[lonelyone]

Hi, y'all. It happened again, I think. I opened my mouth and now something I've said has been misconstrued. I was at a sporting event where an "athlete" messed up on an important element, anger rose, and she said "******". That's what I interpreted her to say as well as the others around me who gasped and snickered. Well, the mom of this athlete ran into me in the hallway with her friend and said how she was angry at the fact that her daughter athlete showed anger in front of everyone. Well, I opened my mouth and inserted foot and said something like, "Yeah, I think she said ******!" This mom so no, no, she said Shh. Well, I thought it was quite funny and didn't think anything of it. Well she tried calling my house 5 times last night by my caller ID. When I called her back, she said she wanted to know who was spreading this rumor that her daughter said ******. I said I told her that I wasn't spreading any rumor and that I only talked to her about it. Well, she went on and on about how some other girl athlete was telling everyone that I told her about the swearing and when I said I would confront this girl today when I saw her, the mom quickly said that it was me or some other lady that this girl couldn't remember which. I was so infuriated because I had a hard day that day and I laid into saying that it was obvious her daughter swore and that anyone who told her they didn't see it was just lying about it to make her feel better. SHe was sitting amongst her friends and they probably didn't want to say anything whereas I was sitting in a different section with people who didn't know her. I said everyone around me "gasped in horror" after it was uttered (which they did). Now, I'm afriad when I see all these other parents today, that someone is going to bring it up. What should I do? I hung up on her as she kept pressing the issue on the phone and I shouted that her daughter did swear, get over it, and blah blah blah.

I'm thnking she should apologize to me for even suggesting this thing. It was very obvious her daughter said this. She asid her daughter said she didn't and was crying all day yesterday. Well, that's not my problem. I haven't been spreading "rumors."

It's getting to thepoint that I don't even feel like talking to anyone because it seems people take things the wrong way or out of context or are justplain troublemakers. I really meant no harm as I just agreed with the mom that her daughter did show anger and that she said the sh word!

That gets 'em every time....if you can stomach doing it! Just to stop the current tension, here's what I would do. I'd call that grumpy mom, and say, "Listen, perhaps I was wrong and misheard. The game WAS loud. It's obvious how much you love your daughter, and I'm sure this has been upsetting for both of you. I'm sorry if I had any part in that. I wish you both the best." The end!

That way, you come out looking like the good guy. And in the long run...who cares if she swore? It's just about making peace in the community now, and putting this behind you so you can relax and enjoy life. You did nothing wrong, the mom overreacted, but sometimes that's what mom's do! That get over-protective of their kids. The girl obviously isn't supposed to swear, so she's fibbing to mom. Tense household, no? Glad I'm not there. So you'd be helping out their homelife, helping out yourself, and the whole world will be less stressed out! :-)

Think it's possible?

Emmy

"Compassion is my religion" - The Dalai Lama

[dexter]

lonelyone... don't beat yourself up over this. I realize that communites are different and have different standards, but from where I sit I can't believe there is such a fuss over this that it should last for more than 10 minutes after the game.

What is making this a big deal is her mother "following up" and calling people about it. If she just dropped it, it might have been forgotten by now. Making a deal of it is her problem, not yours.

As for a resolution, I agree with emily... that might diffuse the situation if you can do it.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[dexter]

Thinking about this even more... whether someone is spreading rumors or not, why is this mother blaming others rather than taking issue with her own daughter's actions?

Clearly her daughter is not allowed to use such language. Whether the daughter talks like that privately or not, she knows better than to speak that way in front of her mother or in public. The fact that she lost her composure at a public event enough to either utter that word or to come close to it (or does the mother think that her daughter was telling the audience to be quiet AFTER she "messed up"?) shows maybe a lack of judgement or maybe even bad sportsmanship.

The mother should be more concerned with that than whether or not she did or did not utter a specific word... let alone whether or not OTHERS are saying she said that word.

Sounds like the mother is in severe denial. And needs to confront others to prevent her own little fantasy world from collapsing.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[lonelyone]

But everyone thank you for your advice so far. I'm sure in a few days I'll feel better about it. It's just so frustrating to be misunderstood, again. Guess I should just keep my mouth shut. See, I really don't like people that much because most people really are annoying and rude and only look out for themselves. Sometimes I get the feeling that maybe I'm the crazy one because I do try to be so considerate of others and then I get stepped on or whatever. You know, people blocking shopping aisles with their carts. One example. Why can't they keep their cart to the right like I do? Why can't people use their turn signals when I'm waiting for them to drive by and instead they make a turn so I'm struck in traffic a minute longer? Just little things like that that I do for others don't seem to be reciprocated.

Thanks for letlting me vent.

[dexter]

Or walking in a crowd of people, and someone in the "flow" sees someone or something they want to stop and talk to or look at... and instead of schooching to the side they stop dead in their tracks, so that no none behind them can go anywhere. Duh. (I was in a crowd of wall-to-wall people this weekend ).

We obviously can't control what others do but by being considerate, lonelyone, you are doing your part toward making the world a better place. Many people think "well no one else is considerate, so why should I be?" If everyone felt that way it would be impossible to get anywhere in this world. If everyone felt "Well, at least I know better and I'll do my part" then wouldn't this be a friendly world to live in?

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--http://www.idexter.com

[dexter]

Anyone want to know the worst thing I ever said to someone? It is pretty brutal but was just a slip of the tongue. Long story though (as if anything I ever have to say is short ).

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--http://www.idexter.com

[lonelyone]

Sure, I'll bite. What was the worst thing you ever said to anyone?

[dexter]

This was many years ago. I had a close friend that was in the middle of a terrible family trauma. Suicide in the family, then one year later their mother fell ill and was in a coma for a very long time. Just at the point where it seemed as if there might have been some progress with her condition, she died.

I was friends with the whole family but primarily with the younger son. Ironically he was the "stoic" one in the family and while others expressed their grief, he held his back, so the family put a lot of burden on him, with chores etc, because he was seemingly OK. In some cases they were even putting a lot of guilt on him... HORRIBLY inappropriate, but no one seemed to notice or care because the older brother was such an emotional mess that everyone was trying to ease his pain.

I helped the family wherever I could... I helped them cook sometimes or took the younger brother on errands when his father or brother were busy with other things. I looked at this not only as a way to ease the family burden but also to get the younger brother away from the homestead whenever I could... give him a chance to talk if he wanted to, or just to forget what was going on for a little while, because at home it was all about the stress of the hospitalization, visits, doctors, etc. 24/7.

So once in a while I would even try to take the guy on a trip to have some fun or at least a distraction. This was tough because the whole family mindset was that if they weren't worried and suffering, then they wouldn't be "doing their job"... i.e. if they enjoyed themselves for a moment they would feel guilty afterward.

So one day I decided to take him and a friend, along with another friend of mine, to a theme park for the day... for a day out and for some rides (I was just at the beginning of my growing rollercoaster career at that point ). I tried to subtly let him know that it was OK for him to have fun for the day, he didn't have to think about his mother all day every day, and didn't have to worry about what his family would think if he wasn't thinking of his mother all day every day.

So we had a great day... riding the rollercoasters, joking around, having fun... no discussion of anything "down" just a day out. And at one point we were teasing each other about something, I don't remember what, but we were laughing and he said he was going to make me do something. So I quipped back "Oh yea? You and what army!"

Only what came out of my mouth was "Oh yea? You and what mother?"

No freakin' kidding. Can't even imagine what circuits got crossed in my brain to make that slide to my vocal cords.

You can't imagine how grim the rest of the day was. No one spoke. I tried to lighten things up again but he had just shut down. He still went on all the rides and everyone got into the spirit again, but he just went along with a blank expression on his face.

Can't believe how bad I felt. I was able to talk to him about it a few days later... I knew he understood I didn't say it to be mean... it was just an unrecoverable slip.



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--http://www.idexter.com

[lunarC]

gosh dexter! you must have wanted the ground to swallow you up! poor thing!
your storey minded me of a phenomenon we talked about when i was training to be a teacher of english as a foreign language. you will often find in every class a student who is very shy and hates to be singled out in class. of cause you will be concerned about your student and will want to encourage them so its important to ask them only the questions you are certain they will be able to answer. it can be guaranteed that at some point you will ask that poor shy student the most difficult question of the day! it happened to me once duing a game. the poor girl looked so panicked and she scratched her hand and drew blood! i have never felt so awful about anything! it was horrible.

i kind of imagine that its like your subconscious is there in the back ground saying 'OK. i dont want you to say X. whatever you do dont say it. ok? right....dont say it...dont say it...dont say it....dont SAY it...dont SAY IT....dont SAY IT... SAY IT.. SAY IT...AHHH! NO what are you doing!! you said it???!!! .....you said it!.....i was telling you NOT to say it! !
i cant believe you just say it!

its quite funny in a way. there is an old sit-com in the UK i think it is known in the US its called 'faulty towers'. in one some german people come to stay in the hotel. the owner, basil faulty, keeps telling himself 'dont mention the war....dont mention the war...' then when he goes to serve them dinner he keeps on making freudian slips that refer to the war which leads to tears naturally!

it makes you wonder what else you subconscious it screaming at you NOT to do!

ｱﾘｶﾞﾄ♪(*'-^)-☆

[dexter]

Just for reference, Fawlty Towers is considered absolutely classic here in the US by many people, as are many "old" British comedies. (And it usually doesn't work out when we try to "remake" them here, with some exceptions).

One of my fav Fawtly Towers bits was when John Cleese was working on some paperwork in the office, listening to classical music, and his domineering wife comes in and says something like "why must you always have this racket on" and he apologizes and turns it off, then mutters under his breath "That was Brahm's Third Racket to be specific"

I'm currently not seeing any AbFab reruns on any of my channels here and I miss them. I did see a few of the newer episodes.

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--http://www.idexter.com