Moving In, Extra Roommate?

I am moving in with my SO this month (August). It's been an ongoing discussion of when this would happen and we started talking about it at the start of the year. I am really happy that now it's finally happening. It took me a long time for me to convince my parents to let me move in with him, so it was by no means an easy milestone to hit.

His place has two bedrooms and one bathroom. Currently he's letting his brother-in-law stay in the extra room for a month while his place is being renovated. It's just a temporary situation before I move in, I'm totally chill with it.

Now I am presented with a choice. He has a coworker who is in a pretty rough financial situation and needs some help. She's been given some good job offers and one of them is in the city where my boyfriend lives. She was wondering if she accepts that job offer, would she be able to rent the extra room starting in October for ~3-5 months while she looks for another place? She has a cat.

My SO asked me if I would be okay with her renting the extra room. I honestly don't know if it is worth the extra rental income (my SO doesn't even want to charge her much because her difficult financial position) for this more complicated living situation. I understand that it would be doing her a HUGE favor. She is a very nice person, don't get me wrong, I do want to help her out. I'm just worried about potential roommate drama that will hurt friendships. We'll have three people sharing one bathroom--which is not impossible, just a bit of a hassle. The kitchen is also rather tiny, it would be physically impossible for us to all cook at the same time. And even though I like cats (I saw pictures of her cat and he looks absolutely adorable), I know it can be difficult cleaning up cat fur and taking care of a pet. Would the cat become restless being locked up in her room all day? We'd also only have three parking spots. One person has to do street parking every day.

I have all of these worries about this potential new roommate situation. And there is no definite timeline for how long she is staying. If things don't go well, I don't want this to put a strain on my relationship with my SO. What are your guys' thoughts/opinions on this. Do you think I should do the right thing and help out a needy friend? Or should I be selfish and say sorry but I wanted to have the place to just me and my SO?

Have you talked about this with your SO? I think that's mandatory, to begin with.. you must be honest with him about your feelings.

What fears do you have, exactly? What do you think could happen?

If you have three parking places why would one of you park on
The street? Did you mean two? Well for sure she needs to park on the street. Not you

We live in two bedroom. No way no how my DH would move a coworker in. Absolutely no. I'd stay in my own place. I see like a week but 5 months? She might not even move out in
A year! Certainly I'd let family member stay with us if needed. But coworkers? No.

You might want to talk this over with your SO. I'm leaning towards no. You are just now moving in with your SO. You need time to acclimate and not have a stranger move in starting in October for 3 months. That just sounds like a recipe for resentment and bother. If you do decide to let her move in, she should be the one to park on the street and cats aren't that bad to have around. Good luck and best wishes.

If she has a good job offer, then she will shortly have the ability to pay for her own place to live, if she doesn't have that already.

If she has a short term liquidity problem, an option would be to lend her some money if she does not have access to short term borrowing from a credit card. I personally would not do that either, but lending her some money would be far, far less intrusive than taking her in.

I find this to be really quite unreasonable. But the fact is that it will be very difficult to kick her out, no matter what the stated, "definite" timeline might be, if she is not ready to leave.

And it should not take 3-5 months to find a new place.

Personally I would not see this plan as a favor so much as an imposition. People who move to new cities to accept good job find their own places to live. That comes with the territory. She can ask her new employer for help with finding a new place. That would be much more reasonable in my view.

Aside from all of the above, it took so much effort and time to get to live with him, and you two have had your hearts set on this for so long, that it pains me to think of you having any roommate, much less a co-worker, being present in your intimacy.

I read this last night, but i wanted to see what other people said before i answered. Find a new boyfriend, i think this one is taken.

Bill has a good idea about lending her money. But he is likely will not see it back.

I also agree that it doesn't take 3-5 days or no definite time frame to get an apartment. When I left my ex boyfriend 3 years ago I was out in my own apartment in exactly 30 days. And it was only because I wanted a certain area/quality of apartment and I bought all new furniture, otherwise I'd be out in a week. Years ago when my daughter still lived at home, we moved to a new apartment in less than a month, few weeks, and again I needed certain school district/area and quality of a place plus again I was purchasing new furniture. Otherwise wouldn't even need that long.

Why does this single childless coworker needs that long to rent an apartment?

We think alike. I thought that too. He is moving two females into his apartment, which one is a girlfriend?

I asked myself what SO could possibly be thinking, to put connect in this position. I myself would not feel treasured if I were in her shoes.

And this is the SO who, in June, was partying with co-workers on his 30th birthday rather than reserving any time that evening for connect. But then again, perhaps the SO, though 30, is tone deaf and/or immature. Some might give him the benefit of the doubt.

Still, if I were connect, I would not feel treasured under this arrangement and therefore I myself would not accept it. If the co-worker is moving in, I would stay with my parents.

I agree with divine. Though I would ask for the money back, I could accept that the money, in reality, was a contribution to helping this person out, if that is what I felt was the right thing to do.

One other thing to consider is what legal rights you are granting the co-worker by allowing her to move in. This should be discussed with an attorney. It could be that it is, as a practical matter, nigh unto impossible to evict her once she is there.

connect, I'm very sorry that you have to deal with this proposal at what should be a completely happy time.

Wow, so much feedback. Thank you guys.

Some points of clarification:
1) Yes, I meant 2 parking spaces. Typed that wrong.
2) This coworker is actually a good friend to both of us. She's also currently in a relationship. Her boyfriend has to temporarily work out of state. This is why she would stay for 3-5 months, because depending on when her boyfriend returns that's when she would look for a new place with her boyfriend. Dual income makes it more possible for her to rent a different place.
3) No, my boyfriend doesn't see her as a romantic interest. It's very clear she's not his type (different ethnicity), she's in a relationship, and he's not looking elsewhere for a serious relationship. I have no qualms about this.
4) I realize I listed a lot of cons. Some pro's for her moving in would be that she's someone who has experience with graduate school. My SO is starting grad school this fall and he's not sure about how he will handle the immense amount of stress that comes with juggling full-time work and studying. She could offer valuable insights and also keep me company on nights when he has class late until 9 PM.
5) I don't think lending her money would be the answer. That might actually make her feel guilty borrowing our money. She's the type of person who would rather it be in some form of an exchange (even if it's a bargain deal).
6) My SO is also going to be taking on student loans for graduate school. So needless to say, he could use some extra income here and there. She knows that his tuition is not cheap, so that's another reason she'd be less inclined to borrow money from us.
7) I do worry it would be hard to ask her to move out if it becomes longer than 5 months. There would be no easy way to handle that since she's a good friend to us.

I think overall, I already know how I feel. It looks like you guys agree that I shouldn't go through with this arrangement. There may be other ways to help her, just not at the cost of building my own relationship. We usually just pick up the bill when we go out to eat as a group. Small things.

Thanks for providing more details. I am glad you are leaning against not letting her move in (does he really need this woman to live with you give him an insight re graduate school and do you really need her company when he is in school?).

I am a bit concerned about your SO paying her bill at the restaurant rather than her own SO. I understand he isn't romantically into her but I'd be concerned that her own SO isn't helping her with money, but yours does. I'd be apprehensive if my DH paid coworkers' restaurant bills. When I am broke, I don't go out. I am also surprised she feels it's wrong to borrow money from you but isn't wrong moving in with romantic couple and be fifth wheel?

Make sure you two aren't being used by this girl

Thanks for filling in more details.

It troubles me that they would ask to move in with you and your SO rather than simply accept that they might need to rent a smaller place for a year while they are living apart. That does not strike me as a financial problem.

I am glad that your inclination is to not go through with the proposed arrangement.

Wow, harsh people here. Let's not help friends in desperate situations. Let's think the worse of them and be selfish. No wonder so many people are homeless and without resorces. Those that have are too selfish to help.

Really?

I suggested to give her money. I don't see how she is desperate. She goes out with them and accepts her male coworker to pay for her meal. When I was in financial struggle no way I'd go to restaurants and eat and be glad someone pats my bill. That's ridiculous. She also doesn't sound like she wants to rent her own small place but wants to wait for her SO so they can get bigger place. She clearly isn't homeless. She is getting a good job and can rent her own small place. Shed rather not. And she could stop eating out, but she'd rather not, she lets OP's SO pay for her. She sounds like a user

So far, I have seen no evidence that the friend is in a desperate situation.

She doesn't go out to eat all the time. It's rare occasions when we are in a group setting with 6+ people. We split the bill and offer to pick up her portion. Everyone pitches in, it's not just my SO paying for her.

She doesn't like it when we pay for her, but we're all friends and want her to come with us and enjoy a Friday evening. She works hard, she's not someone who expects others to pay for her.

Her SO also has a chronic health condition. I'm sure he does pay for her, it's just that he doesn't usually go out with us when he is feeling in pain.

I agree her situation is not in desperate need. She could rent her own place, but it would cost ~$500 per month more to rent from someone who she doesn't know. We would simply helping her save some of her hard-earned money. I think her new job's salary may be slightly below average earning income in this area, so that's why she can't afford to rent from a 3rd party at regular rates.

Now if it wasn't for me moving in with my SO, I'd say this scenario would be a win-win for her and my SO. He'd get a little rent income, and she'd have an affordable place to stay. I am being biased here because it took me so long to be able to move in with him and I do want to try living with him for a few months on our own to see how we get along living together as a couple. He is going to have a lot of changes in his work schedule and school schedule. I'm going to be looking for a new job. So on top of all these changes, having an extra roommate would make it difficult for me to see if my SO and I have problems living together. It might even make small issues worse because we might feel awkward talking it out with someone else living with us.

I'm trying to be fair. She's a good friend, but not my best friend. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. There are no underlying schemes going on here.

If she feels guilty about accepting money for nothing, perhaps you can offer her the chance to give the money back when she's in a better situation? According to her own times of course. Perhaps you two don't want those money back, but if she wants to give something back, that seems reasonable.

Or if money is too much for her, even other kind of favors from time to time. Nothing major..

I can't figure out if your SO just hasn't thought this out,
Doesn't understand the difference between roomies and co-habiting?
Has thought it through, does understand but just isn't bothered?

It doesn't take a young, single, professional 3-5 months to find accommodation.(granted the cat may cause some issues.)
Legally, will you be able to make her leave once her time is up?
Is this really what you want for your first few months together?

Incidentally ,no she doesn't have to have equal parking privileges....your doing her a massive favour.

Family is entirely different. And what's concerning me is WHY is she finding it so hard to get accommodation?
Most companies who bring in out of state or foreign employees have recommendations for places to stay.

Dunno just feels...hinky.

Are you a bit of a pushover that you even consider such arrangement. Is SO feeding you stories? Are you very young? Since you still have curfew at your parents, you must be much younger than SO. Maybe your age and lack of experience doesn't let you see how ridiculous it is that he even suggest that.

Why can't she rent a small apartment if she makes slightly above average? She CAN. Sure it might not be fancy place but she can find one. She wants to save money living with you. Hm. Must be nice.

What confuses me though why are you even considering it. I honestly have never heard of a woman being ok with her SO bringing his female coworker living with them. He is 30. Grown man. Why is he behaving like a teen.

Make sure you had serious discussion with him. Otherwise he will move her in
and it will be a disaster.

Ok let's take what you have said as a given.
It's all sound and above board.
She is a good friend with a clean record.

She moves in, and from the sounds of it you will see more of her than your SO.
But you get on so that's fine.
Your SO is getting in late cos he is working his *** off.
How do you get time out just the two of you, without having her kind of 3rd wheeling in the background.

Temptation to pour your heart out too her if you and him have any bumps must be avoided at all cost.
Piggy in the middle sux, and always breeds mistrust.

Problems that may occur. She is saving money by staying with you. Before she was just content getting someplace she can afford.
What if in 5 months she comes and says "this is great and everything but if you can give me a couple more months I can get 'this other place.' It's a little dearer, but it's so much better because of a,b&c."

What do you do then?

I am not implying this is malicious in anyway, but boundaries like this are blurry.
She is your friend, you want what's best for her, And hey is this what friends do?
Problem is this is often when friendships get uncomfortable and break up too.

Only can really know what's best for you.
Really hope all works out, either way.

I feel like my story is being twisted in all sorts of directions. I mean what I say in my fact pattern in the most straightforward way possible. I'm not writing in riddles to have you guys guess if I'm in distress and need an out of this relationship or anything. I'm perfectly happy with my SO.

I don't see why my age, his maturity level, or even his fidelity are being called into question. I have a curfew with my parents because they are overprotective of me. That is all. It has nothing to do with me being an inexperienced teenager. I have a lot of trust in my SO because I know he's not unfaithful to me. I understand he cares about his friends. She's not just some random female coworker to him. She's a friend who happens to work at his company.

Sure you can call me a pushover or naive for having so much trust. Or you can call me someone who is concerned about another person's well-being. I understand how hard it is to get your life straight without financial traction. She's making slightly below average income. She's not someone who feels entitled to nice things...quite the opposite. I'm not making excuses for her, I'm not saying she can't do things on her own, but I do want things to work out for her. I would like to help her, but I've come to terms that I don't think I can help her with her living situation.

I am glad you came to terms that her living with you two isn't a good idea. Smart move

Maybe if you had a large house, you can rent a room out, but not in a two bedroom apartment: sharing a bathroom and a kitchen and a living room. You probably would have to worry to even make noise during sex because she'll hear behind the wall. I don't think your SO has malicious intent. I just honestly have never heard of a man (professional adult, not 20 year old) in a romantic relationship wanting to bring another female to share living space with his girlfriend or a wife. I know a lot of people. Never heard of such thing. That's why my reaction was largely: WHAT???

Glad you are making smart choices.

So I'm curious, if it had been a male friend, would your judgment of the situation have been different?

I think people might consider this strange, but when he sees a friend in need, he sees them regardless of their gender.

You're right that having a third person sharing the kitchen and bathroom is just... @_@

Speaking from experience and from general knowledge, women typically are more territorial about places like kitchen and bathroom and decoration of a place etc Men tend to be more easy going about these things. Typically grown women (not college age girls living in dorms temporarily while in college) don't want to share their kitchens with other women or other women decorating their living room or have make up in their bathroom etc You want to build a household with your man, not with your man and another woman.

I know you said your lack of experience doesn't matter. But it does. You only lived with your parents. You never lived with other people, people you aren't related to. Not only you'll be living with a man the first time, but there will be another woman living there. You might not even envision how it's going to work out.

She isn't in need though imho. She might not be able to have a certain life style but it's not a need. People with below average income still find places. Maybe not as good as your place though. It's a "want", not a need.

On the other hand it sounds that helping this woman is a great concern for you and your SO and you believe she is in real need. Maybe it's wise for him to move her in and you stay with your parents because you have a place to live and she doesn't. Eventually she'll hopefully move out. I know it sounds kind of ridiculous. But so is your SO's proposal.