Do people who have money in the bank dislike people who haven't?

You are right on more than one account. Do I have proof everyone looks down on me? No. But some do. I have been rudely and flippantly told to get a job.

It's gross how many squabbles are there over inheritance. I want my parents to spend every penny on themselves.

Actually, my sister often has seemed the opposite of narcissistic. For example, she was very pretty, but always tended to dress in clothing designed to attract as little attention as possible. (It seemed that her favorite color was beige.) She never seemed to have an over-abundance of self-esteem. But she is very self-righteous. She seems to desperately need to believe that she has never, never, never ever "done anything wrong." It's a funny mindset - very different from narcissism. She doesn't seek much credit or admiration for anything. She's not a bragger. But she seems horrified at the thought of ever being guilty of anything.

The weak part kind of resonates more. Not that she isn't very strong and capable in may ways. She is. But she has always had a kind of fearfulness. Fear of being poor was a big motivator for her. She sees the world as dangerous, and seems to see money as the thing that insulates a person from some of that danger. I can see the logic of that line of thought, but I just have a different "take" on life. I'm more inclined to value "knowledge," as the thing that gives one mastery over one's fate.

I think I worded the title of this thread badly and misleadingly. I don't, for a minute, believe that all affluent people consider themselves superior to all poor people. I don't believe that people who are comfortably well-off are selfish. Often, people who have money have it because they were hard-working and responsible and made the most of the opportunities that life gave them. In some cases, people who are poor got poor by not thinking ahead and planning very well. (I said "some.") My real question is: "Can difference in economic status be a barrier to having close relations?" My conclusion is that sometimes it can be. I guess I always knew that, but I think I underestimated how big a factor it could be in relations within a family.

I firmly believe that my sister would feel much more invested in her relationship with me, if I were well-off financially. At one time, it looked like I was probably going to have lucrative career and be pretty well-heeled as I got further along in life. We were closer then. I think she saw us as having more in common then. But I ended up having unstable employment that went along with an unstable emotional state. She seemed to dislike both of those aspects of my nature. She made it clear she didn't want to hear about my problems with depression. I can't say I blame her there. I've learned that whining about feeling blue just gets on people's nerves. (Except in the context of a community like P.C., where we engage in mutual support.) So I don't subject her to that. And she has said derogatory things, over the years, about people based on their economic status. I don't know why I just never imagined that would apply to me.

There's an old bit of folk wisdom that says, "When people tell you who they are, believe them." When she characterized her not so well-off neighbors as "local yokels," I should have taken that more seriously. Also, I can appreciate that someone who is in comfortable straights, financially, may not want to hear about the ups and downs of a close relative who is merely just getting by week to week. We each had a different purpose to our lives. It may seem to her that my life has lacked purpose. So I guess she may feel we don't have much in common. Also, as health problems increase when one gets older, not having money can greatly impact how one copes with those issues. I never had children, so she may fear me overly relying on her when I get older.

Thinking about the increasing distance between us has made me sad. Also, it has made me angry, as I know comes across in my posts. I'm not looking to get anything from her. I haven't done anything bad to her. But this distance she keeps seems to imply that she thinks I have. That does really make me mad. I let a lot of things slide, ten years ago, when there was horrible emotional turmoil in the family over my father's will. She said nasty things to me. I thought it was the stress of circumstances, but not things she really meant. I guess she did mean the things she said . . . which I never wanted to believe could be true. I have to face that what she said reflected her opinion of me, which was kind of low. I'm heartbroken to be going through this stuff, ten years after I thought it was over. I have to look at it again because it offers an explanation for what I cannot otherwise explain.

As far as sitting down having a heart-to-heart conversation about this with her as some way of resolving anything, I don't see that as likely to do anything, but make things worse. She is an extremey defensive person. I'ld say it's her greatest weakness. Her only focus is, "I never did anything wrong. I never said anything wrong. Any unfriendliness between myself and Rose is Rose's fault." She will cling to that with a death grip.

My only hope is that, when my bf passes away and I am freer to travel, we will see more of each other and things will improve. Somehow, I don't feel very hopeful.

Because I have no children, my siblings are very important to me. They are all the family I have. It's not my sister's fault that I have no children. I don't aspire to turn into the lonely old spinster aunt that relatives feel they have to pity and look after because she is alone in the world. But I think it is cruel to act so aloof toward me, especially in light of my circumstances. Her husband has two unmarried sisters. They have wealth. They own property. I'm sure my sister and her husband keep in touch with those sisters. Her children will likely inherit from those aunts who have no children. So those aunts count. I remembered every birthday of all my nieces and nephews when they were growing up. I was very fond of them. It's nothing to get a medal for. I just used to think I would never be totally alone because I did have family whom I cared about. We used to have fun together. I liked to hear about what was going on in their lives. I was very interested in how they progressed through life. I used to get pictures in the mail. Now I hear nothing. No pictures. My sister doesn't like facebook and won't participate in it. That, right there, seems to be a way of keeping up a wall - one that's a barrier.

I've wanted to think that this is all my depressive mind playing tricks on me and that it's all a misunderstanding on my part . . . that people are busy and just have trouble staying connected to someone thousands of miles away. For over ten years, I've used that as an excuse to explain things. It just no longer seems believable. Today, I've moped about this for hours. Now I'm in tears about it. Might be best to say that there is a reality to my fear and I just have to accomodate myself to something I haven't wanted to take a hard, honest look at.

I feel like telling this sister that I just won the state lottery for ten million dollars. Then I could see if any behavior changes. My sister has a son who works in the financial sector. I could say I need advise on how to invest ten million dollars. I bet my nephew would be on the next plane out here.

Human beings are not angels. Money is a big part of people's consideration when deciding lots of things. It has to be. I want to accept that. I don't want to hold anyone to some standard that's ridiculous and unrealistic. Going around feeling slighted and offended is a miserable way to feel. I'm doing a good job of making myself miserable. It's hard to shift my focus by turning to some activity that would engage my mind in a more productive way. I'm tied to being here with my bf who is too disabled to be left alone. I can't just go off somewhere. I can't just call up a friend and say, "Let's go have dinner out." I can't just go shopping or sightseeing. I can't just go for a drive. I can't even just go for a long walk. I live 5 miles away, and I can't even go home.

Well, just threw myself a pity party - with the predictable result. Maybe I'll not do that tomorrow. There are better ways to spend my time that are available to me.

I think as we get older there is probably grief about not being as connected to those we love. But I think it is better to try to accept it, and the sadness that goes with it, and move on. Although it is true that having enough money makes life easier, there are a lot of things in life that are free. Like the library. Walks in the sunshine. Connecting with those we meet on a daily basis...maybe a neighbor walking their dog...or the clerk at the grocery store. Going to church. Doing a little yoga. Writing.

My sibling with the least resources is to one who is most generous towards me...with phone calls, and sending me books, magazines, and little gifts. Always remembers me on my birthday and holidays. The siblings who are well off never send a card or call. I live at a distance from all of them...but I am certain if I lived five minutes away from the ones who are self-absorbed and neglectful...it would be the same story. It does sting to think about it...but I am not them and I am glad of it.

Yes, I need to move from grief to acceptance. And I need to move on. For well over a decade - if not two - my sister has not been much a part of my life. So nothing has recently changed. What's recent is this kind of sudden awareness that she seems to want it that way. I don't know what suddenly brought this on. I can't figure that out. I visited her four years ago. She was very nice. I came back from that visit very refreshed in my soul and grateful for her hospitality. It seemed that the awfulness of ten years ago was receeding into the forgetable past. It's been hard not feeling free to travel these past four years. I just figured that someday I will be able to, and I'll look forward to seeing both my sisters and their families. And I believed they will be glad to see me. Now I believe that this one sister is in no hurry to see me. I called her back in April, and I haven't heard from her since. No contact for five months. I believe she will probably call me right before Christmas - like she did last year. That's a "duty call." I don't want any duty call from her. I gave her number a special ringtone, so I think I won't even answer it when she calls. I guess she does dislike me. That's her privilege. What I hate is the phoneyness of the gestures that are just motions she goes through because she cherishes her self-image of being the nicest of people.

I am thinking right now that I am becoming crazy. This resentment is poisoning my soul, or at least ruining my day. I do have to accept and move on. I guess I'm still stuck in the grieving stage.

I keep responding because I think I really do know how you feel. My heart goes out to you. I am sure your sister doesn't dislike you. It sounds like she is very involved with her own immediate family. People only have so much time and energy and they usually devote the most time and energy to those who are near and dear. Some siblings are close but I don't think it is the norm.

Thanks for having empathy for how I feel. I don't believe this is a case of being too busy. She is retired. Her children no longer live with her. She has no grandchildren.

I don't expect to necessarily be "close" to her. This isn't a case of just failing to be real close. This is more like sending a message in a passive-aggressive way. Then, again, that may be too strong. This is someone who has dropped me from her list of those she considers friends. Even that's okay. She has a right to choose her friends. She can't help who she is related to. But this is a decision to avoid me for some twisted reason. I never before thought if her as a twisted person. A counselor once told me that I may have over-idealized her. There is something sick behind this. She has demonstrated some very sick thinking in the past. A cousin of ours was visiting my father frequently when he was within months of dying. He was the son of my father's favorite sister and was coming to see my father - I believed - out of kindness. My father had been very attentive to his mother when she was dying. My sister said this cousin was only coming around hoping my father would leave him some money. I was aghast at what a horrible thing that was to say. My cousin is financially quite secure. He continues to be a warm friend to me, and I hear from him every few months. I don't mean to comb the past looking for negative things about my sister. But, when I remember something like that, it helps me see that this growing distance may say more about my sister than it does about me.

I have another sister who does keep in touch and has been warmly concerned about my guy and me beyond what I ever thought she'ld be. I guess I should be thankful for that and realise "you can't win 'em all." This other sister is up to her ears in problems and has a needy family that keeps her hopping with one thing and another. Between job, kids and grandkids, I don't know how she manages to ever be on the phone with me. She says that talking to me actually helps her. I guess that's about as nice a thing as anyone could say to me. I guess I better be grateful for what I do have.

In any family, some are closer than others. I don't pressure anyone into having more to do with me than they want. I have a crazy brother who's in and out of jail. Eight years ago he called to tell me that he had no use for me. I got tired of taking care of his pets whenever he went to jail. That ended his interest in me. I had been bailing him out of jail and going to court to support him. But he decided I wasn't much of a sister. It was hurtful, but I got over it. So now I have this to get over. Maybe, as with my brother, it will be best when I just put the relationship with my sister as something that belongs to the past. As with him, I may need to stop doing the back and forth thing. That can be way more draining and hurtful than just totally giving up and moving on. I just never thought I'ld go through that again. I don't put my sister in the same category as my whacko brother. But the rejection feels pretty much the same. Worse, really. My brother is mentally ill. My sister thinks carefully and rationally about everything she does.

As far away as I am from everyone, I don't know why the lack of a few phone calls a year should matter. It doesn't change my life much. I guess it's that I didn't know this was coming. When I phoned my sister in the spring, I figured she would take the initiative a few months later and phone me. I sort of clung to that illusion that things were basically alright between us. The illusion won't hold up anymore. An uncle of ours has told me he thinks I try too hard. He has said that as manipulative as my sister was about getting most of my parents' money that I shouldn't even bother with her. I was stunned to hear him say that. He has known all of us our whole lives, and I thought he warmly regarded all of us. I suppose he does. But he has told me that I wasted too much energy on my brother and am wasting my efforts, now, on my sister. I admire him as a man who manages to lead a pretty happy life.

Emotional hurt heals and goes away. It takes time. I can't get over this tonight. I have to believe I will get over it. This dream of having a reassuring bond with this one sister may just be a dream I have to stop chasing. I don't want to be hurt by her anymore. Ten years ago was so awful that I became suicidal for a short while when family disharmony was at its worse. But I'm not stupid enough to off myself over someone being mean to me. I never have depended on any one person that much. Now, ten years later, this emotional misery is starting for I know not what reason. I'm not clever enough to keep up with the twists and turns in this sister's mind, and I don't want to. The best thing would be for her to fully fade out of my life, as my brother has done. I think about him every day and hope he is okay. But not seeing him or hearing from him has brought more peace to my life. I don't want her hanging back just beyond the periphery of my life, but dipping a toe in once in a blue moon to carry on this farce of putting a good face on things. I've always believed that you never give up on people you care about. Maybe sometimes you have to. I want peace of mind . . . to stop fretting over a bond with someone who doesn't value it. It seems that I have nothing to give that she needs or cares to receive. I am not without value . . . even if I have no portfolio of investments or a single square foot of real estate to my name.

Society in general, has little capacity for poor people.

Honestly if I called a relative and expected them to take turn next time and months later they still didn't, I'd call them myself. I really don't fully understand this. I'd not make subsequent phone calls to someone I am dating if they don't call me. But I don't Use this tactics with family. Certainly if you called and she was nasty to you, then it's different. I do understand concept give and take but it seems to be taking a bit to extreme and at the end it causes you pain.

If you miss your nieces and nephews, you can contact them too. I don't understand keeping track who called who. It's time and energy consuming. Just pick up the phone. Now if you call and leave them messages and they never get back to you, then it would be clear they need space. But I wouldn't sit and wait for them to take turns

I'm not expecting some even-steven exchange of phone calls, where there has to be exact reciprocity. But there has to be some reciprocity. I'm not basing this just on the last call coming from me. And I know that people differ in what comes natural to them. For instance, I'm a card sender and letter-writer. That's me. I've always been that way. As a child, I did the Christmas cards for my parents. If I never got anything in the mail from my siblings, that wouldn't cost me a thought. It's not their thing. My pain is based on a good 15 years of my sister being oddly remote and uncommunicative . . . and even further back than that. Her never initiating contact is what's extreme. And I did try not to read anything into that for the longest time. But there comes a point . . . I began to feel foolish calling her, but I did it anyway.

So much of her behavior has been odd. Some years back, I was back in the area where my family lives. Before my s.o. was sick, I used to travel back and forth a lot and rent a car and travel to see relatives in two neighboring states. I let her know I would be coming to see her also and when that would be. When I got to her house, she was all friendly. Then she said that she and her husband would be going on a mini-vacation out-of-town the next morning, but that I was welcome to use her house while they were away. I hadn't come there to "use her house." So the next morning I departed. There was no unpleasantness. I didn't act disappointed. But it seemed odd to me that she hadn't mentioned beforehand that she wouldn't be home.

I've never expected any of my family to travel to visit me, and they haven't. That's never cost me a thought. I'm the one who moved far away. I come back to see them. I don't impose and hang around more than I think they would like me too. Often I've even rented a motel room by the beach, which I enjoy, and it gives me my own space, and I'm able to meet up with people without crowding them. Usually, I've rented a car, so no one has to chauffeur me around.

Other more distant relatives stay in touch with me. I'll hear from them, and they'll say "When are you coming out this way? We hope to see you, when you do." That's what seems normal. I don't have to wonder "Am I really wanted?"

At the same time, I don't feel my sister is mad at me about anything. I feel very perplexed. Some in the family tell me that my sister's husband is odd and is behind all this . . . that it's he who finds ways to undermine my sister being connected with her family. There is some evidence of that. But my sister is responsible for her own behavior.

If there was a reason for hard feelings, I'ld understand. If my sister were mad at me, or hostile like my brother, I'ld give up caring, as I have with him. Instead, there is just this utter lack of interest. Not everyone need find me interesting. I may not be to some. Maybe that's what it boils down to.