Do people who have money in the bank dislike people who haven't?

I don't think of myself as a "have not." My income is small, but I feel that my needs are met. I even have cable TV and high-speed Internet. I feel very secure that I'll always have a roof over my head and good food to eat, etc. But I have no money in the bank.

I used to be quite close to my siblings. I live far away from them. One has a gift delivered to me on my birthday, but never calls me. She has money in the bank. I'm wondering if she is distancing herself from me because of the difference in our economic status. This just occurred to me two weeks ago. Now I feel so dumb for not thinking of this sooner.

A lot of people here at PC are just getting by. Do any of you think that relatives with money dislike you because you're a lot less well off? This came to me like a bolt of lightning. I feel so stupid for not realizing this sooner.

I don't try to get my better off sister to give me anything. I've never been one to ask family for anything. She started sending me an annual gift on my birthday. I don't know why she started doing that. Meanwhile, months go by with no word. Basically, I just don't hear from her. Two or three times a year, I'll phone her. But she never phones me. So I'm not going to be phoning her anymore. I feel stupid calling someone who never calls me.

I was all mystified. Then the light went on! Like: bang! I had this epiphany: people with money don't want to get involved with people who live hand to mouth.

So, now, I'm really mad. I thought we had a deeper bond. Now I'm angry that she sends this annual gift. It's just phoney. So I am not going to call her. If she sends me some mail order gift again on my next birthday, I'm going to donate it to a charity thrift shop. Or I might just throw it away.

If she had totally ignored me for years, I'ld have gotten the message and written off the relationship as a lost cause. And I'ld have gotten over it by now. But I kept waiting for things to be okay. There were some family tensions ten years ago - not caused by me. I strove mightily not to aggravate those tensions. People were mad at each other, and I just wanted to not be on bad terms with any of the parties concerned. It was the classic "who inherited what" that tears families apart. It was ugly and sickened me. Inheriting stuff was never important to me. I proved that to all concerned. I just wanted to not have sibling bonds destroyed. A few years later, it seemed that an ugly time would receed into the past.

More tragedy came along, and it seemed people's basic decency was coming to the fore. I thought healing was underway. And I was glad. Now I'm in a tough period of my life. I don't need any money from anyone for anything. My s.o. is sick and we have what we need materially. But a sister I thought cared never calls to say, "How's he doing? How are you doing?" And it's like a brick hitting me in the head that someone I thought was a friend has withdrawn from having any real connection to me. There are others who do stay very connected. I guess you can't win 'em all.

I guess people have different values. This sister is more different from me than I had any idea. I don't see any way to make sense of this than to think she is just way shallower than I had any idea. Money is important to her. She told me that. She might fear that I could become a drain on her.

Sometimes greed does terrible things to people. When it is the driving force in someone's life, then IMO, their life is a bit shallow. Putting a price on friendship and love cheapens it's value. There is nothing more valuable than true love. You know, love as defined in the Bible, the kind that is, "patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." This is a tall order but if she loves money more than you, I think she is in a sad state in some ways. This is very judgemental thing to say and, of course, I may be way off the mark, but someday, when we die, it will not matter how much money we have in the bank. What will matter is--how much did we love others? How much were we loved by others? How often did we show others we loved them through our words and deeds? I am sorry your sister is not acting loving toward you. It is always sad when these things happen.

Yes, it is sad.

I've had a bad day. I am sad.

I was thinking about what I said, and though you may be judging her attitude correctly, felt like I should add that when we are depressed and isolated from our family from a long time that can make us feel they don't love us. When I was in the hospital, I really was surprised about how much time and expense my father, sister and brother went to be with me. When you are depressed and suicidal---you do not feel worthy of love...Being away from a loved one for a long time magnifies and confirms the feeling.

I think I am worthy of love. That doesn't mean anyone in particular is going to want to be involved in my life. She has the right to select her friends. She has said some mean things over the years. I tried to discount them. I guess you have to believe people when they show you their disdain.

Rose76, you may have had an epiphany your sister....or you could be completely wrong about her. No it is NOT categorically true that people who have money in the bank don't like people who don't.

I've been extremely poor at times in my life to the point of going hungry. Now I'm not poor all. I live a comfortable life. My mother is elderly and has no income other than social security which is a pittance. I'm happy to be able to pay her rent, phone, and cable bills so she have her own apartment and live independently. I don't hate, or resent her her for this. Nor do I look down on her for being poor.

Some of my siblings have turned on me and tell me I'm showing off or greedy. Sometimes I get angry and say well fine feel free to chip in, but they don't. It wounds me deeply. So I have money? Why does that make me a bad or selfish person? Everyone has different experiences, life choices and just plain luck of the draw.

A while ago I understood for the first time why the poor were so abhorred in medieval times: everything was about God, and those with money thought the poor were poor because they had done something wrong, so God had punished them.

I have a small amount of money in the bank, probably more than most of my friends, and I consider myself lucky (I say lucky - a medieval person would have said blessed - they must have done something well to be blessed, and those not blessed must have done something wrong) to have the money and that's about it. I feel bad for one of my best friends, who needs but can't afford a service dog. Asides from that, I don't really think much about how much money I have, my parents have, and my friends have.

I'm sorry you have a strained relationship with your sister. I so understand. I have a strained relationship with my sister as well. My philosophy is...don't come around at Thanksgiving and Christmas when you treat me badly every other day of the year. Don't show up and act like we're a happy, functional family. I'd rather you treated me kindly every other day of the year then get me a birthday and Christmas present. It's sad.

Is there any possibility of you and your sister discussing this and working things out? Sending big hugs.

Okay, I misspoke when I entitled this thread. Of course it is not categorically true that people with money always disdain people without money. Only someone with very distorted thinking would actually believe that.

I'm glad my sister has whatever she has. She is neither bad, nor selfish. But she has expressed that she thinks less of some people who she doesn't see as materially successful. She has explicitly said to me, "I have to wonder what's wrong with people who don't get ahead financially." She and her husband refer to some of their neighbors as "local yokels" because they "have nothing to show" for their efforts in life. (Her words, not mine.) It never before occurred to me that she might apply that thinking toward me.

I'm trying to grasp that, from her perspective, my living as I do may be off-putting. It may be that differences in economic status can be an impediment to having a close social connection. She wouldn't be the first human being in history to be influenced in that way. Novels have been written about this. It's been the theme of great films. Wuthering Heights comes to mind. (Cathy rejected Heathcliff and went after Linton because she wanted to marry "up " not "down.") For a long time, it hadn't occurred to me that my not having any money could make my sister withdraw from being involved with me. Then, out of the blue, an insight popped into my mind. It may be that there is a natural tendency for people of means to keep some distance away from people of no means. I can think of a number of reasons why that might be true. I had thought that my bond with my sister transcended such considerations. That may have been foolish of me. My sister's behavior may be governed by values that are less lofty than that.

So I was inviting others to share with me their thoughts on whether or not I may be on to something, in thinking that there is such a dynamic, whereby "haves" may prefer to maintain some distance from "have nots." Is that a shockingly cynical idea?

That's exactly the kind of judgementalism that my sister has displayed. She has pooh-poohed my struggles with depression, saying, "I have plenty of things I could get depressed about, but I don't let myself. You just dwell on things too much."

I can see where she would attribute both being depressed and being poor to personal unworthiness on my part. I must be living wrong and those are my just deserts.

And I'm not saying that my life isn't what I made of it. It is. I've made the choices I've made, and they've brought me to where I am. I don't claim I got cheated or abused. I don't begrudge her what successes she has had.

You are understanding, and it's much appreciated. Exactly as you say: My position is, "Don't spurn me so thoroughly because my life didn't pan out as you once expected it would, and, then, go through some hollow ritual of sending an annual gift that's not accompanied by any real openess to friendship."

I am always hoping for a thaw in this cold formality, but I've clung to this hope for over ten years. How do I work things out? I've tried my best to keep channels open. I've created opportunities for the resumption of "regular order," so to speak. I willingly go way more than halfway down the road to meet her, but I find myself in the road . . . . . alone. People need to give each other a sign. I've been signaling. There's no response.

This is very hurtful. I'm going through a tough period in my life. My S.O. is has one foot in the grave. So, when he succumbs, she will send a nice sympathy card and enclose a check with a note saying, "May this small gift get you some little thing that might bring you some comfort in your time of trouble." (It'll be dripping with false modesty and saccharine sweet tenderness.) Don't bother. Don't ever bother.

I sound bitter. Over ten years I've had of this. I can't take it anymore.

Sounds like dread of the pretentiousness of it all? Obligatory gestures. A friendly bond is worth more than gold. Perhaps a conversation about wanting her as sisterly as opposed to going through the motions of formality are in order?

Well, nothing but agreement here.

Most people don't actually value money - they value the feeling of security it brings them. Just like I value the feeling of security that spirituality brings me.

Just as I struggle at times to not look down on people or lapse into thinking that I'm just a smidge better than they are, when they do nothing but run around building up a treasure on earth - not because they have money, but because I decided, in my apparent omniscience, that they do not value things of true worth....they probably struggle not to look down on me because I've got these pie in the sky fairy tale thoughts about life, the universe, and everything.

I don't think it's about the money.

Yeah, "obligatory gestures." That's what these stupid mail-ordered gifts feel like. She needn't bother.

Of course, it's what having money represents that people value. I only like flour because it's a necessary ingredient in bread and pastry. I don't love flour. My not having money represents insecurity to my sister. She thinks people are foolish to not care about being financially secure. And she makes disdainful comments about people who haven't really "made it." She once told me about a neighbor who was "just a school teacher" and, so, didn't really "have all that much."

I actually feel quite secure because my small income is adequate to finance the basics that I need. It's not like my sister has to worry about me going hungry or homeless. My life is arranged so that I have what I need. I live in a region where the cost of living is low, so my income goes further than it would elsewhere. I planned to be as I am.

But, at one time, I earned good money. Back then, my sister kept regularly in touch. I believe she thinks my life is kind of pathetic now.

The personal amount of emphasis on money is not really about the money. At core, it's about personality, and it seems you have contradicting personalities.
You said your family was on a brink of destruction, which can also tell about your family dynamics between everyone. So I think connection problems are to be expected.

It also seems her gifts do not answer your need for an emotional connection. I can understand that.

Personality-wise, we have always been so different. I don't expect to have an intense emotional bond with her. But I also don't expect her to lack common courtesy. If I heard that her husband were very ill, I'ld call and express concern. But, then, I'ld probably not hear. She does not confide in me. Her reasons are good enough for her. But I don't want the annual gift ordered from an online gift site. I don't know what she means to convey with these gift-deliveries.

I think she's trying to connect with you but is so materialistic she has no idea how to
It's an exaggeration of course, but I think that's the case

I haven’t ever felt that way, Rose - I’ve had “money in the bank,” but I don’t base anything on ones wealth or lack thereof.

I can tell you, I’ve seen a lot of people that are wealthy get very passive-aggressive and competitive about who has the nicest, most stuff....like the late model luxury sports car, the designer clothes, the private “elite” schools. I used to live in one of those neighborhoods and just couldn’t connect with the community.

Post-divorce and disabled—I live in a different neighborhood and I’m just fine. You are, too.

Money does not equate happiness, it doesn’t. It does permit you to have a lot of experiences like traveling, which can be interesting if you like it. It means you can go to fine-dining restaurants, which can be quite good...but extremely expensive. I like spas...pampering massage, etc.

But, the above are wants, not needs. I’m glad I was able to do those things but I’m not better than anyone else. One of my favorite things to do is go to the library. Love to read and I always have a stack of books.

My relationship with my partner far surpasses my ex-H. He’s still in the fancy house and trying to keep up with the Jones’. I have unconditional love with my partner, it doesn’t matter we are both disabled and don’t make large salaries anymore. Money is not that important other than financial security for sanity’s sake....but many people don’t realize it. I hope that helps.

Also, isn’t it pretty ... well, almost taboo isn’t the word. One’s financial means is personal. If someone talks about their finances, that’s different. But you don’t need to discuss yours.

I think you should reach out and call your family, say hello and catch up! I do. xo

I also think that while it seems like siblings should be extremely close - well, that’s wonderful but I don’t think it is common.