconnected.

For example him grabbing your privates is beyond inappropriate but it's nothing to do with him sleeping with young women. Him grabbing you is an issue while him liking young women isn't.

You sound as because he made sexual advances on you it becomes your issue that he is doing online dating or seeing prostitutes. One has nothing to do with another. Have youtold your therapist that your roommate grabs your privates?

I am also surprised that you are so very assertive and confrontational with him in regards to his private business and unimportant stuff yet you aren't standing up for yourself when he violates you. You seem gravely upset over who he dates yet not upset over him being so highly inappropriate with you for years

No disrespect intended here - but the impression I got from reading your opening post is that both of you seem to be using the other person to fulfill other needs in your life (although you may not be directly aware of this and it could be happening on a subconscious level). It sounds like he is using you to try and satisfy his need for female companionship and perhaps combat loneliness - and it sounds like you may be using him for security reasons and for his financial help/assistance that he extends to you. If I am off base here, I do apologize - this was just the impression I got from reading what you shared. If what I'm saying rings true, then you should realize that this dynamic will not lend itself to a healthy and longlasting friendship (relationship)... It would probably be best to cut ties and move on, as neither of you would be in a place (internally) for this to develop into a healthy, mature friendship with a strong foundation. I am sorry to hear about your challenging life circumstances and I do hope that some doors open up for you soon, which take you in a new direction.