[CaminoDeOro]

I need to vent.

I just passed the five year mark of one of those whole things where uncontrollable events + your illness conspire to drop agent orange and napalm on everything and then carpetbomb it for good measure. I'm living in my friend's attic. I'm unemployed. The only members of my biological family who don't drag me and each other down are worse off than I am and I can do nothing to help but listen when they cry on the other end of a wire. I got a tiny life insurance payout when my dad died and I'm having to spend some of it this week to prep to live in a campground for 10 days because my friend's insufferable and ignorant mom is coming to visit and lavish money on my friend and her kids like she's p*ssing away Coors Lite. Last time she was here she suggested that I should get out and that I could find housing in an inpatient treatment program, which is both hilarious and vile in SEVERAL ways, especially given that she used to be a frigging family court judge who dealt with social services cases and should bloody well know better.

Despite all that, I'm generally NOT stewing in my own lava-like rage most of the time, which might be some sort of accomplishment at this point.

What has kinda pushed me over the edge is that my friend has been bustling around for seven hours straight doing nothing but high-energy goal-directed activity. She is incapable of EVER existing in a state where she is not goal-directed, which is a pet peeve of mine, but I can deal with it 95% of the time just fine. Today it is the 5% where it really gets to me because I don't feel good, my week sucked, my month sucked, my year sucked, and my five years sucked, and she can get more done in a day with EASE than I can in a week.

The worst part? She was always super industrious and had more energy than I can fathom, but a while back, her energy came from whipping herself to get up and do stuff, and she was always tired, and her mood was chronically low. She's always been prone to low mood and ruminations and the like. That sucks for anyone, even if they can rise above and live a productive life as she was doing.

But, she went on zoloft and due to reasons ended up on 12.5mg a day which is a vanishingly small dose as many of you know. It has enough of an effect that it seems worth it to her to stay on, she generally feels a bit better and is less snappy with the kids, etc.

Then she gets a new doctor and at the initial exam, complains of being tired a lot. Dude orders up some tests, then some more, and discovers a metabolic issue, and prescribes folate and zinc.

The supplements in combination with the tiny dusting of zoloft have completely revolutionized her life. Her low mood and ruminations are gone. The fatigue is gone. Her energy has surged and there is zero sign of it abating and it's been months now. Not only can she get more useful stuff done, but her social life is WAAAY more active due to the extra energy and being able to feel okay if she misses some sleep to stay out late. She regularly keeps up with more friends than I have at all, across three f*cking states, and they're her quality-over-quantity friends because she's an introvert like me.

She hit the magic unicorn combo right out the gate. In the span of six months.

I've been chasing a euthymic state, or even just an easing of my years-long crippling depressive phases in bipolar II - with a combo of meds, supplements, therapy, and hard work strategizing and trying different activities and behaviors - for twenty-five ****ing years. And it's NOT WORKING.

Why do benefits always - and I mean always - accrue disproportionately to those who need them less?

[Sunflower123]

You have every right to be angry and to feel robbed after dealing with this crap for twenty-five years. Life is not fair and very often not kind either. I hope you are also happy for your friend and her good luck. Hang in there and keep going. Your answer may be just around the corner. Sending big hugs.

[CaminoDeOro]

Yeah, I actually count myself really lucky that I can't just bury the actual reason for being unhappy with things like this in cynicism and bitterness. Of course it is great for her even if it throws my crappy situation into sharp relief.

I think walking the non-cynical path is often aggravating and more difficult in the short term, but probably one of the biggest predictors overall of even being capable of having a life one can be legit fairly pleased with.

[Fuzzybear]

[-jimi-]

Ugh. Life isn't fair.

I really hate to be reminded of how low energy I am. I can tell myself I do my best but I feel life slipping away from me. People can try to comfort me, saying you even have a physical illness, don't be hard on yourself, no one would do better with that.

Which is not true. My dad got sick once with a very serious illness. It had made him tired for years but he had just struggled through, you couldn't see on him that he made an effort. After the illness was diagnosed he was put on medication for a long while that is really harsh treatment for the body, but for the mind as well, it often causes depression. Did he ever complain? No. Did he stop working? No. He got up every morning no sick days at all, did his job and did it well. He rested like an hour extra a day but mostly he just managed the whole ordeal being stubborn.

I feel so... discouraged from that. I should also be able just to grin and bear it. But I can't.

What a normal person does in one day, takes me two weeks. And my energy is just getting less and less.

I also envy people who have nice doctors who actually understand and help. I mostly managed to get abusive ones. It took me 15 different meds and several years to help depression. Some of those meds nearly killed me (for real). Also I was clinically hypothyroid for 10 years but had no treatment for that time because I wasn't believed.

I have no idea how to just accept being "lazy", and accept fate decided some people get to be more lucky. They roll the med dice once. And then they are fixed.

Then to add to this I start to think about all people who have it worse than me. And that gives me guilt. So I end up feeling lazy, unlucky or badly treated, and guilty.

Sometimes I just want to stab this brain with a fork.