[Carli213]

Hi, was hoping to get some advice. I met my boyfriend 2 years ago. He had been divorced for 2 years when I met him. I knew he had some trauma but had assumed he had mostly worked through it or the rest would get better through the course of our relationship. I was also pretty naive only 22 , and had no idea the struggles that would come with dating a divorced man with kids. He had 2 kids that his ex wife wouldn't allow him to see. He told me he didnt think he was ever going to see them because of her lying in court and pulling any string she could to prevent that. I thought this meant he was free and unentangled for hopes of our future and raising a family.

for the first year of our relationship everything went smoothly. We went on s lot of dates, went on vacations like Disney, cruises, skiing. I fell in love with him. But after a year my boyfriend pushed something through to try to get his kids back. His ex retaliated. We heard from his lawyers that she tried to pass 4 different felonies through. 3 were rejected and one was approved to move forward. She took a photo of him in his boxers with his one year old daughter she had when they were together and Charged him with lewd and lascivious behavior.

As I said I knew my boyfriend had trauma before but still seemed functioning well and able to move forward in a relationship. But after he was charged with this, his mental health deteriorated. He lost hope, drank more, took a break from his job, and started having delusional and paranoid thoughts. He literally thought the nazis were still alive and out to get him and helicopters were always following him. Clearly it was hard for him to put a lot of positive focus on our relatonship. But more importantly he wasn't seeking any treatment. He believed his delusions were real and people were out to get him. I tried to stand by through this hoping it would go away once the trial resolved. Finally, a month ago his mom and sister convinced him to get treatment. He's been away in his home state since then in in patient therapy and our patient therapy and attending aa meetings. I'm very happy about this and it give me hope for a better and most importantly sane man to be in a relationship with.

The main worry that's occurring for me that I have is probably selfish. It's hard for me to feel like im a priority in my boyfriends life when he has so many problems and obstacles he needs to focus on and overcome. I'm pretty needy (working on this) and this past year I've felt kind of neglected due to all the negativity my boyfriend was engulfed in. We stopped going on dates due to money issues from court costs, he didn't seem to want to talk as much, stopped being intimate, and stopped having fun like we used to. I don't care about the material things but I don't like feeling rejected and I took it personally a lot.

I pretty much understand that men need space to be able to deal with things. And that my intereference isn't needed or wanted. Knowing that I do my best to be supportive in ways he does need me. But as my boyfriend is focusing on getting treatment in another state a lot of times he doesn't call me back very fast or respond to my texts. It feels like he's pushing me away, It makes me question if he takes our relationship seriously. I guess that's wrong?

He says he doesn't know what his future holds. He doesn't know if this stupid made up felony charge will stick and he'll wind up in jail. He doesn't know if he wants to stay in the state we are now for his kids. Or if he wants to move somewhere else to get away from his ex and recuperate from the pain. At the same token he told me his kids are his number one priority. He said he bought the house I live in with him for his kids due to its location, he said he bought his dogs just for the kids, etc. it's pretty sad seeing the preparation he underwent for them when their return to his life is questionable.

Anyways with what he's shown me about the kids I guess it's hard not to feel second best. All of his decisions seem to based around his kids and not me. And Selfishly I don't want to have to deal with being a step mom when his ex wife is crazy, and I want to be free to move out of state. Then again though I know his kids will always take precedence over me. I get that. But I want to have kids of our own. Any help???

[Crazy Hitch]

This is a very very difficult and complex situation as you are dealing with a multitude of issues here.

He is going through a hell of a lot, none of which he was really going through in your first year of being together, and you wouldn't have possibly seen this one coming.

On top of the situations he is dealing with, you're dating a person who has some serious mental health issues of psychosis.

But more importantly, for your own sanity, who is supporting you through this ordeal? Are you seeing a professional? Like a therapist? You need to take care of your own health too.

[Carli213]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

This is a very very difficult and complex situation as you are dealing with a multitude of issues here.

He is going through a hell of a lot, none of which he was really going through in your first year of being together, and you wouldn't have possibly seen this one coming.

On top of the situations he is dealing with, you're dating a person who has some serious mental health issues of psychosis.

But more importantly, for your own sanity, who is supporting you through this ordeal? Are you seeing a professional? Like a therapist? You need to take care of your own health too.

Thank you for your feedback and understanding. That is another problem since I'm kind of alone except for him and my job. Im going to one this week.

[Carli213]

Thank you. Yes I'm planning on going to one this week.

[Molinit]

Good Lord, you are young. When you were dreaming about "the one," was it a broke felon with lots of problems? I doubt it.

NEXT! Find someone with NO kids, no charges, no drinking problems and some money.

[Bill3]

You are not selfish to want what normally comes with a good relationship. You are human.

But as my boyfriend is focusing on getting treatment in another state a lot of times he doesn't call me back very fast or respond to my texts. It feels like he's pushing me away, It makes me question if he takes our relationship seriously. I guess that's wrong?

No that is not wrong.

When there are children from another marriage, relationships are always a balancing act and often a challenging one. From what you have said here, I don't blame you one bit for thinking that he is not at all close to getting the balance right with regard to you.



Loving him does not automatically mean that you should be in a relationship with him. It hurts to consider this, but it would be completely fair, it would be okay, if you were to conclude that he is not able to be the partner that you thought he could be and that you deserve and that it is okay (not selfish) to want.

It would be okay to move on.

[Sunflower123]

I agree with the other posters. You are young and what you've described is taking on an awful lot at such a young age. If you can, I really encourage you to move on. It might hurt now but you'll be so much better off. Sending big hugs.

[Erebos]

What you have to consider is, this set up is never going to change.
His ex will always be there, and so will his kids.
His mental health issues will always have to be managed, they don't simply go away.

I don't think your asking too much, but I think your asking for too much from him. If you get what I mean?

He can't give you support, or promise you stability. He may well be terrified of having anymore kids in case the whole nightmare repeats itself.

To want these things is perfectly reasonable, but to want them from him...It just can't be done. Not for the foreseeable future.

If you really want to be with him, you need to support yourself, provide yourself with your own network and be available when he is present and able.
You may also need to understand that you won't take that first place position while he is fighting for his family.

This isn't personal in anyway, I have no doubt he wishes things were different. And that's what makes this so sad.

You probably do care about each other dearly, yet things have conspired against you both.
I hope you find your answer. All the best for the future, whatever happens.

[Rose76]

He is clearly under a lot of stress, and that stress seems to be what has caused him to "decompensate" psychologically. I doubt, however, that his psychotic delusions are totally the product of these stresses, serious though these stresses are. He sounds like someone with very substantial underlying mental illness. What has happened over the past year with the ex seems to have exacerbated a problem that was merely dormant for the first year of your knowing him. Even if and when he sorts things out with regard to the ex and the kids, other stresses will come along in life. You have to wonder if this is who you want as the father of your future kids.

This is not a man who copes well with adversity. Thus, the recent drinking. He sounds fragile, psychologically. Joining you to realize your dreams and aspirations probably feels overwhelming to him right now. He may never feel ready to undertake beginning a new family. It's awful tough to give up on love, but he may lack the capacity to be who you need him to be. Partnering with him may be like adopting an older special needs child. Many years ago I did that, myself, and I'm living with the consequences. It's not something I'ld recommend to a healthy 22 year old with all life's possibilities awaiting her. This might end up being very unfair to you. You could spend your life paying for his mistakes.