I swing from wanting to leave to wanting to stay

Hoping for some outside input, with the understanding that this is on the internet and life is more complicated than a single post.

I have been with my husband for 16yrs, married for 7. 3yrs ago we moved to a new state as I was given fantastic job opportunity and his contract was ending at his job. I still love my job. When we first moved, he took some time off. Figured it was only fair, he worked while I was in graduate school and after school I was struggling to make decent money...maybe $12,000 a year through various outlets. Once I was employed, I thought he deserved time to figure out what he wanted to do. 3 years later, still no job. He has been teaching himself coding online via a couple free online programs.

I approached him this past winter about getting out and starting to look for work. He does not feel ready/qualified yet, but has yet to measure his true skill in the real world. The relationship is falling apart. He does not want to go out..with me or anyone. A while back, I approached him on not feeling connected, and was told that I created the situation, so it was my turn to suffer through it.

He blows up every couple months, yells, tells me I am judging him, that because of the choices I made he is now forced to do things he does not want to. (He wanted me to have my own business, and I was not good at it...got the salaried job instead, and 'took away his life' by creating a situation where he could not support me). Calls me selfish and cruel, overly sensitive and that 'I don't understand aggression'. The next morning he apologizes...acts like nothing happened and I still feel jerked around.

I question if it is abusive, intentional or not. I have earned all the money in the last 3 years, we had nothing save prior to that as a result of both of our decisions. I cracked this summer and bought a ticket to Europe with my family after he initially said he didn't want to go. 2 years back we 'returned' a vacation package because it wan't financially responsible. Bought him a ticket to Europe too after a fight and we spent a lot of money...but according to him, I ruined out stability by spending recklessly...but he was happy to enjoy all the same...with no financial contribution. Vacation is paid for, no debt was accrued.

I look at this post, and things I have written in the past and I know I am not happy. When I think of leaving all I see is chaos. Most time with him is pleasant...and I really do love him. No one can tell me what to do..because it is ultimately my decision. No one I know, knows about this struggle for me, because I am embarrassed to share and afraid that it looks like blaming, when I know there are 2 people in a relationship.

Long post, I know. But any thoughts would be helpful. Thank you.

Hello!!! I see this is your first post on PC so Welcome. I don't have any good advice for you at this time but other posters will, don't worry. Best wishes.

Hello Kathryn999, I see this is your first post, so welcome to PC! I hope you find your time here to be of benefit. Once you have 5 approved posts, you will be able to enter the chat room and talk to fellow members. There is almost always someone online to chat with.

Your post reminded me of a relationship I was in for almost 3 years...he earned very little money and had anger issues, I was the main financial provider which is not fun! I finally decided to end it because I was not happy. That being said, we tried trial separation and what we could to salvage the relationship. Would you be willing to try couples counselling with your husband? Maybe it would really help to strengthen your relationship. If he doesn't change his ways though, I'd say leave...you don't need that toxicity in your life.

I'm very sorry to hear your relationship is suffering like this. It seems like he might be getting way too involved in his own head (too much time at home can do that to a person). You don't necessarily have to make a drastic decision right off the bat; have you considered maybe a separation? He could possibly surprise you and turn himself around if the threat of losing you becomes real; or, you could find some self empowerment and some clarity to navigate the chaos of a true breakup. In either case, some distance might help you both articulate where you want your lives to be heading, because it certainly doesn't sound like he's happy either.

Best of luck and love to you both, however that works out. <3

Hang in there. Personally I'd never stay with a man who doesn't work (if not on disability). There is no way. But I know many women who support their husbands who quit their jobs and stay home (no kids). Do you have kids?

I don't know if you are in
The US, but here if you stay married over certain number of years, you end up paying him alimony. My husband's ex never wanted to work and we now pay her big chunk of money every month. You have to be mindful that longer you wait more likely you'll pay him for many years or in some cases forever

This is a tough situation. Your husband is depressed and getting more depressed. He's not even functioning. That's a long time to be not working and not really looking for work. He has fallen into being totally dependent on you for his material needs. He's gotten comfortable enough with that to have lost his incentive to find employment.

Him blowing up at you could conceivably be categorized as abuse. But what difference does it make what you call it? You don't like living with it. It sounds like you feel you have to have a reason to leave the marriage that will sound to other people like you had no choice. (Thus the poll at the top of the thread.) You don't.

Nowadays, feeling miserable in a marriage is widely recognized as a valid reason to end it. Having a spouse who doesn't work would make most people feel miserable. But you do sound awfully ambivalent.

In marriage ceremonies, typically, we vow to stay with one another through thick and thin, through sickness as well as health. But a marriage partner has an obligation to take care of their own health. Your husband is just stewing in resentment. You don't have a moral obligation to tolerate that for ever.

I wouldn't tell you what to do, especially from only one post of info. Only you know in your heart. If you don't have kids, the leaving is easier. It's definitely time to sit him down and tell him how fed up you are, changes must be made.