[rufiki]

I'm a man, 57, living with my girlfriend, 53, for 7 years now. She has a 19 year old daughter living with us, who is attending college and doing very well. Probably when her daughter was 14 or so, my girlfriend seemed to become critical of her daughter, her grades weren't good enough, she was lazy, etc. Her daughter seemed to be just a normal teenager to me, actually her grades were pretty good (3.0) and she never got into any trouble. And we did a lot of stuff together as a family. As her daughter got older, her grades improved, and she graduated with a 3.6 average. I'm proud of her myself. My girlfriend had back surgery 2 years ago, and told her daughter she would have to take over household chores while she recovered. But she is sore a lot, and so her daughter still does the laundry, cleans the house, does the dishes and most of the cooking. Never well enough for my girlfriend though. I don't hear any positive reinforcement from her anymore. I try to encourage her daughter, I've become like a dad to her, but I know it's building resentment in her. I've tried to suggest therapy to her daughter, her mom is in it already. What can I do? Why is this happening?

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. You're a good man. Keep treating her daughter like a daughter and being supportive. Have you had a serious conversation with your girlfriend about this? She presents a negative picture in your depiction. Her daughter will eventually get to the proverbial last straw and the relationship may be broken for good. What about mom and daughter going to therapy together? Probably not a great idea but if push comes to shove you could get them together and act as a mediator (in lieu of counseling if they refuse). Good luck.

[rufiki]

Thanks Jennifer. I don't mean to make my girlfriend look bad. She always told me when we started dating that her daughter was the most important person in her life and it sure looked that way. And she was a good mom. But she seems to have a lot of physical problems, and she's has gotten crankier and her daughter is usually the target. Because of my girlfriend's health problems, I was the one who went with her daughter to school plays and activities in high school, we ended up spending a lot of time together and I love her like my own daughter. I tell my girlfriend how lucky she is to have a wonderful daughter like that, but...

Recently my girlfriend has been very sick, for months. her daughter and I both have been trying to take care of her, before she was hospitalized 2 weeks ago. It seems there's nothing physically wrong with her. So her daughter thinks she's been faking all this time and is very angry. But my girlfriend has developed psychosis and is being held in the mental ward, so I think the symptoms are real. She's getting treatment, but my big fear now is her daughter, this is horrible for her. She won't talk about it, and I don't know how to help her. I'm afraid of pushing her away if I insist.

Sorry this is so long.

[Sunflower123]

I am so sorry you're going through this. I read your other post about your girlfriend being in a psych ward. Has she been diagnosed with mental illness or did she just have a psychotic break? Has this happened before? I understand why her daughter would be angry. The important thing and priority right now is getting your girlfriend well. Another priority is taking good care of yourself. I know you're having a tough time. Take it one day at a time. I wish I knew what to say about her daughter, bless her heart, but just continue to be there for her and be supportive. I wish you well and I hope your gf gets better soon.

[rufiki]

I appreciate your support. No, we never saw this coming. She has been taking meds for depression since before I met her, but I never noticed anything, she was quiet occasionally and tell me she was down and didn't feel like talking. But She never heard voices before 2 weeks ago, not that anyone noticed anyway. Now I can't usually hold a conversation with her, she is usually too busy listening to the voices in her head. Those voices tell her that her daughter is poisoning her, and that I'm cheating on her etc. Last night She refused our visit, so her daughter and I were talking a lot, I was pretty broken up. It came out that my girlfriend used to tell her daughter to not argue with her (she's strong willed) because it might make me leave. I never knew this, and certainly never said or considered leaving them. We're a family! But it might explain why she blames so much on her daughter. I'm kicking myself that I didn't see something sooner.

[Sunflower123]

I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and your gf and her daughter. This is **** for all of you. My former husband had a psychotic break due to too many steroids that doctors administered over a 3 day period for a bad allergic reaction. It was frightening and I finally called an ambulance. He was in the hospital for several days and the first night took apart the heart monitor to see if a heart was in there. He had to be restrained. That is nowhere near as severe as your gf but it was overwhelming and frightful.

Please remember to take care of you and try to be gentle with yourself. You sound like a really good person. Best wishes.

[rufiki]

Thank you Jennifer. Last night my girlfriend's daughter took me out for ice cream after our rejected visit. I was a wreck. We had a nice discussion, I learned things I maybe should have noticed or wrote off as unimportant. While I feel like a father to the girl and she treats me like her dad, I wasn't comfortable probing into their relationship, they were mother/daughter and I was just the boyfriend. I wish I'd asked a few questions, or suggested counseling, or something. Because of my girlfriend's health problems, I was usually the one who went to school plays and activities with her daughter. We talked a lot, I love to talk to her, but we never talked about family stuff. I wish we had. Now I feel like I'm standing on railroad tracks trying to stop a train wreck with my arms out.

[Sunflower123]

It's ok. You didn't know at that time. Hindsight truly is 20/20. You have a beautiful relationship with her daughter and you are being supportive of her and your girlfriend. It must be very distressing to hear those things coming from your girlfriend. She's very ill right now. You're doing all the right things. Please continue to post as often as you need for support.