Where Do I Go From Here????????

I recently was in a situation where I attempted to commit suicide while my girlfriend was around. Of course, she broke up with me because of this. My question is really centered around how I movie forward being a productive individual with so many negatives against me.

Backstory:
I used to work a very stressful job. I was in management and did not like the way my career was going. I am only 31 and have had incredible success in the workplace, but with that success came a lot of stress in the management field. I also have a son that suffers from sever autism and I hold very deep feelings and almost blame myself for his condition. To be frank, I feel very insecure about my ability to father children. I love my son more than anything but I fault myself for some reason. I was dating my girlfriend for more than two years and we lived together. Throughout that relationship we ran into some arguing issues. Many people have told me and I sort of believe she was manipulating me. We would have arguements and she would completely check out and leave. This was kind of jarring to me because it would feel like I could not speak my mind or stand up for anything without her leaving. And she would leave she would completely cut me off and not want to talk to me for days. I just couldn’t understand how small arguments would make someone want to stay away for days at a times. I sort of feel like she was doing this to maintain control. We could be hanging out at my house and I might make a joking comment about her work or something, should would get mad. I would then try to stand my ground and she would leave. Along with her leaving and cutting me off many times she would break up with me. For instance, one time she was going to do her normal thing and getting ready to storm out of my house when I said under my breathe “man, I’m tired of this” and she replied back to me and broke up the relationship.

There was a consistent pattern of her breaking up with me. One night she told me I had “sexual dysfunction”. Actually, she screamed it at me. I called her a ***** and she broke up with me again. It’s very weird that she called me out on sexual dysfunction when she was the one that was basically a potato in bed. While the sex was not very satisfying for me, I wasn’t overly concerned because I understand sex doesn’t mean everything(well, I learned it was very important). Anyways, she broke up and we stayed broken up for a few weeks. I was really upset about the breakup and was going out drinking a lot and wound up sleeping with another woman. It honestly was not planned. I was drunk and I’m assuming the woman saw the opportunity so she took it. She was all over me and we had sex. When I came to and realized what I was doing I stopped. It was not enjoyable at all. I really was not interested in having sex with this chick, just wild drunk, smh. Well, my girlfriend and I end up getting back together to my surprise. Everything was going good until the other woman I had sex with told my girlfriend about the night we slept together. So my girlfriend of course broke up with me again. After a few weeks me and my girlfriend got back together. The relationship was pretty much the same it’s just that every time she got made she would throw the fact that I slept with someone else in my face. She would call me a cheater and all other kinds of stuff. Mind you, I have never cheated or had the desire to cheat on a woman ever. I had sex with the woman when we were broken up and did not return any calls or text to her. This is most likely the reason why she told my girlfriend. I had no romantic feelings for anyone other than my girlfriend, I was just depressed and really drunk. Also, I felt horrible and questions my sexual prowess because the last thing I had heard from girlfriend before she dumped me was that I had sexual dysfunction so I was really messed up.

So now fast forward many months later, we start living together. Now, I was a very generous boyfriend. Even before we moved in together I paid her bills and showered her with gifts. We dated for almost three years, I believe I spent more 50k on her in gifts and paying her bills. I paid monthly car notes, cell phones bills, designer bags, hair, nails, the list goes on. When we were living together I believe I paid all the bills. She probably chipped in a few months but I definitely did the heavy lifting there. I really loved her. I mean our relationship was probably dysfunctional, but I loved her and would anything for her.

So how and why did I attempt to commit suicide? Check it
One night we were having a good ole time out drinking. I was incredibly wasted and I’m pretty sure she was just as drunk. She was driving and I was in the passengers seat. We were talking about something and the conversation moved to the plastic surgery she had. I can’t remember the details but I do remember that she said someone thing that got a reaction out of me. I told her that I gave her the money for the plastic surgery she had. She got furious and told me that I did not pay for the surgery. LOL, I PAID FOR EVERYTHING. Who paid for it then? We argued about that and she broke up with me AGAIN! Like really? Just because I stood up for myself and told you straight?

So there I was....damn near broke because my stupid *** helped her pay for all her ********. Somebody who broke up with again. Hated my job....hated myself because I felt like I was responsible for my sons condition. Hated myself also because I started to feel like I really had sexual dysfunction. Hated life because I was with this woman that had no interest in pleasing my sexually. Just did not care. She literally would just lay there. And no appreciation for the things that I did. Even if I didn’t give her a dime, I still would have been one of the most supportive boyfriends around in my opinion. I was literally there for her in every way. Not just financially. So I’m sitting her like....damn this I can’t win. I bust my but at work and accomplish things people my age would only dream of only to get hit in the face with bs on the job. I try to be worlds best dad and my son is just not making improvement. I try to be worlds best boyfriend AND world best dad to my girlfriends son and she breaks up with me. And she tells me I have sexual dysfunction (she actually tried to say that she was joking about that, who jokes about that?).

So I’m like **** it and I go in the back room and try to end myself. That doesn’t work so I try something else. That’s doesn’t work either. She says it’s over again. Now her breaking up with me for that makes sense. I kind of feel like manipulation played a role in my condition though. She basically said I was crazy and dangerous. I also get fired from my job a few months later. So, I attempt suicide, girlfriends breaks up for good, then I lose my job.

Now here is where I am having trouble moving on with my life. Through out the breakup process my ex has made comments saying that because of what I did to myself, she thinks I would hurt her. She basically accused me of potentially doing a murder suicide. I get breaking up with me, but to say I would kill you is a bit much. Especially considering the fact that I have never been aggressive to her or faught her. She also says I’m manipulative. Ok, me wanting to end my life was not an attemp to get back at her. ****. I was crying out for help and didn’t know what to do. Many times throughout the day all of those things she had told me run through my head. I have zero confidence in myself and just feel like a lowlife. I used to be the most respected person around. How is all this possible?

I constantly ask myself....am I manipulative? Do I really have sexual dysfunction? Would I really kill someone? I’m not good enough to make anyone happy?

Add to that, like an idiot I asked her out on a date on my birthday. We were having a good time when the conversation shifted to our relationship and she made a comment “you will never date me.” Uh ok, why come out on a date with me on my birthday and act like that? You could have at least kept that to yourself. I mean, it’s my birthday.

Overall, I don’t know what the heck to do with my life. I’m unemployed, depressed, and have 0 self confidence. How do I move on with my life? I just feel empty. All those crazy comments she has made over the years just keep running through my head. BUT IM THE BAD GUY! I seriously didn’t know what the hell I was doing. Suicide should never be an option, but I was crazy drunk and depressed. Sorry for this being so long. I just wanted to paint picture so someone can understand. Maybe I am a crappy person. I don’t know. Maybe I am all those things she says I am. Maybe I don’t deserve anyone or anything. I don’t know. Why can’t my ex just say “hey man, you’re not that bad of a person, it’s just not going to work between us. You have a good heart, but it didn’t work”. Instead all I hear is “murder suicide” “manipulative” “controlling”. I almost feel like I’m in jail.