[sinking]

This is all so complicated. It' been a long time since i felt this need to talk and get things out, but my dark side suggested me that by not talking i will eventually feel worse and then maybe i'll finally end my life which is something i think i want and have made plans for it, but its taking longer than i thought... i have also tapered my meds for the same reason and it is harder without them, but with meds i dont feel myself, and, as i said, i have other plans. But at the moment i think i still need to survive.... so i really need to get these things out. Nothing big is happening, but put it all together is a bit too much for me right now. And i have nobody else to talk with about it.

Firstly, im learning a new job and its mentally and physically exhausting. I often seriously consider quitting, but finding something else would be even harder, and i need the money so i stick to it.

I have issues with my current T and previous T as well. With current T, i dont like her much, i find her quite judgmental, invalidating and unprofessional. I have tried attending her T group, but it only made me feel worse and resented towards her. With previous T, i keep fluctuating between seeing him as god or “nothing”. And these contrasting feelings leave me feeling torn and guilty.

As for relationships, i have only one friend with whom i cant be me and i need to keep it all superficial. as for guys... i only have a semi-relationship based on fantasies. It is a long distance one too. I have no idea of what could happen, if i could put up living with someone (i really need my alone time and sleeping alone). I have some feelings for him but i dont know what could happen between us in person. I hate kissing and sex not so much... sometimes i think im better off alone, but then i envy others’ normal lives, so im not sure.

About the future... i have my dark plans but i cant deny i have some positive plans too. Should it go well with this guy, what would i do then? I have planned my death all my life, and now? Its really confusing. I have even planned going to visit him.... or another online friend.... these trips would be possible only if i get hired, so everything is connected.

And planning about visiting people is good but also stressing. People scare me. Maybe the connection scares me. Im often plagued by memories of all the meaningful people i’ve had in my life and usually these memories are shameful and overwhelming. Alone, isolated and without any stimulus its easier.... but boring too. So what do i want?

Im also caught up in tv series. I feel they’re my friends and they accompany me during the day. I also imitate some of the characters. Lately i have also seen documentaries on Hitler and the WWII and i’ve found myself obsessed with this too. Getting to know he was a zero and then became who he became, gives me some hope. I am a zero now, maybe in the future i can become someone? Not famous, but a real person?

Thanks to the new job plan, im also thinking about getting my own place, finally. Only that, according to my plans, i’d use it to destroy myself and this is in contrast with planning trips and maybe a life with this guy? So im not sure what to do or even what i want and this is very destabilizing for someone used to planning every detail of her life.

Im also very doubtful about my sexual identity. One night i dreamed about kissing a girl and the night after i dreamed about kissing a boy... and i dont like kissing! I’ve dreamed about having sex only once in my life... and before having sex for the first time, so that was weird. i’ve found reading about asexuality, squishes and aromanticism very comforting. I dont know what i am. What i want or what i want not.

The daughter of my parents’ friend just had a baby. The comparison leaves me feeling a total failure. i do not feel happy for her/them. I envy her (even if i do not want a baby myself right now, maybe later?) and I truly wonder how can my parents be happy for them? is it fake? How can they be sincerely happy for them? dont they make comparisons? Dont they see our family loses against theirs in every aspects? Are they sincere? And if so, how can they be??? They wanted me to congratulate with the granparents too but i refused. my mom then guilt-tripped me saying they have always worried for me. worried??? they deserve congrats and i deserve worry?

Lastly, i feel suffocated by my mom. She is always worried about me, im 35 but she treats me as if i were 10 or 15 maybe? She doesnt do or say anything clearly, but i know what she thinks and what she feels. Its torture. Battling between what i feel/want and what i know she feels/wants. Thats also a big reason for i want out. And what drives me crazy is the different treatment i get and my brother gets. He is younger than me but since he moved out he can be independent, my mom asks nothing from him, while me, since i still live with them, they treat me like a child.

My mom would like me to go to the beach with them.... while im trying to detach myself from them. i think she feels that and she doesnt like it. She would like me to be her little girl forever. She is nostalgic about when we were kids and we would go together to the beach. She asked me, but would never dare asking the same to my brother. This infuriates me. This is not right. Not fair. Im not her possession, not here to make her happy. Even though i know im totally different than she would like me to be, i have tried and i still try to make her happy, but its not my job. Not here to compensate for her unhappiness. And why does she ask that from me and not from my brother? Why?

Thanks for reading...

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry that so much stuff is going on in your life..

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Can you find a therapist who you do like and who is a better fit? Have you been evaluated by a psychiatrist? Are you on medication? It is really concerning that you have plans to end your life and I would encourage you to get help. Is there anybody you can talk to about this, being totally honest with them? It can be so much better for you. I hope you feel better soon.

[Maven]

I'm sorry you're going through so much. I have a lot of issues myself. I understand wanting to be off meds, but what about different mess than the ones you've been on? Maybe they wouldn't make you feel like "not yourself."

My mom treated me like a child, too (for that matter, a lot of people did), but I still loved her and miss her now that she's gone.

[sinking]

Thank you all for answering.

i have tried talking about this with both Ts but T1 probably thinks im just venting and im not serious in spite of having proven him the opposite more than once, and T2 just said "its your life, your choice". i have seen others Ts too but they're all about meds. meds can help, but ultimately they change nothing. i have thought about finding someone else, but i doubt anyone can say anything to change my mind. i think nobody cares, or if they care, its a selfish way to care. but im ok with that, really, i dont expect anyone to "save me" anymore. but thanks for showing concern, Jennifer 1967.

Maven, in spite of complaining about my mom, she is one of the persons i love the most. i hope she knows that, even if i dont show it often...

Thank you for reading and answering. i think i just needed to tell someone how hard life is. how demanding and unrewarding it is for me... i keep thinking maybe if i hold on a little longer it will get better, i'll get the life i want, but im not sure i want a life. it seems just a huge duty... so empty and pointless.