[Artchic528]

I should honestly start at the beginning, so here it goes. Warning, this post may be on the long side.

Around the fall of 2014, a group of online friends and I decided to break off of an existing forum for anime and manga discussion due to the super restrictive management therein, and create our own forum.

Well, the short version of the story at this point goes that I honestly had a complete and utter meltdown when one of the group whom I had feelings for, never quite returned them in kind. I took the rejection rather severely, had a psychological tailspin of a breakdown, and they severed all ties with me.

Well, all except one, a guy from Budapest, Hungary who had been witness to it all and sort of took a backseat and let things blow over, but still maintained contact with me from time to time. A few months went by and he invited me to join a group chat room via Chatango and again, the atmosphere lead me to have another psychological breakdown.

I've since made the decision that anime and manga based chatrooms and forums aren't healthy and I should avoid them due the near constant drama they exude. The guy from Hungary emailed me after I left to see if I was okay, I replied that I was okay and that I made the decision to abstain from those aforementioned places online, and nothing more was said between us for a long time. Several months I'd say.

Then a few days ago, low and behold, he emailed me again on the pretense that he was feeling nostalgic for the olden days. I couldn't for the life of me understand why anyone would feel nostalgic for the times when I felt my worst, but whatever. He and I shared our Skype information and now we are chatting on a daily basis on Skype.

The kicker is, shortly before my second psychological break, via the Chatango chatroom, he admitted that he felt aroused whenever I began to become "powerful". He and I began a private chat, and he admitted at the time that he was unsure of how he felt about me at the time. Fast forward to a couple days ago, and he now admits he's attracted to me and my "power".He says nobody else makes him feel the way I do.

How do I feel about him? Well, in the beginning I didn't really feel that way about him, but the more we talked, the more I began to feel something. He and I have a lot in common. We both like Sci Fi, gaming and anime and manga.

I honestly don't feel that there are any red flags because he's never done anything to arouse suspicion before. He's always been kind and decent toward me, always a good friend, always there to talk to. He's never asked anything of me that would be considered suspicious aka asked for my private information (SSN, bank account number, or for money). Not that I would willingly give these out to anyone anyways.

Now we haven't exactly declared ourselves "in a relationship" with one another yet, but we have decided to just have fun with one another and do our best to build a good solid foundation. No pressure or anything. I'm not looking for a quick and sudden "boyfriend/girlfriend" status now a days at any rate. I'd rather just enjoy what I have with whomever and not worry about labels until necessary.

I guess what I'm trying to get at here, is can a relationship this distant even be feasible? Can it work out or is it doomed from the start because we live so far apart and in different parts of the world?

[divine1966]

It could work if you can afford and plan to see each other traveling to each other countries or meeting in neutral locations. It's doable even if very hard. If however all you can have is online interactions then personally I don't think it's a relationship or dating or has a potential. Just my view on it.

[Sunflower123]

I agree with divine. I'm sorry you went through such a tough time. Best wishes.

[Artchic528]

Thanks guys. I'm trying to be realistic but at the same time am letting things take their course. I'm not in any hurry this time around.

[Erebos]

Hmm, I am resisting the urge to mutter 'green card.'
But I am a cynic, and my thought process always goes to the negative.

To your questions, it can work, but it's hard work, if you want to meet a couple of times a year.
Is that going to be enough in the long term.

If it's just online, then agree with previous posters, that doesn't constitute a relationship imho. No matter how intense it feels.

Whatever happens I wish you all the best Art. You deserve some good luck.

Statistically long term relationships don't usually work out. With that said there are exceptions to every rule. I have no doubt there are couples out there who are happier in an Internet relationship than they would be without it. Statistics only tell us so much. I don't see why you can't keep the relationship while being honest and letting this person know you are still looking for love and in person companionship. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. (((Hugs)))

[Artchic528]

A little update...

We've been talking everyday for a little over a week, and of course the idea of how to find a way to be together IRL has come up. He wants to buy a one way ticket to come live in the US. I can't help but have one dominate feeling, and one tiny little feeling that nags at me from the back of my head.

First feeling is of course, feeling guilty that he'd give up everything he knows and loves just to come here and be with me. We haven't made any plans yet, being that what we have right now (a relationship?) is in it's early stages, but we have brought it up in passing. It's always been him coming to be with me. Never the other way around.

It isn't that we just began talking to one another last Wednesday, he and I have talked and known each other since before I even joined these forums. He said he had a huge crush on me for a long time and was too afraid of the age difference (he's 24 and I'm 33) to really say anything. Plus, he's very shy and inexperienced with these sorts of things because I'm basically the first girl to respond back to him in a romantic way.

It was the night that I first (and lastly) self harmed that he said he didn't see me as some sort of dark monster, but a sad and lonely woman who was full of stress and fear. He said he wanted to just take all my pain and suffering and somehow absorb it into himself. He said that I make him feel like no one else has ever made him feel before.

It was that night, in his confession that I realized how much he meant to me. That he and I are looking for the same things in life. We are so compatible. We play Diablo II together, talk for hours on end (about anything and everything), we both were so anxious and nervous our first time voice chatting that we kept on procrastinating it until we decided to do it and get over our nerves. We both have Auditory Processes sing Disorder, or something similar. Plus, our astrology signs are highly compatible too.

However, there is a nagging feeling deep inside of me. Is it all too good to be true? Can it all be some trick or ploy feeding off of my vulnerabilities? I mean, would he just be using me to escape his home where he has almost no space to himself. I mean, the rooms are just sheets dividing sleeping areas.

I don't know...I'm just so unsure of everything right now...

[Erebos]

From experience, I know it can work.
My fella and I knew each other for 2 years through online gaming.
He lives 30 miles away, which isn't that far, but far enough if you don't have a cat.
We waited until we met before making any decisions about relationship.

However, once we started talking about meeting, that's when he disclosed some serious information.

He has a very serious criminal conviction, from ten years ago, but he was still on licence. And still is.
If anyone had suggested to me he was capable of what he did, I would have laughed at them.

That was a year ago, we are still together now, still living apart but we see each other each week.

Your situation differs that once he is with you, he won't simply be able to return home if it doesn't work out.

You might be forced into a living arrangement before you even really know him.
I have been physically seeing my partner for a year we still only see each other 2 days a week.

Also he wouldn't be massively improving his living standards by moving in with me.

That one way ticket comment, would really be setting my awareness from green to Amber. It might have seemed like a romantic gesture to you, to me it sounded opportunistic, and premeditated.

Ask him how he would feel about you going there instead. Never mind how unlikely, really try and sell the idea to him. Do some research tell him why you'd love to go there, see what he says.

It's a horrible thing when the place you live Mrs it hard to tell what stone wants from you.

The cynic in me wants you to be very careful.
But I also wish you all the best.

[Erebos]

I want to add, Art, I am not trying to rain on your parade, I have got to know you a little from your posts on here and I worry.
I just want you to be cautious, your heart often allows you to get swept away in things. Don't mistake me though, I would love for this to be as genuine as it sounds, and have a happy ever after.

I could be wrong, but my gut says no about this. 24 is really young. I read someplace the brain doesn't stop developing till age 25. He lives in another country. I'm questioning why he wants the ticket to be one way, and not just to come for a visit to see if it will work out. Question. What did he mean when he said he gets turned on when you get powerful? What does that mean? Sorry to be a downer.

[divine1966]

Absolutely no. First of all he can't just come live in the US. He needs legal paperwork.

He won't be able to work. Even if you marry him it will take awhile to obtain green card. In a meanwhile he wont be able to work. So who'll support him? You live with your parents. Will they support him? Would they even allow this stranger to move in? I doubt they would. You don't know him, so how do you expect to share house with him?

I also don't buy his story about sheets separating sleeping areas. Maybe this guy lives in this bizarre ways but it's not a norm in Hungary. Sure it's not a wealthy country but people don't live with sheets instead of walls. Dude tells you sob stories.

Absolutely no to him buying one way tickets to the US.

I worry if you allow it and this guy just shows up it will be hard to get rid of him. He'd say he has no money to go back to Hungary. It's going to be a mess. Your safety might be in danger.

[IT_Nerd]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

I should honestly start at the beginning, so here it goes. Warning, this post may be on the long side.

Around the fall of 2014, a group of online friends and I decided to break off of an existing forum for anime and manga discussion due to the super restrictive management therein, and create our own forum.

Well, the short version of the story at this point goes that I honestly had a complete and utter meltdown when one of the group whom I had feelings for, never quite returned them in kind. I took the rejection rather severely, had a psychological tailspin of a breakdown, and they severed all ties with me.

Well, all except one, a guy from Budapest, Hungary who had been witness to it all and sort of took a backseat and let things blow over, but still maintained contact with me from time to time. A few months went by and he invited me to join a group chat room via Chatango and again, the atmosphere lead me to have another psychological breakdown.

I've since made the decision that anime and manga based chatrooms and forums aren't healthy and I should avoid them due the near constant drama they exude. The guy from Hungary emailed me after I left to see if I was okay, I replied that I was okay and that I made the decision to abstain from those aforementioned places online, and nothing more was said between us for a long time. Several months I'd say.

Then a few days ago, low and behold, he emailed me again on the pretense that he was feeling nostalgic for the olden days. I couldn't for the life of me understand why anyone would feel nostalgic for the times when I felt my worst, but whatever. He and I shared our Skype information and now we are chatting on a daily basis on Skype.

The kicker is, shortly before my second psychological break, via the Chatango chatroom, he admitted that he felt aroused whenever I began to become "powerful". He and I began a private chat, and he admitted at the time that he was unsure of how he felt about me at the time. Fast forward to a couple days ago, and he now admits he's attracted to me and my "power".He says nobody else makes him feel the way I do.

How do I feel about him? Well, in the beginning I didn't really feel that way about him, but the more we talked, the more I began to feel something. He and I have a lot in common. We both like Sci Fi, gaming and anime and manga.

I honestly don't feel that there are any red flags because he's never done anything to arouse suspicion before. He's always been kind and decent toward me, always a good friend, always there to talk to. He's never asked anything of me that would be considered suspicious aka asked for my private information (SSN, bank account number, or for money). Not that I would willingly give these out to anyone anyways.

Now we haven't exactly declared ourselves "in a relationship" with one another yet, but we have decided to just have fun with one another and do our best to build a good solid foundation. No pressure or anything. I'm not looking for a quick and sudden "boyfriend/girlfriend" status now a days at any rate. I'd rather just enjoy what I have with whomever and not worry about labels until necessary.

I guess what I'm trying to get at here, is can a relationship this distant even be feasible? Can it work out or is it doomed from the start because we live so far apart and in different parts of the world?

Having been online since before the visual web even existed (and been involved in two LDRs), I've seen this a lot with people. The basic answer is no. It's not a real relationship. It's a fantasy. And, frankly, speaking, maintaining a relationship w/ someone across the world is a near impossibility. Being in the presence of someone constantly is what forges a real bond. Doing the LDR thing, esp online, is a way to avoid a lot of uncomfortable things. Being present with someone and relating to them remotely are two completely different things. It's not healthy, especially at your age. You need to get out and explore people around you, IMO.

[seesaw]

No no no no no. bright red flags, all over.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Absolutely no. First of all he can't just come live in the US. He needs legal paperwork.

He won't be able to work. Even if you marry him it will take awhile to obtain green card. In a meanwhile he wont be able to work. So who'll support him? You live with your parents. Will they support him? Would they even allow this stranger to move in? I doubt they would. You don't know him, so how do you expect to share house with him?

I also don't buy his story about sheets separating sleeping areas. Maybe this guy lives in this bizarre ways but it's not a norm in Hungary. Sure it's not a wealthy country but people don't live with sheets instead of walls. Dude tells you sob stories.

Absolutely no to him buying one way tickets to the US.

I worry if you allow it and this guy just shows up it will be hard to get rid of him. He'd say he has no money to go back to Hungary. It's going to be a mess. Your safety might be in danger.

Then what am I going to do? I made a promise to myself that I won't hurt anyone else. I already had a really tough time after I told a guy it wasn't working out. I can't do that again.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by seesaw

No no no no no. bright red flags, all over.

Oh.....why?

This situation is no good at all. You are too smart to fall for this. Something is very wrong about your thinking on this and if you can't see it you need help fast. Professional help. Your safety is on the line as is the safety of the people you live with. You need to talk to a professional because if it's not this guy it will be another. I don't mean to sound harsh and I know I do. id rather be harsh than saying nothing. Don't go there either. If he wants to visit and has enough money for a hotel that would be one thing. You are far too smart for this and I hope you listen to the people on this thread encouraging you to protect yourself.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

Oh.....why?

What everyone is saying. He wants to buy a one way ticket? He lives in a house with sheets splitting the rooms but can afford and international ticket? And he can afford Internet to chat with you every day? But he lives with sheets separating his room? He gets turned on when you are powerful? What does that even mean? Is he into SM? Is he talking about being submissive? Are you into that? He could be a sex trafficker. I
He's grooming you perfectly to purchase a ticket to go see him then end up a sex slave.

Unless he's going to visit and stay in his own hotel room, but then how does he have money for that when he lives the way he does?

Just too weird and red flags.

[Erebos]

Er I live in the UK and my daughter's room was divided by bed sheets.
We had 4 kids and could only afford a two bedroom apartment. We were not allowed to make structural changes to the property.
accommodation in Europe is very small compared to the US. Especially in the inner cities.

We lived like that for nearly 8 years before another property finally became available. My eldest was17/18 at the time.
So it's totally feasible, however it strengthens even more my feelings that there is more to this than simple attraction.
The age thing? I dunno, everyone is different, but it also means he has virtually nothing to offer as a possible citizen. Providing he is being truthful about that.

What are his plans?
Where will he stay, he can't work, so how will he provide for himself.
What does he do for a living.
How much does he earn?
Where did he study?
What are his family like?
Is he religious, if so what's his orientation?
What does he want for the future, and how will he achieve this.?
Has he ex girlfriends back home with children? If so how will he support them whilst here.?
Are his parents well or are the ill and likely to need support in the future.?
Why does he want move to your specific area of the US.
What are his thoughts on family, does he want kids, if so, how many.?

These are all good things to discuss and sort out ahead of time because unlike a normal relationship it's much harder to just back out of.
If your to make plans make them solid and practical.

I might point out, that even after a year, me and my partner don't live together. At the end of the day I can tell him to go home. (Thank God. )

Take care.

[Erebos]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

Then what am I going to do? I made a promise to myself that I won't hurt anyone else. I already had a really tough time after I told a guy it wasn't working out. I can't do that again.

Art hun, you can't hurt him he doesn't even know you. He is thousands of miles away with a fantasy creation he has built in his head. And your playing into it, because is exciting, erotic, fun and giving you the attention your craving.
And there is nothing wrong with that so long as you see it for what it is.

You can't love someone over the internet, because your impression them is coloured by your own wants and needs. The bits you don't see, can't see your imagination fills them in.

[behindthemirror]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

Then what am I going to do? I made a promise to myself that I won't hurt anyone else. I already had a really tough time after I told a guy it wasn't working out. I can't do that again.

This is not a promise you can keep, or even one you should keep. Sometimes making the best choices for your own well-being will be against what others want, or even cause them pain (like ending a destructive relationship). It is wonderful that you are compassionate and empathetic, but please be sure to look after your own welfare.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by IT_Nerd

Having been online since before the visual web even existed (and been involved in two LDRs), I've seen this a lot with people. The basic answer is no. It's not a real relationship. It's a fantasy. And, frankly, speaking, maintaining a relationship w/ someone across the world is a near impossibility. Being in the presence of someone constantly is what forges a real bond. Doing the LDR thing, esp online, is a way to avoid a lot of uncomfortable things. Being present with someone and relating to them remotely are two completely different things. It's not healthy, especially at your age. You need to get out and explore people around you, IMO.

Uh, in case you haven't noticed, no one "around me" wants anything to do with me. I've pretty much given up on the "local" flavor.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

This situation is no good at all. You are too smart to fall for this. Something is very wrong about your thinking on this and if you can't see it you need help fast. Professional help. Your safety is on the line as is the safety of the people you live with. You need to talk to a professional because if it's not this guy it will be another. I don't mean to sound harsh and I know I do. id rather be harsh than saying nothing. Don't go there either. If he wants to visit and has enough money for a hotel that would be one thing. You are far too smart for this and I hope you listen to the people on this thread encouraging you to protect yourself.

What's so wrong with my thinking? I've been talking to this guy for years now. If he was a sex slave trafficker, he'd have made a move by now. And I'm 33 years old. I think I'm older than what most sex traffickers look for.

Also, I never said anything about having him live in my house. I'm going to ask him about what he plans on for living arrangements if he does come over here.

I'm really thankful you have concern for me, but I'm not foolish. I'm an adult, and I am able to make my own decisions.

If you think it can work, and want it to, and want to explore it further, go for it. just know there's some things to be cautious about. Don't do it cuz you're desperate either. But why not have fun w this guy online, at least.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by behindthemirror

This is not a promise you can keep, or even one you should keep. Sometimes making the best choices for your own well-being will be against what others want, or even cause them pain (like ending a destructive relationship). It is wonderful that you are compassionate and empathetic, but please be sure to look after your own welfare.

I just can't be the cause of anyone's pain anymore. I just can't. I've been told that I'm selfish, self centered, and immature. I know it's not selfish to be discrete and self aware, but you all make it sound like He's some sort of monster preying on me or something. While it's impossible to know someone completely with only online interactions (I totally agree with that), you can get a sense of intuition, and I'm not feeling any red flags in that area.

He's just like me. He sees a therapist for severe anxiety (can hardly sleep because of it), has a heart condition that he needs surgery again for (while I don't have that, I do have pretty bad asthma), and he went to a college for some time before he couldn't keep up and dropped out. He lives in a small flat with his family and has never even so much as held hands with a girl, much less had girlfriends before. Forget him having kids too. He has never had a girlfriend, much less an opportunity to have a child.

We play Diablo II a lot together with a few other people online and he has never asked me to do anything for him (other than having me attack his Diablo II character with mine, which he enjoys).

I know when his birthday is, what color his eyes and hair are, what he sounds and looks like, I even know his height and weight for goodness sake.

I'd think if he were anything but who he says he is, he'd have done at least something that would have sent red flags going, but he hasn't. And it's not like he has ever asked for my personal information (SS# or bank info), he hasn't even asked for so much as a penny from me.

I know it seems sketchy, but he's saving up little by little to come to America to be with me, and I'm going to tell him he can't stay under the same roof as me. I'm not foolish. I'm just tired of not being appreciated by anyone in my life. I'm done with the local guys. They all made it abundantly clear that I'm not interesting enough for them.

However, this guy, he and I have communicated for years before he came clean and admitted he was attracted to me. He's very shy and wasn't sure if he could bring it up because of the age difference. And honestly, it's not that big of an age difference. I've seen larger differences before.

I'm not going to support him as I can't even support myself yet. I'm barely making any money as it is.

Look, I know it's a sketchy sounding situation, but it really isn't as bad as it sounds. He's not coming here any time soon. He said he might be able to come sometime next year at the earliest.

One of his ideas was to get an International job and somehow get a transfer over here. He's really smart, and I think that is honestly the best bet for the situation.

I'm not some teenager being lured by nefarious sex traffickers overseas....just a lonely, anxious, shy and nerdy man who wants exactly what I do right now.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by starrysky

If you think it can work, and want it to, and want to explore it further, go for it. just know there's some things to be cautious about. Don't do it cuz you're desperate either. But why not have fun w this guy online, at least.

Thanks, Starry. I am thinking of ways to do just that!