[daylightsa]

My boyfriend of 5 months (him 31, me 33) is severely depressed. He hates his job, the band he's in, his body, the city we live in... overall he's just very angry. When we first started dating he had just started his new job and was in pretty good spirits for the first couple of months before the job-related depression set in. He now smokes and drinks heavily, neglects his bills, his dogs, and his health.

He has a pretty rough past. He suffered the traumatic loss of both of his parents 6 years ago and has a history of being cheated on by several women. He's now convinced that every woman he dates will cheat on him. One night he drunkenly called me up while at a work conference and said "All women will eventually find a guy and **** them behind my back." I was speechless.

Anyhow. He's been dropping hints for weeks - "I can't love anyone," "I don't know how to love," "I don't think I'm meant to be in a relationship," etc. I tried so hard to be the good girlfriend, letting him vent to me, cooking him meals, loving him even when he didn't love me back. We had a very intense phone call when I was out of town last Saturday. He admitted he had been suicidal that day and thought several times about calling me but knew I was busy, and started crying because he felt terrible for hurting me and ruining our relationship. I didn't say much except to tell him I cared for him and wanted what was best for him. We agreed to meet Sunday night to discuss the dissolution of our relationship. When we did we just ended up having sex.

Yesterday I decided to end it via a handwritten letter since doing that in person wasn't possible. Not because I was fed up, but because I think my presence and refusal to let him leave me was making his life worse, not better. He said he understood, apologized for being horrible, thanked me for putting up with his "depressive self," and that he felt like he was "so close to breaking through this depressive cycle, but wasn't there yet." I suggested my keeping in touch with him now and again to see how he's doing and he didn't reject the idea but he didn't necessarily say "yes" either.

He is not seeking treatment of any kind, despite my gentle suggestions that he should.

I feel like we ended on good terms and I would like to occasionally check in on him to see how he's doing. No relationship pressure, just purely concern for him. I thought I'd let me emotions settle and in maybe a few weeks or so give him a phone call. Could anyone offer any insight as to whether this is a good idea or not? Anyone here ever ended a relationship because of their depression?

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. if you let things settle down and call him in a few weeks would you be doing it as a concerned friend? If that's the case, I see no problem but only if it's beneficial to both of you. If it triggers either one of you in anyway (and be on the lookout for that) then you should cease contact.

[Bill3]

Often staying in touch makes it harder to get over the ex. How much do you think that would be the case here?

[daylightsa]

I've thought about this. Over the last couple of weeks I've felt like more of a friend to him than a girlfriend. We spent most of our time discussing his problems and working through his troubles, much like I'd do with a girlfriend. I am pretty good at compartmentalizing my feelings. I understand we have broken up as a romantic couple, but it saddens me that I would lose my friend in the process.

Honestly... the break up was good for me. I realized today I have been severely neglecting myself and my other relationships in exchange for trying to help my ex out. I have no desire to be in a relationship with him right now for that reason. So yes, I would be approaching him purely out of friendly concern.

[daylightsa]

I've thought about this.

[daylightsa]

Another question, although I'm not sure anyone will read it...

When he admitted he was feeling suicidal to me on Saturday he elaborated and said he'd actually pulled out his gun, sat on his bed, and thought about it. Should I tell his sisters or close friends about this? Problem is he really doesn't talk to anyone - he's shut himself off from most of the people in his life. I've only met his sisters once so I feel like this would be a HUGE invasion of his privacy, but I'm concerned.

Originally Posted by daylightsa

Another question, although I'm not sure anyone will read it...

When he admitted he was feeling suicidal to me on Saturday he elaborated and said he'd actually pulled out his gun, sat on his bed, and thought about it. Should I tell his sisters or close friends about this? Problem is he really doesn't talk to anyone - he's shut himself off from most of the people in his life. I've only met his sisters once so I feel like this would be a HUGE invasion of his privacy, but I'm concerned.

You can talk to him about calling a suicide crisis line next time he is in that position and urge him to, or going to the emergency room, which would be the next step if he truly is in danger. I would be hesitant as well to invade his family privacy based on this one incident, but you can tell him you are very concerned, and that if he needs help, it's there for him, just a phone call away. If it happens multiple times and he's only telling you about it and isn't getting help, then I may reconsider letting his family or friends know to take the burden off of you a bit. (((((hugs))))

[daylightsa]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

You can talk to him about calling a suicide crisis line next time he is in that position and urge him to, or going to the emergency room, which would be the next step if he truly is in danger. I would be hesitant as well to invade his family privacy based on this one incident, but you can tell him you are very concerned, and that if he needs help, it's there for him, just a phone call away. If it happens multiple times and he's only telling you about it and isn't getting help, then I may reconsider letting his family or friends know to take the burden off of you a bit. (((((hugs))))

He's told me before he has felt suicidal. He would make "funny" comments like "Driving home today I was thinking, hey, why not just drive my car into a tree?" But after his parents passed he said he was severely suicidal and saw a therapist about it. His father committed suicide, as did two of his uncles and, most recently, a male cousin. So it's a recurring issue. He did admit he almost called the suicide hotline on Saturday just so he had someone to talk to, so his head does seem to be in the right space there. I asked him point blank if he was considering pulling the trigger and he very fervently said "No, never, I have too many things on my bucket list to do that."

I don't know. It's a difficult situation. Thanks for your insight.

[daylightsa]

I'm thinking of sending his twin sister a facebook message. Him and I are very similar, I think if one of my friends told my brother I was floundering and my brother started showing interest in me, it would help. I just.. I know this could really break our friendship, but right now it's not really on solid ground anyways.

Originally Posted by daylightsa

He's told me before he has felt suicidal. He would make "funny" comments like "Driving home today I was thinking, hey, why not just drive my car into a tree?" But after his parents passed he said he was severely suicidal and saw a therapist about it. His father committed suicide, as did two of his uncles and, most recently, a male cousin. So it's a recurring issue. He did admit he almost called the suicide hotline on Saturday just so he had someone to talk to, so his head does seem to be in the right space there. I asked him point blank if he was considering pulling the trigger and he very fervently said "No, never, I have too many things on my bucket list to do that."

I don't know. It's a difficult situation. Thanks for your insight.

YW. It is a difficult situation for sure, and clearly you care about him, which is a testimony to the kind of person you are. I am glad he is indicating he actually wants to live! That's a good sign. But the multiple suicides in his family are a concern. He seems able to help himself though, if he saw a therapist before when severely suicidal. You can encourage him to seek out treatment again, perhaps more emphatically than you have, and as mentioned, urge him to call a suicide hotline next time it happens. He does need treatment, and probably medications. ((((hugs))))

[daylightsa]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

YW. It is a difficult situation for sure, and clearly you care about him, which is a testimony to the kind of person you are. I am glad he is indicating he actually wants to live! That's a good sign. But the multiple suicides in his family are a concern. He seems able to help himself though, if he saw a therapist before when severely suicidal. You can encourage him to seek out treatment again, perhaps more emphatically than you have, and as mentioned, urge him to call a suicide hotline next time it happens. He does need treatment, and probably medications. ((((hugs))))

We're not really talking at the moment... I sent out a quick text yesterday and he did reply almost instantly, but it was a friendly brush off. I understand, I know when you're depressed you don't want to talk, especially with an ex girlfriend.

I've suggested therapy before and he said he's given up on it since it hasn't helped him in the past.

I know he's not my responsibility.. I'm actually seriously considering seeking out therapy myself to help me understand why I invest myself so much in people. My dear friend Sara was suicidal last year and I also threw my head heart and soul into her problem. She is much improved now and says my presence was a godsend to her, but at the time it consumed my life. It's a problem.

Originally Posted by daylightsa

We're not really talking at the moment... I sent out a quick text yesterday and he did reply almost instantly, but it was a friendly brush off. I understand, I know when you're depressed you don't want to talk, especially with an ex girlfriend.

I've suggested therapy before and he said he's given up on it since it hasn't helped him in the past.

I know he's not my responsibility.. I'm actually seriously considering seeking out therapy myself to help me understand why I invest myself so much in people. My dear friend Sara was suicidal last year and I also threw my head heart and soul into her problem. She is much improved now and says my presence was a godsend to her, but at the time it consumed my life. It's a problem.

All you can do is offer to be a once in a while support, if needed, but space is probably needed as well since you broke up.

And you're right - he's not your responsibility. I have a tendency to do this as well. It's partially the nature of being an empathic, caring and compassionate person, but over investing can become problematic, especially if it interferes with your own level of functioning and life.

It's hard to know/determine that fine balance, but taking care of YOU is essential when you're also helping someone else. I'm sure your friend Sara fully appreciated the help, and perhaps you were one of the few friends who did. With dear friends, how can we not care and want to help?

I think your ex needs treatment, and only he can pull himself up by the bootstraps to do that. HE has to care about his own well-being and take responsibility for himself, and it sounds like right now, he doesn't and has let everything go. All you can do is mention treatment again when you talk next, but give him space, too, and take care of your own self. (((((hugs)))))

[daylightsa]

Thank you golden_eve, you're super sweet and helpful!

He actually texted me a couple hours ago asking if he could pay me to watch his dogs while he's out of town in a few weeks... I've watched his dogs in the past for free because I love his dogs and they're a joy to me, but he always wanted to give me money so I agreed to being paid this time.

To me it says volumes that he asked for help. He's the kind of person that is insistent on doing everything alone. I suppose some people might misinterpret it as him using me, maybe he is, but... I know him well enough that I don't think this is the case. I do wish he would seek treatment, but like you said... it's up to him. Thank you again friend.

Originally Posted by daylightsa

Thank you golden_eve, you're super sweet and helpful!

He actually texted me a couple hours ago asking if he could pay me to watch his dogs while he's out of town in a few weeks... I've watched his dogs in the past for free because I love his dogs and they're a joy to me, but he always wanted to give me money so I agreed to being paid this time.

To me it says volumes that he asked for help. He's the kind of person that is insistent on doing everything alone. I suppose some people might misinterpret it as him using me, maybe he is, but... I know him well enough that I don't think this is the case. I do wish he would seek treatment, but like you said... it's up to him. Thank you again friend.

I don't think he's using you. Seems he is leaning on you a little as a friend. =) He also offered to pay you. And yes, treatment is up to him. All you can do is encourage it when you talk next. Until then, take care of yourself and enjoy life! And you're most welcome!

[daylightsa]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I don't think he's using you. Seems he is leaning on you a little as a friend. =) He also offered to pay you. And yes, treatment is up to him. All you can do is encourage it when you talk next. Until then, take care of yourself and enjoy life! And you're most welcome!

He needs a friend... he has no one else here. And heh, the money is welcome. I'm a bit strapped for cash so I benefit.

Thank you again!

Originally Posted by daylightsa

He needs a friend... he has no one else here. And heh, the money is welcome. I'm a bit strapped for cash so I benefit.

Thank you again!

then yeah, you can be his friend. And get some cash. YW!