Rant 1

I'm sure that my boss (the person who I report to more frequently) hates me. I am not very talkative, and I have to admit that I just get along better with other people at work. I'm extremely introverted around her. And she asks questions I feel are prying.

For example, I was at dinner with coworkers and she asked me what my parents did. So I said what my father did and said my mother is a homemaker. And she said, it must have been stressful having a stay at home mom because I had all the pressure from her. Well, I didn't want to get into the whole thing because my mother and I do not get along, so I said, "Yes, it's possible." And the conversation ended there. But she seems to have taken it as me saying I didn't want to talk to her.

And she got that impression again because of my shyness and lack of social skills around her. She asked me how many times I had been skydiving since I listed it as a hobby on my bio. So I said "just once, but you know it's like a hobby now." She didn't get the joke and she said were you scared and I said no not really. Apparently not elaborating means I am aloof and arrogant! And when she makes small talk with the other new employee who is at the same level as me, she doesn't include me.

I'm just introverted and shy!

Rant 2

I can't seem to control my anger at my roommate. She is so healthy physically emotionally and she has a stable family in all senses of the word. Her parents are always helping her out. I'm starting to think that if you've been raised well and with love, or even just have successful and highly educated parents, you automatically become a bully because you are automatically equipped with good social skills and boundaries and you have the innate ability to judge because you haven't been through anything. And yet they have inbuilt standards and I swear she knows I am a toxic person and she's blocking me out. But she and my boss are so normal no wonder they get along.

My roommate has this fake smile she plasters on and dresses like her gender is expected to. When we are in group settings she uses this smile when the group laughs even when there's nothing funny. I don't even want to assimilate. She is normal and has been raised within society's standards and freaks like me will never fit in.

My roommate makes me jealous and angry and ashamed and convinced of my inferiority.

looks like I don't have enough strength or will to live to stick up for myself.

my roommate was talking to her parents, then her sister, then her friends all about her life and her plans and what she does in her free time.

part of me marveled about the fact that she has so many friends that would let her stay at their house. another part of me was upset that I don't seem to care if I get out of bed. finally I was upset because I am alone in the world with no family or friends.

my cousin died yesterday. I didn't know her, but my world has shrunken one more person.

I cried today. I don't often have big cries but when I do they usually occur at night before I go to bed, but this time I was fully conscious and in reality. mostly because of my roommate, who would not stop talking to her family. I have an inner weakness that I'm convinced comes from not being loved.

there I go again, whining about my life.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I just wanted to lend my support and let you know I'm here if you need to talk or vent. I hope you start feeling better soon. Best wishes.

[Bill3]

there I go again, whining about my life

I myself would not call it whining to share at this site the difficulties that one has as a result of what happened in childhood.

I have an inner weakness that I'm convinced comes from not being loved.

I think that this is quite possible. I think though that healing can occur, in part through threads like you started here. Speaking is a component of a path to healing.

finally I was upset because I am alone in the world with no family or friends

And she said, it must have been stressful having a stay at home mom because I had all the pressure from her. Well, I didn't want to get into the whole thing because my mother and I do not get along, so I said, "Yes, it's possible." And the conversation ended there. But she seems to have taken it as me saying I didn't want to talk to her.

How did you decide that she thought that you did not want to speak to her? To my mind, you handled that situation very nicely. It was an intrusive comment on her part and, in my mind, inappropriate.

I'm sorry that your roommate brings such challenging feelings out. It must be difficult to live with her.

Originally Posted by Bill3

How did you decide that she thought that you did not want to speak to her? To my mind, you handled that situation very nicely. It was an intrusive comment on her part and, in my mind, inappropriate.

She turned away as if I had dismissed her.

But some of it may be paranoia that they all hate me and that the other coworker is better than me. I have to be the best, you see. I do not know where that comes from. Perhaps the knowledge that, while I am fine with failing, as I have done before, I don't have a safety net. I am alone. Or maybe I am simply very egotistical and don't like feeling my pride wounded.

Or, I may have inherited my mother's anxiety over being liked. Again, I believe, from her not having a safety net, or perhaps being deprived of love, and needing to be seen as respectable.

I would probably be fine alone. I don't need to rely on other people. My roommate may sometimes ignore me, but I am probably worse (I am really like Jekyll and Hyde in my self-presentation). It's probably survival instinct for me to seek her approval as I can tell she will go far since she is healthy. But anyway, I'm trying to get over her. I don't need her, and she can't be perfect.

[Bill3]

I have to be the best, you see. I do not know where that comes from.

One place it might have come from is your childhood. I gather that, in childhood, you were not raised to have a sense of secure attachment, but rather with a sense of what one psychiatrist, Karen Horney, called "profound insecurity". In short, it sounds like you don't believe that you are good enough as a human being, and that perceived lack of self-worth gives you a basic anxiety.

The compulsion to be the best, then, can come from trying to deal with the insecurity and anxiety that you feel. Subconsciously, or even consciously, you might be thinking that if you only you were the best at something, then you would be good enough.

The problem with making being the best an overriding goal is that it interferes with the usual process of finding things that suit you. It isn't likely that one can know, in a relatively brief time, if one can be the best in field X. The temptation gets to be strong, then, to consider field X to be failure and try field Y. If one accedes to the temptation, the searching from field to field is discouraging, dissipates one's powers, and interferes with finding pleasure and healthy satisfaction in any field.

[eskielover]

Interesting, as I can sort of relate to what you have written here. I found that the articles on Childhood Emotional Neglect Helped me understand what I experienced & my reactions later on in life.

I had parents who were not highly educated. I had a dad who had no ability to emotionally connect. His social skills were non-existent as we're his communication skills. He was a nice person as in not mean or abusive he just lived in his own world & honestly embarrassed me so badly & never wanted people to know they were my parents when I was growing up. My mom was a stay at home mom because she didn't drive & was dependent on my dad for everything which limited the things I could be involved in after school also.

Growing up, I blamed their behaviors on their lack of education & like you I excelled to the best of my abilities in everything I did because it got me the recognition by others who I deemed knew more than my parents. I got good at a lot of things but the saying was true "jack of ALL trades, master on NONE". I actually fought with my mom all the time because I totally resented the limitations she placed on my life & I resented their income level because there were so many things I wanted to do but had no money to do & it wasn't like I lived in a neighborhood where I could do chores for others. It was a neighborhood full of homes who had their own kids to do chores for them....so no way to earn money growing up either. Getting my drivers license at 16 was my only way to freedom even though I had to share cars....at least there was a car at home when my dad worked nights as he had his really old work car & they owned an inexpensive family car.

My parents had no friends so the only place I learned socialization was in school & had to figure it out on my own. Being quiet & observing was my MO. I was afraid that if I opened my mouth to say something I would just embarrass myself the way my dad did....so quiet kept me out of trouble & below the radar in school while working harder than the other really smart kids to compete for the good grades?

Starting in junior high I had one good friend. While I was friendly, I hated groups so avoided being a part of any. I enjoyed being around other people I just felt so insecure in how to really act around them so was always overly cautious. I honestly don't know how in my last year of junior high I was voted president of our girls honor club, orchestra, & a class representative in student counsel....it definitely wasn't because I was popular. High school was a disaster with a class of over 1000 kids, the school had over 3000 kids. I was totally lost.

I was so determined that getting a college degree was the answer to NEVER being like my parents, that was my goal, I just had no idea how to go about it or what field to focus on & it was obvious my parents were useless especially with a dad who discouraged college because it just corrupts the mind....that pushed me even harder to get a degree.

There were always those perfect girls around who had tons of friends, who were the cheerleaders, the girlfriends of the football stars.....I never fit that type girl but I was satisfied being who & what I was though I always wondered what made the difference. I just figured it was me & as a kid didn't even relate it honestly with the dysfunctional parents I had even with all the conflict I had with them. I thought I was fighting it & not letting even a small amount rub off on me because I was a fighter.

The interesting thing was that I ended up marrying someone wat too much like my dad because I was sure he couldn't be anything like him because he had his degree in the same computer field I ended up majoring in after getting an AA in music & realizing there was no supportive career with that degree. It was fun though.

So marrying a guy like my dad only ended up creating a fighting environment....not good.......fast forward 33 years I finally left him & started healing from the dysfunctional life I had lived for 54 years. It wasn't until after major healing & researching what caused so much trouble in my marriage....just like with my family......no emotional compnnection, no communication ability & no social skills. I realized after I left & started my own normal life that those traits weren't all mine. Research showed that my H's behaviors fit the descriptions of ASD(Asperger's ) perfectly & in realizing that, I started thinking back to my dad....& the same perfect fit applied to his behaviors. The only reason I realized the behaviors didn't fit me was because when I left my marriage & established my own environment I have been able to emotionally connect with others even on a friendship level & the problem I had communicating no longer was a problem....it had been due to lack of understanding of whatvI said not npmy lack of being able to say it.

You are right....the way your life was with your parents definitely influences ones behaviors in many different ways & the lack of an emotional connection beyond lack of love can really mess with our reaction & response to that environment.....it's good to sort out & figure out what is you & what is still your reaction to the environment you grew up in.

It was easy for me to move on. Both my parents have died & I moved 2100 miles away from the H I left so starting over in a new life where no one even knew me before moving here was a great way to start over.

eskielover, we do seem really similar!

How did you start over with your emotional connections? No matter where I go I seem to act out my problematic previous relationships. It is heartening to hear that you were able to start over.

For a short term solution, I am going to ask my roommate to speak to her family outside. This morning she asked me not to do my alarm clock ritual at night. (My old counselor thought I had OCD and for the first time I think she was right because I had massive anxiety over the thought of not doing my safety test on my alarms...) But it was the first night she had even heard my alarms. So if she only waits once to get on my case, I think a month of misery is enough to talk to her about it.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by emptynightmare

Rant 1

I'm sure that my boss (the person who I report to more frequently) hates me. I am not very talkative, and I have to admit that I just get along better with other people at work. I'm extremely introverted around her. And she asks questions I feel are prying.

For example, I was at dinner with coworkers and she asked me what my parents did. So I said what my father did and said my mother is a homemaker. And she said, it must have been stressful having a stay at home mom because I had all the pressure from her. Well, I didn't want to get into the whole thing because my mother and I do not get along, so I said, "Yes, it's possible." And the conversation ended there. But she seems to have taken it as me saying I didn't want to talk to her.

And she got that impression again because of my shyness and lack of social skills around her. She asked me how many times I had been skydiving since I listed it as a hobby on my bio. So I said "just once, but you know it's like a hobby now." She didn't get the joke and she said were you scared and I said no not really. Apparently not elaborating means I am aloof and arrogant! And when she makes small talk with the other new employee who is at the same level as me, she doesn't include me.

I'm just introverted and shy!

I cannot say whether your boss thinks any less of you because of your introversion. I can say that your introversion may be skewing your perception on others' behaviors.

Here's why.

Her asking about your family and commenting on your upbringing is in essence trying to get to know you and making conversation that is normal. People will show interest by asking about you, your life, your personal interests and everything. The point about your mother was just a comment, it doesn't sound like it was a judgment on you or your upgbringing at all.

Asking you again about your skydiving, and details is the same. she picked something she knew you were likely interested in, to make a conversation about you. That's showing interest again, possibly wants to be on friendly terms with you?

I feel like you may go around thinking people look down on you when they may not be. True some in your past or even present may, but more often than not, people don't do that. It's actually more likely she doesn't know one of her subordinates and feels compelled to be on a level that is friendly and is trying to get to that point.

Rant 2

I can't seem to control my anger at my roommate. She is so healthy physically emotionally and she has a stable family in all senses of the word. Her parents are always helping her out. I'm starting to think that if you've been raised well and with love, or even just have successful and highly educated parents, you automatically become a bully because you are automatically equipped with good social skills and boundaries and you have the innate ability to judge because you haven't been through anything. And yet they have inbuilt standards and I swear she knows I am a toxic person and she's blocking me out. But she and my boss are so normal no wonder they get along.

No one is raised well. We are all raised by standards based on many variables, and even if one's environment is better than another's NO ONE is automatically a bully, with good social skills (by the way that's a complete contradiction because bullies don't have good social skills or they wouldn't be bullies in the first place) Plenty of people who are not brought up in the best of places end up bullies, plenty of us introverts are also just as judgmental too.

It seems like you may be too caught up in analyzing her background and making assumptions based on that. She is a bully, if that's what she is, because she chooses to be and no amount of blaming it on her family or upbringing will change that.

My roommate has this fake smile she plasters on and dresses like her gender is expected to. When we are in group settings she uses this smile when the group laughs even when there's nothing funny. I don't even want to assimilate. She is normal and has been raised within society's standards and freaks like me will never fit in.

My roommate makes me jealous and angry and ashamed and convinced of my inferiority.

You should not ever be jealous at people who are fake and wear masks with their cliques. When you see someone being less than genuine to others, just feel better about yourself that at least you're real. when you meet people and make friends, at least you know they will see the real you and hopefully they will be the same.

insofar as it is possible I'd just come up with boundaries like you have in your last post in asking her to talk to family elsewhere. In kind you should try to make compromises with your behavior that may get on her nerves. This is what people do with roommates because we all have different behaviors and rituals. Your situation with this roommate is in no way odd. Your (both) willingness to work with each other in these ways will determine whether this will be a smooth or rocky ride ahead as roomies.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I cannot say whether your boss thinks any less of you because of your introversion. I can say that your introversion may be skewing your perception on others' behaviors.

Maybe.

Her asking about your family and commenting on your upbringing is in essence trying to get to know you and making conversation that is normal. People will show interest by asking about you, your life, your personal interests and everything. The point about your mother was just a comment, it doesn't sound like it was a judgment on you or your upgbringing at all.

I did not say that was why I was bothered.

No one is raised well. We are all raised by standards based on many variables, and even if one's environment is better than another's NO ONE is automatically a bully, with good social skills (by the way that's a complete contradiction because bullies don't have good social skills or they wouldn't be bullies in the first place) Plenty of people who are not brought up in the best of places end up bullies, plenty of us introverts are also just as judgmental too.

How do you know this? Please do not give advice in a tone that sounds like you are laying down facts unless you also offer how you have seen this in your own experiences.

It seems like you may be too caught up in analyzing her background and making assumptions based on that. She is a bully, if that's what she is, because she chooses to be and no amount of blaming it on her family or upbringing will change that.

Do not tell me what I am doing. Do not tell me what she is doing. You do not know me. I do not think you understood my point. I also don't believe in free will. Perhaps I could use different vocabulary. She was raised to be a predator. I was not raised at all and have become prey. There are socioeconomic issues that mold one into oneself. To a certain extent one may "choose" to be a bully but you have to be set up to get into that position first.

You should not ever be jealous at people who are fake and wear masks with their cliques. When you see someone being less than genuine to others, just feel better about yourself that at least you're real. when you meet people and make friends, at least you know they will see the real you and hopefully they will be the same.

Maybe you should write a book. Again, don't give advice as if you know everything. You don't. You only know what you have experienced. So if you have any personal experiences that you believe qualifies you to give me advice I would love to hear it.

And yes, you can make fun of me saying I'm too weak and couldn't take your advice because I was triggered. But I'm setting a boundary here. The way you said your bit sounded arrogant and intrusive and impulsive. You don't know me. Ask for clarification next time.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by emptynightmare

Maybe.



I did not say that was why I was bothered.


How do you know this? Please do not give advice in a tone that sounds like you are laying down facts unless you also offer how you have seen this in your own experiences.


Do not tell me what I am doing. Do not tell me what she is doing. You do not know me. I do not think you understood my point. I also don't believe in free will. Perhaps I could use different vocabulary. She was raised to be a predator. I was not raised at all and have become prey. There are socioeconomic issues that mold one into oneself. To a certain extent one may "choose" to be a bully but you have to be set up to get into that position first.



Maybe you should write a book. Again, don't give advice as if you know everything. You don't. You only know what you have experienced. So if you have any personal experiences that you believe qualifies you to give me advice I would love to hear it.

And yes, you can make fun of me saying I'm too weak and couldn't take your advice because I was triggered. But I'm setting a boundary here. The way you said your bit sounded arrogant and intrusive and impulsive. You don't know me. Ask for clarification next time.

I usually am quite a bit more clear in what I am saying but yes most of what I am saying is based on experience and if you would like me to elaborate I can but I felt like I had so much to add that It felt like I would be quite long winded in my post which usually results in people not really reading everything I've said.

Please don't misunderstand, I have not implied intentionally that you are weak, are doing anything that deserves judgment from me or anything, I am merely being observant of what you've said and reading into how you describe things. I try not to speak without feeling that I have some insight into things, or have experienced things myself.

I do not blame you for how you see things or feel nor judge you for it, but I am actually trying to see through what you describe. I can sit here and say simply that I understand how you feel and tell you all about my experiences and how we might understand each other the same because of shared experiences but I am of the mind that most people come here for honesty and advice.

I will accept that perhaps the way I word things isn't always the most padded, but more direct but I stand by what I've said.

first, I have lived my life almost 5 decades of it, being paranoid much of the time, introverted, and socially isolated for a good portion of it. I have a severe hearing loss since childhood that has caused much of my paranoia and social awkwardness but have learned to look at my own skewed views of things because of these problems.

I also grew up with a family I abandoned for the same reasons you are bothered by your roommate. I have not seen them for a good 20 yrs now because they are backstabbing, fake and conceited people of which type annoys me and angers me to know end. So yes, I do understand what it's like to be around that. But, I have learned how to deal with those people, either by being away from them if I can, or dealing with them as little as possible and making myself go along with things more often than not to keep the peace. not always the right thing to do but I'm learning.

Being paranoid and introverted as I have been, it's caused me to judge others a lot and envy or look down on them for the way they are. I've jumped to many conclusions bout the motivations of others too.

So I apologize if you think I was judgmental or arrogant. it was not intended but please don't for a second believe that I think I'm better or above you. I am the same, just likely much older.

As for my statements, I cannot say whether or not they are accurately depicting your thoughts or life. only you know. That's how advice works, gotta get it from more than one source and fell out which ones are accurate and effective in your life.

God bless.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I can sit here and say simply that I understand how you feel and tell you all about my experiences and how we might understand each other the same because of shared experiences but I am of the mind that most people come here for honesty and advice.

I will accept that perhaps the way I word things isn't always the most padded, but more direct but I stand by what I've said.

I think you misunderstand me again. I did not think your first message was unpadded. I am open to your advice as long as I know how you have formed opinions about me. The reason I did not like your first message was not that it was padded or not, but that you offered no reasoning behind most of your statements, which makes it seem like you were dictating what I should do or how I should feel. I'm certainly not looking to hear that you are the same as me. I always look for the reasoning behind any idea. When it comes to people giving advice, the only reasoning one can offer is personal experience. You offered none in your first post, so how could I accept your advice?

Thanks for explaining a bit in your second post, which is all I was asking for.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by emptynightmare

I think you misunderstand me again. I did not think your first message was unpadded. I am open to your advice as long as I know how you have formed opinions about me. The reason I did not like your first message was not that it was padded or not, but that you offered no reasoning behind most of your statements, which makes it seem like you were dictating what I should do or how I should feel. I'm certainly not looking to hear that you are the same as me. I always look for the reasoning behind any idea. When it comes to people giving advice, the only reasoning one can offer is personal experience. You offered none in your first post, so how could I accept your advice?

Thanks for explaining a bit in your second post, which is all I was asking for.

well to be honest I've been here so long (previous incarnation in addition to this login) and I sometimes forget that some or many people may not actually know me personally and anything about me or my background XD

what I was trying to say in the two instances of your rants was that in the first one, it could quite possibly be your perceptions of what people may be thinking. I'm of course assuming this may not be an isolated instance with your boss and to qualify that I only say this because it is something I know I've done. not always being included in groups (not because of bad or mean people but becuase I can't join in as much with my hearing) I've made some bad assumptions about other people's motives. I'm merely trying to have you consider that as a possibility in your situation too.

As to the roommate, quite honestly I was not making any negative assumptions about you actually but that we usually can't change other people, first off, but I'm sure you aren't trying to. But you're stuck in a situation where you have to deal with this person regularly as a roommate so her type of personality is going to have to be compensated on your end somehow which is why I say I tend to avoid contact with people like this when possible and if not, I tend to just go along with things.. but then I'm the type that goes along with things a lot - that may not be your way.

ultimately I imagine your personalities clash only on the small amount of information you've given and I'd advise finding another room mate as soon as that is possible though in the mean time try to find compromises between you.

Hope this helps.

[Open Eyes]

Wanting to be the best can mean wanting to make up for not feeling valued or loved enough as a child. It's important to pay attention to the things that trigger you because from what I am reading it seems that you avoid interacting and you prefer to hide because you are afraid of rejection. Then when you do interact you tend to withdraw and contemplate how the other person is not going to like you.

It's important that you understand that a lot of people "fear" rejection. Even your room mate with her so called nice family "fears" rejection. It's just part of being human. It's also important that you pay attention to your own needs and be a "friend to self" despite whatever you did not have in your life.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by emptynightmare

eskielover, we do seem really similar!

How did you start over with your emotional connections? No matter where I go I seem to act out my problematic previous relationships. It is heartening to hear that you were able to start over.

For a short term solution, I am going to ask my roommate to speak to her family outside. This morning she asked me not to do my alarm clock ritual at night. (My old counselor thought I had OCD and for the first time I think she was right because I had massive anxiety over the thought of not doing my safety test on my alarms...) But it was the first night she had even heard my alarms. So if she only waits once to get on my case, I think a month of misery is enough to talk to her about it.

Actually I had to LEARN HOW to emotionally connect...so it was a learning experience...a long process actually.

Before I left my H I had commented to him how he would do things because he knew they were the right thing to do not because he had any feeling for what he was doing.....& I realized that most times I did the same thing. Gut feel said something wrong with it but didnt really understsnd how to do the feeling thing.

Another awareness about my feelings was after I left him....I was on my bed with my dogs & one of my dogs (Leo) has a connection with me that is so different than all the others....its like a heart connection. When I finally was away from all the anger that I had built up towards my H I had left...I had a chance to start noticing good feelings & I remember telling Leo....wow, this is what LOVE feels like..totally unconditional.

I was just gettkng to know people in my new community & there are just some awesome people who seemed to connect beyond just doing what is right. They truly seemed to care FROM THEIR HEART....It was a sense that I started to notice.

Right about that time, the new T I was seeing got me started in the DBT group....a 3 hour a week program for 2 years. Huge committment but the group leader was the most fantastic psycholigist I have ever experienced. Learning about mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Emotional Regulation, & Interpersonal relationships. It was like a college class all about my every day living.

So with a much deeper awareness of my own self & with getting to know & spend quality time with new friends in my community, I realized that I was connecting with them at a level I had never connected before. At first I was naturally keeping everyone at arms distance & superficial but they were REAL & their abiluty to emotionally connect with the others around them were like a REAL EXAMPLE of what emotional connecting was all about & they wete inviting me to be a part of the connection. Observing their relationships eith others made me feel SAFE to open up & to start connecting with them. Sort of trial & error at times but I was careful to take it slow, observe, & make corrections is how I acted....& as I did that, I could (&can) actually feel the connection in what we call our heart but really is a connection in our emotional mind.

It wasnt until AFTER I realized this happened that I actually looked bsck on my whole life & realized that I had NEVER lived around anyone who was truly capable of emotionally connecting with anyone from my parents to the H I married. I always sensed something was missing but never could put my finger on it until I actually started experiencing what REAL emotional connection felt like.

It seems from my experience that its both internal & learned (we are NEVER too old to learn. I was in my late 50's when it started coming together for me. I think if it hadnt been internal to me, it NEVER would have come out. But if I had never been in the environment that was emotionally connected to learn from it never would have grown.

When I left my H I threw my past away & never looked back. It was like closing a door on it even though x-H kept messing me up financially. I was also able to look back on my marriage & analyze that I NEVER had loved him which wasa real revelation to me. It was like all the colors in my life painting were coming to life & it was all making sense....finally at the age of 60+.

Past relationships can still haunt us but it has more to do with the mindfulness & taking control of both our logical & emotionsl minds over the past & allowing ourselves to feel safe enough to connect with people we KNOW ARE SAFE to connect to. There are some people I choose NOT TO emotionally connect to & keep them at an acquaintance level...& thats NORMAL too. Not everyone is good or safe to connect to In that way. Mindfulness helps us discern who those people are.

[Rose76]

This boss of yours sounds totally inappropriate and a real button pusher. Nothing wrong with you avoiding her as much as you can, while communicating with her to the extent the job requires.

What is really funny is that after I asked my roommate to talk outside with her parents, she came back in and said she had discussed the matter with said parents(!), and they told her to push back. Apparently I had caused her to feel uncomfortable in the apartment and she pays rent here too.

I know too much about sneaking around a home, so I told her to please feel free to talk anywhere at anytime, maybe just once a week talk outside (because she talks to them everyday). I told her that I understand because it's a strange request that she won't understand because I don't want to explain.

But I was visibly upset (not very dramatic, just a bit of tearing up and some sad body language) because I didn't/couldn't control my emotions. I bet her parents are going to tell her that I'm manipulative.

It wasn't like I was faking it. But, still, I'm just going to leave her alone from now on and let her decide what to do.

I guess, yes, I'm afraid of rejection, but I feel that everything I touch goes wrong. Every relationship, however inconsequential, becomes unhealthy. I seem to be a destructive, manipulative person.

[Bill3]

How are you getting along with her aside from the parental phone calls?

I think it's fine. She hasn't said anything else besides the alarms, and I have been doing those outside since then. We are both clean in the kitchen and bathroom.... Everything bad is probably in my head. If I didn't have such a skewed perspective, I would probably be able to handle her phone calls.

[Open Eyes]

I guess, yes, I'm afraid of rejection, but I feel that everything I touch goes wrong. Every relationship, however inconsequential, becomes unhealthy. I seem to be a destructive, manipulative person.

This is connected to your childhood IMO emptynightmare. It sounds like you are very confused about boundaries and tend to get upset when people talk to you because you don't know how much to share with them. It also sounds like you don't see/feel your own value as a person so you are much more emotionally sensitive. If you reject others before they reject you, somehow, that gives you a sense of power. Truth is you don't really want to be like that you know it's not right.

Your room mate has to ask her parent's advise "am I wrong, is SHE wrong?". Her parents are still guiding her where you don't have that. Yet, it's important to realize that your room mate is still unsure of how to interact and asks for guidance, so your need for guidance as well is pretty "normal". Yet, consider this for a minute, this site is full of members from all different back grounds that are seeking guidance.

Every relationship, however inconsequential, becomes unhealthy. I seem to be a destructive, manipulative person.

YOU can work on changing this though, you can pay attention to the areas that challenge you and work on improving them bit by bit. A lot of people do this through self help books, and working with therapists and doing CBT and DBT therapy. Lot's of people have to find mentors because a lot of people, even those with parents need to find help, many have parents that contribute to their distorted thinking.

Hi Open Eyes,

Thanks for your responses.

If you reject others before they reject you, somehow, that gives you a sense of power.

Can you tell me where you see me doing this? If I don't open up to people it's because I'm scared of them and don't know how to handle things, not because I want to have power over them.... Oh, also, I realize I was very quick on the trigger towards s4ndm4n2006 if that is what you are referring to. I was in a bad mood and honestly hadn't read the post carefully. Sorry, s4ndm4n2006.

Your room mate has to ask her parent's advise "am I wrong, is SHE wrong?". Her parents are still guiding her where you don't have that. Yet, it's important to realize that your room mate is still unsure of how to interact and asks for guidance, so your need for guidance as well is pretty "normal". Yet, consider this for a minute, this site is full of members from all different back grounds that are seeking guidance.

Thanks! This makes sense.

Re the DBT and CBT part: I don't even know what areas challenge me. It has all blended into a confusing puree. But I will try.

[Open Eyes]

Rejecting others before they reject you doesn't mean you are being mean to them. It could be more connected to "avoiding". Some learn this growing up before they even know what they are doing.

[Bill3]

If I don't open up to people it's because I'm scared of them

I expect that the fear goes back to childhood, where I imagine you learned, as did I, that opening up at home, being vulnerable, led to pain.

and don't know how to handle things

An option is to ask for help about things that you don't know or did not learn in childhood. Yet again childhood can interfere. I used to have a lot of trouble asking for help: asking for help is another form of openness/vulnerability, which (as above) I strongly tended to avoid because in childhood it generally led to pain.

[Erebos]

I don't think nightmare meant power over people...or maybe they did? Anyway I read it more as away of controlling the situation, 'if I dismiss them first they can't hurt me by dismissing me first.'

That Sounds like a form of self protection.

Still I could be wrong and that may not have been what nightmare meant at all.

I am sorry your struggling, I am afraid I can't offer much assistance here as I stopped giving a Damn about what anyone else thought about Me long ago.
I am introverted,awkward weird and proud of it.

I had parents and a brother that loved me dearly but that did not prevent them from being utter screwball and damage.g both their children well beyond any chance of repair.
Infact I can attribute most of my crazy to my parents, and they are definitely responsible for my brothers slide into the rabbit hole.
What I mean to say is love is not enough to make a parent. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

That sums up being raised in my family.

I very much hope you find the answers, or at least some way to manage all this.
Take care and be safe.

I thought I was sticking up for myself and I thought that was positive because I don't do that. And I didn't want to sneak around the house when she talked to her parents.

But maybe I was just being immature and wimpy. No reason to pull her into the mess of my life unless the pettiness that motivates me has become a larger, darker force.

I need to toughen up. I am healthy and privileged in my own way, so I should not have been so jealous. Sure she was rubbing it in every day, but I can get through more than that.

I need to toughen up and not be stupid. End of day, I'm tougher and better than most so I should act that way. It was simply stupid of me.

So I will stop writing this long winded reply and focus on my job. My arrogance will carry me far.