[rufiki]

My girlfriend's daughter is 19, and a sophomore at the local community college. She lives with my girlfriend and myself, and is like a daughter to me. I'm starting to worry about her and don't know if or what I should say to her.

To put it bluntly, she's annoying. She has a loud voice and doesn't seem to realize how loud she gets when talking. She's also very blunt and opinionated, so she says things people sometimes don't want to hear, also loudly. She seems to get angry very easily, even with her friends, I've found however, she is fine 5 minutes later, though someone else would assume she is very mad at them. She can be very rude.

The other day I was driving her to meet her friends and we stopped at Starbucks because we were early. The barista asked, "Didn't you go to **** high school?" After we got our drinks I asked if she recognized the guy. She said no, but she was infamous around that school. When I asked her why, she said because she was so annoying.

On her backpack she puts all kinds of pins and patches. Some are for boy band singers and stuff, but also are pins saying, "Feminist Killjoy", "You Stink", and "F**k Off". Not the message I would want her to give to the world.

I guess I'm worried she'll have trouble making new friends, or finding a boyfriend, ar getting along in the world. She's never had a boyfriend, and as far as I know, has only been on 1 date, which she cut short because "He was so boring". She's a beautiful girl, really, but her personality is so off putting. Should I try to talk to her about it? Keep in mind, she gets mad easily and then doesn't listen to anything I say. What to do?

[divine1966]

It's commendable that you are concerned about her. You sound like a very kind person but imho in no circumstances should you be criticizing her off putting personality. My daughter tend to have loud voice and at times says some strange things but I can't imagine my husband (stepdad) ever saying anything. One of my stepkids is rather rough around the edges, but I don't believe it's my place to critisise her. Just my opinion of course.

[~Christina]

Is this the step daughter you posted about recently ????

You were talking about just how much you enjoyed her company? And she was a great kid ?

I'm confused ..... is there 2 step daughters ?

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by rufiki

On her backpack she puts all kinds of pins and patches. Some are for boy band singers and stuff, but also are pins saying, "Feminist Killjoy", "You Stink", and "F**k Off". Not the message I would want her to give to the world.

Just so you know, the term "feminist killjoy" is actually a reference to an academic book by Sara Ahmed which is a very smart social critique. I would be proud of her for being so well read and culturally and politically engaged. I'm a professor and I actually helped a smart high school student edit her college essay which she entitled "Feminist Killjoy." She got into four ivy leagues.

I wouldn't criticize her attitude and values just because you don't understand them. She is of s different generation and may be doing just fine. Parents don't always "get" their children or stepchildren. I can remember my dad thinking I ruined my life and career prospects when I got a tattoo. I still managed to get a PhD and was president of the graduate student assembly. Cultural values change over time.

[scorpiosis37]

After reading Christina's post I went back and read your other thread. This is the same 19-year-old step daughter you thought you might be in love with earlier this week? It doesn't sound like she has an off-putting personality. Are you trying to find fault with her to convince yourself you're not in love with her?

[divine1966]

After looking at your other posts and seeing other comments I am confused as well. On one hand teenagers could be obnoxious simply because that's how they are ( I take it that you do not have kids) and on the other hand you previously said that she is wonderful yet now she is off putting. The whole situation with your gf and her daughter sounds troublesome. I don't generally advice to leave your partner when they are ill but this might be the case when moving on from this relationship might be a solution. Do you also financially support them all?

[Sunflower123]

I am questioning the disparity as well. Having said that, she may mellow out. Her brain is still forming and she is still going through hormonal changes. Life experience may smooth out some of the rough edges plus she just went through **** with her mom. I would leave it alone.

[rufiki]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Is this the step daughter you posted about recently ????

You were talking about just how much you enjoyed her company? And she was a great kid ?

I'm confused ..... is there 2 step daughters ?

Yes, it's the same one. I do enjoy her company, mostly, and I'm very proud of all her accomplishments. But I recognize her faults, and this is a big one. I'm worried it's something that will make life difficult for her.

[rufiki]

Originally Posted by divine1966

After looking at your other posts and seeing other comments I am confused as well. On one hand teenagers could be obnoxious simply because that's how they are ( I take it that you do not have kids) and on the other hand you previously said that she is wonderful yet now she is off putting. The whole situation with your gf and her daughter sounds troublesome. I don't generally advice to leave your partner when they are ill but this might be the case when moving on from this relationship might be a solution. Do you also financially support them all?

Hi. I do have 5 grown children, ages 29-36. I know teenagers can be obnoxious. And in most ways my stepdaughter is more than anyone can hope for. She's smart, with a 3.6 GPA in college so far, ambitious, doesn't drink, do drugs, or smoke. She has goals and works to achieve them. She can hold an intelligent conversation on many subjects. But....
In any crowd of teenagers, she is far and away the loudest, in restaurants we have always had to caution her to lower her voice. She has no filters, and mutters sarcastic remarks about other people's views loud enough for them to hear. Many times she will turn a conversation towards her favorite topic, boy bands and their lyrics, even if it means interrupting.

I have learned to overlook these traits, mostly, as I thought they were basic teenage stuff. But she is getting older and insisting on being treated as an adult, I guess I thought she would outgrow this. And when she told me she was infamous at her school for being the most annoying, I started to worry.

I'm starting to wish I'd never posted that post about loving her earlier. I just need someone to talk to, I work alone all day and my girlfriend hasn't been available for months. I was relying way too heavily on my stepdaughter.

And, yes Divine, I am currently supporting them, my girlfriend worked for the 1st 2 years of our relationship, but has not worked for 4 years. I make enough for the 3 of us, and we've been able to do things together we couldn't do if we had conflicting schedules. I don't have a problem with that.

[Bill3]

I'm worried it's something that will make life difficult for her.

Possibly it will. If so, it will be up to her to address it at that time.

It sounds to me as though she will be up to the task!

One thing that you can do (if you are not already doing this) is to model the sort of behavior that you want to encourage. Aside from that, my advice is to let her figure things out as she goes along.

[Terabithia]

Maybe your stepdaughter is acting out - she's not too old to do this. Having a stepfather leaning on her because he is lonely and his girlfriend has not been available can cause a lot of confusion and agitation for a child or teenager, or even a grown up. Filling that gap is not the role of a stepdaughter or daughter. It's crossing a boundary and putting an expectation on her that I would think would be uncomfortable and confusing. Plus, since you are her stepfather, maybe she had a difficult relationship with her father, as well, accounting for her behavior in high school. Is that possible? Does this make sense to you?

[divine1966]

Loud voice is just that: loud voice. Both my daughter and I have loud voices and we are fine. I'll let her be. I am surprised she is even around parents and step parents long enough. My daughter attended college away from home but both my nephews attended locally. They were barely ever around being full time in college and working many hours. We were lucky to have them at family gatherings! If this girl doesn't work she needs to start now.

[rufiki]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Loud voice is just that: loud voice. Both my daughter and I have loud voices and we are fine. I'll let her be. I am surprised she is even around parents and step parents long enough. My daughter attended college away from home but both my nephews attended locally. They were barely ever around being full time in college and working many hours. We were lucky to have them at family gatherings! If this girl doesn't work she needs to start now.

She does work part time at the local mall. Like I said, in most ways I couldn't ask for a better stepdaughter. I was worried because she doesn't have many friends and now it seems maybe this is the reason. She doesn't socialize much. I'll leave her alone and be patient.

Terabithia: She doesn't like her father at all and has never lived with him. He was one of my girlfriend's one night stands when she was in her 30s, long before I came along. She visited him a few times when she was younger, but he is an alcoholic and she can't stand him. I think that is why she and I get along so well, she sees me as a better role model than her real father. I do my best.

[rufiki]

I would add that she is VERY dramatic about little things. Everything is OH MY GOD! with her. The other day we did laundry, I was folding some stuff and folded a towel and laid it on the arm of the couch. As I was putting away my jeans I heard her yell, OH MY GOD! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? What did I do, I asked. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS! What? MY TOWEL IS TOUCHING THE COUCH! NOW I HAVE TO WASH IT AGAIN. Yelling the whole time. drama. Maybe she's looking for attention?

[scorpiosis37]

You seem overly focused on your step-daughter. You've said many times that you are lonely and use your step-daughter as a companion because you don't have other adults to talk to. Now you're concerned that she isn't socializing enough. Maybe just focus on yourself and finding your own friends. Focus less on her and more on improving your own life. She can take of herself. Your anxiety and fixation on her doesn't seem to healthy for either of you. I'm sure she can navigate her own life.

[divine1966]

Maybe because I teach high school, I don't find many of these behaviors that unusual for a young adult. So far nothing that you mentioned strikes worth worrying about. I agree with previous poster. Your preoccupation with her seems a bit unhealthy. Have you talked to a therapist?

[rufiki]

Yeah. I started therapy a couple weeks ago. You are all probably right. This is a very confusing time for me. When I met my girlfriend and her daughter, they seemed beaten down by life in a prior mentally abusive relationship. I soon made it my goal to make them happy. But now, my girlfriend is in and out of hospitals constantly, and her daughter always seems mad at the world and I feel like my life has lost direction. I found this site, and keep firing off questions because I'm lost I guess.

[Bill3]

I soon made it my goal to make them happy.

It would be useful to look in therapy at how this goal--out of your actual control--came to you and came to be the focus of your life.

[rufiki]

I had met my girlfriend 31 years before we started dating, when I was dating my wife. I never forgot her, I guess I had a crush on her for 31 years. When we started dating, her daughter was naturally part of the package, we were like the 3 musketeers. It could have been difficult, dating a woman with a teenage daughter, but her daughter made it easy, we got along great, she's the one who named me rufiki, after a character in the Lion King. They made me feel great about myself, after being alone for a few years I was pretty down. I wanted to make them feel great too. It seemed like a worthy goal.

[divine1966]

It's not a bad goal but it seems that it becomes kind of detrimental to your own happiness. 19-year-old should have her own life and hanging out with her is kind of too much, I think, and your gf seems to make you life rather hard. I am not sure it's the best way to spend your older years. Just my opinion. What does your therapist say?

[rufiki]

She is worried about my girlfriend and the effect her problems have on me. All my dreams are built on a life with my girlfriend, we were planning on retiring in a year or so, and I've been very excited. But things have been going crazy these last few months and I'm worried our dreams might never come true.

She says my stepdaughter sounds wonderful and I shouldn't worry. Next year she transfers to a 4 year university, and while she'll make mistakes, hopefully they'll all be little ones.

But I made big mistakes when I was her age. So did her mom. So did all my other kids. We all screwed up and threw away our dreams. My stepdaughter cares about the world. She wants to make it better. Nobody I know was like that at 19. I think she can do it. If she doesn't mess her life up like the rest of us.

[rufiki]

Wow, I sound like a stage dad. OK, but I still pray that she gets what she wants out of life. She has so much promise.

[Quarter life]

I probably wouldn't try to address the negative traits with her. Alternatively... lauding her appealing traits and teaching by example might have a more positive effect. She is still quite young and finding her way in the world...she will hopefully learn that we catch more bees with honey.

[rufiki]

Originally Posted by Quarter life

I probably wouldn't try to address the negative traits with her....Probably lauding her appealing traits and teaching by example might have a positive effect. She is still quite young and finding her way in the world...she will hopefully learn that we catch more bees with honey.

I do try to let her know what a good job she is doing, and how proud I am of her. She didn't get enough of that growing up. In fact, last night she was saying how she always wanted to take dance lessons growing up, but her mom's previous partner always said she was too fat. To a 9 year old girl!!! I got very mad at that, though she said it didn't bother her. But what about back then? Oh yes, she said, I cried a lot then. It breaks my heart. So, yes, I give a lot of positive reinforcement, and I try to be the best dad I can to her.

I won't bring this up, I'll wait and hope for the best.

[Terabithia]

I'm sorry for being judgemental, rufiki. It sounds like she actually feels very comfortable with you and that you are good to her. I am actually the last person to give good step parenting advice, except to know what I've done wrong. I love everything Quarter life said.
I wish you well and hope the counseling will help.