[seesaw]

So last night I skyped video chatted with this guy I met through OKC. It was fine but he was clearly trying to make sexual innuendo's and failing. But like, I just wanted to talk and get to know him, but it seems like all the guys I end up chatting with want to jump right to sex talk. I basically have to shut them down right away. What is up with this trend? Why is like the first thing about some sexual act instead of just trying to get to know each other?

What do I need to do to change how the men are approaching me?

Seesaw

[~Christina]

Can you put in your profile that you want to get to know a person and that you dont want the sexual talking stuff ?

That would annoy the bloody hell out of me .. I would have said ... Oh shut up "click"

Sorry your having to deal with highschool mentallity in these men.

[seesaw]

Yeah, that's already in my profile. And when they approach me like that, I say something like, that's a little aggressive, don't you think...and they get all ashamed and then don't want to chat anymore, of course, because they just wanted internet sex.

I don't know if I even want to date or any of this, but I guess maybe I'm bored so it's giving me something to do.

Seesaw

[IrisBloom]

It's nothing new. I have been online for years and always had to deal with that. I have a plan: If they bring up sex in first convo I give them a warning. If they keep it up, I ditch them since they obviously are not the person I am looking for. The more you nip it in the bud the easier it gets. Don't feel bad about not messaging them back. You are your first priority. I believe in being courteous but if they show they can't be, then I can't either.

[Artchic528]

FYI, OKCupid is a hookup site. Most men on there only want one thing. Sex.

[MickeyCheeky]

Sorry you have to deal with this If they keep doing that, I'd say just interrupt the conversation. It's clear those are not the men you're looking for.

[Erebos]

What it comes down to, is that men and women view online dating entirely differently.
For a lot of men they view the components of the dating site like a game.
With a beginning point and character creation. the fight or the race (getting picked) this often means they are expecting a prize for winning.
This isn't always a conscious thing it's just the difference in how men and women view internet interactions.

I was discussing this with my S.O last night. As we are both gamers we both have alter egos we use online. And that was something we had to move passed when we met in RL.

I have also noticed, women highlight the negatives in an online profile.
Men ignore them and focus on the compatibilitys, which is why they are often confused or defensive when their faux pas' are pointed out.

I might ask them to do a quick question and answer when you talk based on the details in your profile focusing on what you are and aren't looking for, if they can't answer what you don't want and it's clearly stated in your profile you know they didn't take it in and that their focus isn't on a long term relationship. But winning the game.

How old are you? I tend to think men in their 20s, for instance, are much more into the hookup bs.

But regardless of your ages, I agree w the others. Put it in your profile what you won't tolerate. And then if it comes up, it may be disappointing, but drop them like a hot potato, knowing they are not a good match for you. And that there are better fish in the sea for you.

[divine1966]

Do you chat with them prior to meeting? Or do you already know these people?

I did significant amount of online dating in search of Mr. Right. I've met or talked to many nice people who never even mentioned sex. But I was approached for online sex once. It was during a chat. It was not okcupid. But it was also one and only chat I did on the dating site. Maybe that's the answer. They think that woman is on a chat to do online sex? At the moment I wasn't in a good place and actually didn't need to be dating so I guess it was expected I'd attract a creep.

What type of men are you going for? Are they educated? Professional? Over 20? Why are they on a free site? Free sites are usually indication.

[1978dd]

I think it has to do with the anonymity of the Internet. I'm a 50ish married man with complicated, drug-resistant mental illness, but I would never think of bringing up sexual topics. Then again, I respect all people until I have a substantial reason to do otherwise. But, I agree, if sexual banter is in the first few conversations, it's time to "fish" in other waters!!

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. What a bummer. I don't know what else you can do besides what you're doing...putting it in your profile and shutting it down immediately when it happens. Are there any other websites that you could try?

Try a more respected dating site if you are looking to meet men for the purpose other than sex. OkCupid may just be that kind of site. Good luck!! Keep us posted.

Originally Posted by seesaw

So last night I skyped video chatted with this guy I met through OKC. It was fine but he was clearly trying to make sexual innuendo's and failing. But like, I just wanted to talk and get to know him, but it seems like all the guys I end up chatting with want to jump right to sex talk. I basically have to shut them down right away. What is up with this trend? Why is like the first thing about some sexual act instead of just trying to get to know each other?

What do I need to do to change how the men are approaching me?

Seesaw

I think you should explain your personal needs to them when you see something unwanted coming.

[Shadix]

One of my male friends was actually telling me recently about how on OKCupid most of the girls he meets seem to be just looking for sex.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Shadix

One of my male friends was actually telling me recently about how on OKCupid most of the girls he meets seem to be just looking for sex.

I think it's likely both genders. I've never been on the site but that's what I heard from people who used it. Casual dating/sex. Hook up.

[bpforever1]

Most free online dating sites are for hookups. I used okcupid and met one of my lovers. He and I were looking for the same thing, so it is ok. However, if you are not looking for sex, I suggest going to meetups or other social gatherings with common interests.