[Persephone518]

[Apologies to the mods if this thread doesn't belong here. Wasn't sure which would be the best forum for the subject.]

I'm currently in therapy for a whole range of issues. Very high up on that list are severe self esteem and self image issues that stem in part from being bullied throughout my childhood. I was an awkward kid both physically and socially. Add being an introvert and highly sensitive person to that mix, and the result was the "perfect target" (as my T put it) for bullies. I've come to the point where I want to try to forgive these people for the things they said and did in hopes of removing their power and finding closure.

The reason I mention all that is because I was browsing my high school graduating class's home page on Facebook the other day and came across several of my old bullies. Call it morbid curiosity or masochism or what have you, but I was suddenly very tempted to "friend" these people to see if they remembered me. I'm curious if they've become kinder with age or if they're the same a-holes they were back in the day. (I'm 37, btw, to give you an idea of how much time has passed.) I'm wondering what would happen if I reached out, reminded them of what they did, told them how hurtful it was, asked why they did it, and heard what they have to say.

Obviously I haven't done this yet because of the potential for re-traumatization.

Has anyone here ever reached out to a childhood bully? What was the result?

Likewise, do you think the potential for a positive outcome is worth the risk of a negative one? In your own experience, of course - I realize everyone's mileage will vary.

Look forward to hearing your thoughts. Thank you in advance.

[~Christina]

I have thought of this often I was bullied all my school life fo one thing or another.

I sent a few friends requests out and it boiled down to the few dont even remember me or them treating me so horrible. It felt like I was back in school feeling horrible that noone remembered me enough to even own up to it..

I have never walked down that road again.

Maybe your situation will work out better

[Sunflower123]

My experience has been the same as Christina's. Good luck if you decide to reach out.

[Persephone518]

Thank you for your thoughts, Christina and Jennifer.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I sent a few friends requests out and it boiled down to the few dont even remember me or them treating me so horrible. It felt like I was back in school feeling horrible that noone remembered me enough to even own up to it..

Did you get the sense that they genuinely didn't remember you or the bullying, or that they were pretending not to in order to avoid admitting responsibility?

If mine genuinely didn't remember me (which I think I would be okay with in itself), I'd still be curious to see how they responded to the confrontation. If they apologized all the same or if they denied it outright or if they seemed indifferent.

Well I didn't reach out exactly but stumbled across them by chance, this is a smallish town and 2 of the more minor bullies (more like 'hangers on') worked n the supermarket where I shopped with my husband.

One flat out didn't seem to recognise me, no eye contact. I find that surprising as other people from school days tell me I haven't changed. She was very overweight and had stomach stapling surgery (I heard her talking to a colleague).

The other woman was nice to me, we had light conversation, she doesn't remember things the way I do.

I guess from my experience I'd say a) They recall differently b) They have moved on with their lives just like I have.

The main offenders I have not seen and do not wish to. I don't like to 'go back', prefer to focus on now. It might be different for you and maybe you feel like you want closure, but do be cautious especially where fb is concerned people give highly edited versions of their life on there in my experience.

[MickeyCheeky]

You can try if you want, but you don't have to. If you feel this might be traumatizing, I wouldn't suggest doing it - especially because I don't think you would gain that much in case of positive response. But it's up to you

I think it's called restorative justice or something? (it might not be called restorative justice - I might have gotten two terms mixed up) I've never seen the value in it. Basically you say "you did that and it made me feel that and therefore I have this issue now"
I'd assume (assume, not just fear) the reply would be "I never did that, HA! you felt like that! *does a little jig* and you're seriously messed up! Now I'm going to call my co-bullies and have a drink in your dishonor."

I don't see how exposing yourself to that could ever be helpful. It (the restorative justice thingy) might help if someone made a genuine acciental mistake - but bullying someone isn't an accident, it's a choice.

Anyway, people talk about similar stuff on the Survivors forum sometimes - you might want to have a look or a search there. https://forums.psychcentral.com/survivors-abuse/

[Shazerac]

Have up you can talked to your T about this desire to reach out to childhood bullies? I've never known anyone who found that this was helpful. Usually it mildly sucks to being re traumatizing.

Maybe you could write a long letter to your abusers and then burn it. Or some other ritual that doesn't expose you to getting hurt again?

My school was pretty strange, everyone seemed to bully each other.
I will confess I picked on people. And I know some people were jelous of me when I came into my own.
I wasn't bullied per se but comments from some classmates stuck in my mind and have influenced my life decisions. Sometimes people would give me advice and I took it the wrong way. I refused to bottle things up and I often retaliated I wouldn't allow myself to be victimized.
I remember one girl saying I would be bonnie if I wore make up . I couldnt decide if it was a compliment or not. I didn't like eye liner as I looked like a goth haha

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by SapphireRed

My school was pretty strange, everyone seemed to bully each other.
I will confess I picked on people. And I know some people were jelous of me when I came into my own.
I wasn't bullied per se but comments from some classmates stuck in my mind and have influenced my life decisions. Sometimes people would give me advice and I took it the wrong way. I refused to bottle things up and I often retaliated I wouldn't allow myself to be victimized.
I remember one girl saying I would be bonnie if I wore make up . I couldnt decide if it was a compliment or not. I didn't like eye liner as I looked like a goth haha

LOL when I wear eyeliner I look a demented old crone! I gave up on makeup years ago.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Persephone518

Thank you for your thoughts, Christina and Jennifer.


Did you get the sense that they genuinely didn't remember you or the bullying, or that they were pretending not to in order to avoid admitting responsibility?

If mine genuinely didn't remember me (which I think I would be okay with in itself), I'd still be curious to see how they responded to the confrontation. If they apologized all the same or if they denied it outright or if they seemed indifferent.

There might have been 1 that remembered... maybe, The rest? I do believe they truly do not remember at all... Im a very forget able person always have been always will.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

It felt like I was back in school feeling horrible that noone remembered me enough to even own up to it..

Same but my bully was as an adult and boss. I am sure he has NO idea what he did to me was bullying.

I do plan of reaching out to him... approximately 1 week after his death when I spit on his grave.

[Persephone518]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

Have up you can talked to your T about this desire to reach out to childhood bullies? I've never known anyone who found that this was helpful. Usually it mildly sucks to being re traumatizing.

Maybe you could write a long letter to your abusers and then burn it. Or some other ritual that doesn't expose you to getting hurt again?

I haven't brought up the specific idea of reaching out to them, but my therapist does know all about the bullying and the toll it's taken on my self image. She's the one who told me I need to find some way to loosen the bullies' psychological hold over me and suggested I do this by forgiving them. It's just very hard (almost impossible, if I'm honest) for me to forgive someone and let go when they haven't acknowledged what they did. And I'm not necessarily looking for contrition. Even a noncommittal response like "eh, it wasn't anything personal, all kids are jerks" might be enough for me to let bygones be bygones.

I think another reason for wanting to reach out (even if I don't confront them about the past) would be to see how my former bullies behave toward me as an adult. Are they genuinely nice now? Have they matured and outgrown their hurtful behavior? Or would they still treat me with the same disdain? If they seemed kind and decent enough, I think that too might be enough for me to let go. Chalk it up to some kids just having bad manners and no filter. I'm sure I too had my moments where I was hurtful to another child and either didn't realize it at the time or didn't understand the potential ramifications for that person.

So I might do that. Send friend requests with no expectations or strings attached. Just out of curiosity. Keep an open mind and see where the interactions go, if anywhere.

Another option is for me to write a hypothetical (meta-fictional) dialogue between the adult me and the adult bullies, imagining how a confrontation might go. I would try to stay true to what I think their current personalities might be like while still having them acknowledge their past actions. It's kind of along the same lines of writing a letter I'll never send. That way I can at least pretend to say the things I want to say and pretend that they were heard. Sometimes even fictional encounters can provide real catharsis. I brought up this idea to my therapist and she loves it. We might even do some role play along these lines in upcoming sessions.

Thank you again to everyone who shared their experiences and offered input. I really appreciate it.

To chime in here -- I would be prepared for the worst case scenario... that they don't respond, that they are still not nice, or that they don't own up to their bullying behavior. I personally think that not much good can come from reaching out to friend them or from a confrontation and I would steer clear of it myself. You can find your own closure and within therapy. I do like the idea of writing notes to them without sending them. The thing is, bullies are typically not nice people and do not change. Some MAY grow out of it, but others do not. As you said, go into it with your eyes wide open and without expectation, but please be careful to not get hurt or retraumatized all over again. Sending my best wishes. ((((Hugs)))))

[BleedTheFreak]

Never even entertained the thought of reaching out to anyone that treated me like dog **** in school. What's the point? Why should the prospect of time change the fact that they were no-good imbeciles who I didn't want to see then, and sure as hell don't want to see now? Anyone who treats another person as a bully does doesn't deserve to be checked up on by their victim, they deserve shame and humiliation. And what better humiliation than to be a success while they're languishing in mediocrity? I guess that's an argument for reaching out to old bullies.

In my country occasionally there's a TV program where a bully invites the former "bullee" to some place (usually the school where the bullying happened) and makes excuses, as in, "Yeah I know I was mean to you but I was going through a really bad time myself, my dog had an ingrown toenail and my goldfish had drowned, forgive me?" Or the old "I was so insecure myself I couldn't help it, forgive me?"
Hypocrites. If someone like that were to invite me I wouldn't turn up - especially not if it was on camera.

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by Breadfish

In my country occasionally there's a TV program where a bully invites the former "bullee" to some place (usually the school where the bullying happened) and makes excuses, as in, "Yeah I know I was mean to you but I was going through a really bad time myself, my dog had an ingrown toenail and my goldfish had drowned, forgive me?" Or the old "I was so insecure myself I couldn't help it, forgive me?"
Hypocrites. If someone like that were to invite me I wouldn't turn up - especially not if it was on camera.

Ugh! That sounds like a terrible show! I would probably end up getting arrested for throwing chairs or something.

[hvert]

One of my childhood bullies reached out to me a few years ago. We had been best friends at one point and then she turned on me, united the entire class against me in two different grades. I met up with her and really wish I hadn't. She offered no apology but did offer her mother's alcoholism as an excuse - indirectly. She was vague about our past and seemed to think that it was as much my fault as hers (it wasn't).

The worst part of seeing her was finding out that she runs an anti-bullying program. It's a high level job and she is making a name for herself in the field. I still find it shocking.

[Persephone518]

Originally Posted by hvert

One of my childhood bullies reached out to me a few years ago. We had been best friends at one point and then she turned on me, united the entire class against me in two different grades. I met up with her and really wish I hadn't. She offered no apology but did offer her mother's alcoholism as an excuse - indirectly. She was vague about our past and seemed to think that it was as much my fault as hers (it wasn't).

The worst part of seeing her was finding out that she runs an anti-bullying program. It's a high level job and she is making a name for herself in the field. I still find it shocking.

Yikes. Speaking of hypocrisy! Had it been me, I would've been tempted to call her out on it and offer a few more choice words. I'm sorry you had to put up with that.

Incidentally a couple of my bullies were ex-friends who inexplicably turned on me too. Guess that's an all too common thing.